Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Years Everyone

Just wanted to wish my family and friends a HEALTHY, HAPPY, PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR with lots of love and family to be in your life.

That's my only wish for this new year.

That of course includes myself, Papa Swan and Matthew:-)

My resolution for 2009 is:

to stop feeling weighed down by finances, friends and family far away and to start taking control of my own life right here. I know I am blessed with Matthew, but I really need to put into action my taking my "own" happiness into gear. Not only will I find a job again to help us out, but will also make sure Matthew has a well balanced life with his self esteem in tact as well as his sense of "family" on both sides of his family that are part of "who he is".

My resolution is to begin tackling every day right here. As I have been, but with a different mindset. More of a mission, than feeling like a victim of my own decision to move here many years ago. It was my decision. I'm tired of playing the same old tapes over in my head and my heart.

No one will ever hear me say again (uh oh..should I really type this)...no one will ever hear me say again.....that it is hard...poor me.

You all know my heart, but for Matthew's sake as well as my own sake, I need to focus on what is here.

I've always been the one to put everyone in my life first, and due to that I've not taken courses, stayed at jobs, gave up social engagements due to someone else's views or opinions or lack of desire from other parties involved, kept in contact with certain friends, to more recently wearing the same old sweats year after year and basically just become someone who has lost herself.

No one can help me, but me. No one can help enforce my life, but me. I'm not blaming anyone but me.

Therefore, as my resolution for my life's sake, for my miracle's sake:

I resolve to find "me" again, to reach out again, to learn how to listen to other's again, to be a friend again in order to gain a friend, to learn how to use the phone again (still blog though). I resolve to work on me and not feel sorry for myself anymore.

Starting tomorrow!

Tonight I will drink White Zin and have one more pity party!!

Cheers!

Love you all!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Everyone!

He's coming.....If you check out Norad's website to track Santa, he is now in Mongolia!!! Matthew just yelled to me that he has moved from Japan into "another state!!! Mommy!! Mongolia"

Make sure you are good today!!! He always has time to check in on who is being naughty or nice:-)

We love you all!
The Swan Family

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tuesday Catching up with Matthew's creativity

Today I was just going to post a few things because I have been trying to keep my neck and shoulder area happy. All week last week, my body was so sore and then on Friday morning, I woke up with the worst neck pain that really wouldn't let me do anything but sit on the recliner with pillows behind my head.

Usually neck pain or a crimp in your neck goes away in an hour or so....not me...try 4 days now and I still can't turn my head to the left.

Finally yesterday I forced my self to get out and pray I only drove in a straight line to get some shopping done.

I was able to make it back safely.

This is ridiculous! I can't be "grounded" at this time of year!!
Not to mention we now have two feet of snow on the ground due to two winter storms, so scraping the ice of your car and the snow is really hard when you can't move your neck and you are in pain...

Alright enough about me.

On a lighter and happier and funnier and lovelier note. Matthew has had a wonderful week of making memories with Papa Swan, using his creative side



and helping me bake cookies (before my neck pain)

and yesterday after letting it sit overnight we attempted to finish off a gingerbread house we had hanging around from last year. It was practice for today. It is my sister in law's annual gingerbread house day with her sons and nieces and nephews that she does every year. Eric will be driving us. There is no way I could attempt Boston driving until my neck feels better.

Last Tuesday, Eric was watching Chronicle and they mentioned there was Harvard Museum Of Natural History that he had never been to in Cambridge that between certain hours on Wednesday afternoons was free to the public. He took Matthew and they had a ball.



This was a creation that he made for us with his teachers for Christmas that he insisted we both open. It is the most beautiful handmade calender for the new year. It is absolutely precious and something I as a mom, treasure so much. To have him do this, and not tell us and to have the teachers do this with him, it really is a tearjerker. Pictures to come at a later date.

Some funny quotes and antidotes from him this week:
  1. He is singing and humming Jingle Bells, and Gloria Estevan's Let It snow by dancing and putting his finger up in a John Travolta style on the emphasis of the music. He does this while making gingerbread houses, building Lego's or playing Mario.
  2. Making the Gingerbread House, he told me he wanted to add A GARAGE!
  3. Matthew: Mommy, what year was I born? I told him 2003. Matthew: It hasn't changed yet?
  4. While playing with his Lego's under the Christmas tree before school in the morning, he says "Mommy, I want to be a professional FISHERMAN when I grow up!" I told him he can do anything he puts his mind to! He said "And I want to catch trout for us for dinner!!"
  5. This morning, first words out of his mouth were: I had a nightmare that a Mexican bear was chasing me and my cousin C.
  6. Last night he fell asleep before Daddy's promised kiss and a hug, so first thing today he ran into Daddy to hug him and tell him "YOU FORGOT TO GIVE ME A HUG AND A KISS LAST NIGHT!" We assured him, he didn't forget, but he was asleep when he got them.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Thankful Thursday - One Week left before Christmas

This year, due to finances we have had to cut back like everyone else. It stinks. I normally do a calender of pictures of Matthew for all grandparents and us, but this year we will be back to using the old ones they send us in the mail from the oil company.

Unless the after Christmas deals, make it extremely worth my effort:-) Hmmmmm...brain now working....

This year, we will forgo our present to one another again, for Matthew's sake so he can have what he deserves..and to pay the mortgage.

This year, again we will be happy and thankful for the blessings we have year round, the memories we make all year to fulfill our Christmas wish. That is really the most important thing.

I really believe that it is not the size of the present that is opened, but the love behind the gift.

For Matthew's sake, for him to understand giving and receiving from the heart, I just ask Papa Swan to make sure he is involved with letting Matthew make me a gift from his heart, and to be there when Papa Swan "gets me something small" to show Matthew that it is coming from him, and to be excited about giving to his "wife". Just as he needs to be apart of my giving to Papa Swan. He needs to witness this type of love on both sides, in order to feel whole and complete, and go out there in the world someday and have the generosity within his heart.

I believe that the memories and pictures that I take year round, witnessing the love from Daddy to son, from Matthew with anyone on both sides of our family enjoying life...are my continued love.

The gift that I give of capturing these moments is what gets me through each season, each winter, each day.

I really wake up each day and end the day thanking God for my miracle.

Again, I wouldn't have that miracle without Papa Swan. We wouldn't have our home.

So all I really am asking Santa for is that reciprocated love all year round, that Matthew can grow into the most high esteemed man someday by knowing all the gifts that he can give and receive in life.....without even spending a penny.

Well most of the time:-)

My point is, with one week left before the big day, I just want to make sure that Matthew turns into the most well rounded man someday. With love and faith, and a kind and generous heart and full of the most wonderful esteem. The kind where he is not only smart and can conquer the world and anything he puts his mind to, but the kind where he is a "whole" man and is never afraid to keep showing his loving side, that one doesn't have to be compromised without the other and that they go hand in hand in life.

And to know that each day, is really a gift and to explode with life everyday.

Merry Christmas Matthew and Papa Swan! I love you!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Remember When Wednesday - Matthew Christmas Memories



This morning it was a little snowy and mushy out getting ready for school. As I was getting him ready, I told Matthew that he has ten days off between Christmas Eve and January 5th, and that we would go to PA for a few days to fill in the time, just the two of us.
He wasn't happy with that. He wants to stay here and be at his house during his vacation. I told him it would only be for a few days, but he kept insisting he wants to stay at home. He wants to go sledding. I told him we could do that at home and in PA. He really kept insisting that he doesn't want to go.
I told him he hasn't been there since June and that Mommy would love for him to come with her, but he really kept insisting he didn't want to go. It's not that he doesn't want to see his family there, but I think the ride for him and the anticipated trip without Daddy being with him, was making him apprehensive.
So we shall see.
But in good news, he told me "Mommy, Christmas Morning is Next Week!!!" I said, "Yes, Santa comes on Christmas Eve and then when you wake up on Christmas morning, toys!!"
He said "LAST YEAR AND THE YEAR BEFORE, I KEPT GETTING UP EVERY DAY AND EVERY DAY AND THEN ONE DAY.......WAS FINALLY THE DAY!!!"
Yeah!!!

Too keep it this simple forever, I wish it would stay this way.....

Oh well.......

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I thought I needed a change:-)

My birthday gift to myself....and no your not seeing white stuff.

That is my snow falling.

Your computer isn't going out!!!

I looked out the window this morning, and thought I want to make it snow on my blog:-)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Catching Up with Uncle P and Grandpa P

I really wish and pray that not only could I stick to blogging once a day, that I could stick to the promises and wishes that I make for myself everyday.

The last few weeks were busy trying to get ready for Thanksgiving, then my brothers visit with his beautiful and sweet family oriented new girlfriend M.

About a month ago, I mentioned to Phil (oh no I said it!) I'm tired of calling him P and he doesn't mind.
Anyway, we mentioned Matthew asked Santa Claus for Nintendo Mario paraphernalia and I asked him if he had any old stuff lying around, since he has played games since the original Nintendo. He said he didn't. He later called me to mention, that his girlfriend M had one in her trunk, that she wanted to "give" Matthew for Christmas. Now, how absolutely wonderful is she!!! Not only does she love to travel, she gets my brother up here to visit and bring my son his gift for a Super Nintendo System with controllers and three games, including Mario every kind made since 1985 (which is the one I used to play with my brother when he was little), Donkey Kong and Yoshi? Spelling not sure?

Now before they came, I called my brother that Friday night at 10 pm to ask when they would be leaving the next morning. We had already established they wouldn't leave until then, due to both of their work schedules. He told me they would leave Saturday morning around 6 and try to be in MA by 11. So when Matthew woke up at his usual 6:30 am time, we stayed in bed and stayed cozy until 8 before getting up.

I walked down to the kitchen, calling Phil on the cell phone just to make sure that he was on the road, and maybe now in upstate NY leaving him a message on his machine, since it didn't pick up. I hang up and I don't know what made me look up towards my street level, parked in front of my garage was a car!!! I opened the door looking all beautiful since I had not even showered or done anything except get out of bed, and screamed at him and her!! What are you doing here?????? You aren't supposed to be here for another three hours!!!! Look at me!!!!

As soon as M stepped into my house, with the warmest of hugs and smiles and the look on my brothers face of happiness, I could care less if I looked like I worked in the coal mines all day or was a chimney sweep. Their immediate happiness and my immediate happiness erased every feeling I had about my appearance.

They wound up getting on the road at 1 am because they like to do things like that!!

I used to do things like that, so I can relate. Before Matthew of course.

Anyway, after a brief nap, they gave me M's grandmother's unbelievable home made nut roll and my brother's home made Banana Bread with a nice bottle of wine. I told M that she had me as soon as she walked in, and said she loves to travel.

To see both of there faces, as they watched Matthew open up his gift from them, was something that will always be close to my heart. It is one thing to have someone enjoy opening a gift you got for them, but when it is your son, and his uncle came all that way for him, with M not only providing the present but the get down on your hands and knees and playing with my son, the getting on the floor, grabbing the controls and showing him every level of Mario, every level of Yoshi and every level of Donkey Kong. Matthew will always now hold her close to his heart.



She is queen in his eyes.


Not many girls come to our house and know the in's and outs of Mario!!




It's gifts to my son's heart that touch me. It wasn't the present. Although it is awesome. It was making Matthew feel special and that his home, and having his family here to enjoy it with him, to share in his joy of a game, or a story or memories in a photo album. I don't just like to take the pictures for the album, I like to capture that love that was given and received at that moment for my son.

When they had to leave to say it was sad, was an understatement. But not before promising to return when they have more time, and weather permitting.

The gift of my brother coming up with M, was all I could ever ask for.

Imagine my surprise, when last weekend for my birthday my father told me he would be coming up.

A first cousin of my father's passed away. He was going to attend the viewing at two o'clock and then get on the road. I told him he might hit rush hour traffic in Hartford, CT but he wasn't worried, driving slow taking his time..... When I had heard about our cousin that passed, it immediately gave me a chill due to him only two years older than my father. I told my father before he left, to be careful a few more extra times than before.

I had a gut feeling. That morning, my father forwarded me one of his many wonderful forwarded emails. This time it was Mother Teresa's Novena. I read it and forwarded it along.

At 5:30 I called him and sure enough, he was stopped. Traffic/ Hartford stop and go. He hadn't made it through the tunnel yet. I hung up with him, and he called me right back and told me a girl had just hit him from behind but that he and her were okay. His car had minor damage, with hers having more. They were calling the police. Between the time it took for the police to escort him off the highway, to when the state police showed up to file the report, he started to feel sore. His neck felt whip lashed. The state police escorted him to Hartford Hospital, where he stayed for another four hours before then driving the other hour and a half to my house. He wound up getting fully checked out to be on the safe side, and Thank God was OK.

I wanted to immediately drive to Hartford. I told Eric let's go. You could drop me off so he isn't at the hospital by himself and then I'll drive him to our house, in case he can't drive. My father and Eric insisted I just sit the emergency room visit out from home and be patient. I immediately needed a bottle of wine. I drove to the local supermarket to get one, and on the drive there had my long conversation with God making promises, and saying the Our Father.

As soon as I said it, I thought I have said this one more time today......then it hit me.....

The Mother Teresa Novena my father emailed me.

Sure enough God came through for me again. My father made it here safely and we enjoyed the rest of the weekend, by him taking his Irish/Italian daughter out for Irish lunch and ironically, my gift of a Frank Sinatra Inspired Print that said "Meeting Adjourned", could now be laughed about.




Ironically, I received that same Novena a few days later by another friend. I also received it back from some friends I had forwarded it too.

I know that God hears me.

I know that he hears me when I need him. I know that he knows I would do anything to not put my father or my family and friends in danger, driving up here late at night or not. ....freak accidents... if anything ever happened to those I love coming up here to visit me...I can't even think about it.

I also know that He knows me. He knows whats in my heart. He is here with me everyday. He is the one who sees my internal struggles within my heart for Matthew and for myself. I know that he is beside me and lifts me up to let me lean on him. Today was again another Sunday and this time during the most important month where I am trying to teach Matthew what "Christmas" is all about, that doesn't involve anything retail.

Again I failed, but I am getting closer. I made him listen to a story read online by someone breaking down the story of Mary and Joseph, the Angel Gabrielle, The Shepperd, and the Three Wisemen. Each segment was only four minute each, but was told in a soft and wonderful tone. I just wanted him to hear it from someone other than Mommy.

Well, when we were done, he couldn't wait to get back to Mario. I know I have my struggles, and again I know God knows I am trying.
In my own time, I am praying to get him there and to be apart of all that I know and love about Church and miss so much. I promise by the end of the year, we will do it...and we will start the new year off right. It will be just like giving up the binky for New Years before he turned two! That was it and it happened! Why can't all other struggles be that easy for me?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Remember When Wednesday - My Christmas Gift from God

I know I am sooo crazy about my son, that it was once a joke by my brother in law, when Matthew was 4 months old...his picture was on the Internet more than Pamela Anderson:-)


Well, why should I stop now?





I am so thankful and lucky to have this muse to be able to show the world, how much I feel blessed.

Yes it is trying some times, now that he is approaching six years old, but when I stop to smell the roses everyday and listen to his little voice, watch his facial expressions in his jokes and animated stories and wondrous sponge for learning and showing us what he is learning; how could I not feel blessed?

Yesterday we went to his friend R's house for a play date. He had to make everyone a little scrolled piece of paper that he specially drew them a picture on from his heart. He did this on his own with no help or prodding from me. How proud was I when he couldn't wait to hand out four hand made gifts to his friends. This is the gift of giving, from his heart that I want him to learn and now it is happening. No words could express how that makes me feel.


Everyday, we have the little wonderful moments that fit in with the very trying getting up early, sticking to the routine on school days, tantrums over not getting his way with us, but when he is in one of his "awe" moments....and that's not aahhhh...that's "AWE", it is soooo worthwhile to just keep praying, keep feeling blessed and keep thanking God for my miracle.

Last night he ended the night with us, by showing how smart he is at adding!!!

Eric asked him how much is 10 plus 2.

We were only using our fingers at the time, so I thought I would hold up my fingers to help him count....he said "BE QUIET!!! I'M THINKING!!"

Eric and I held our breath while he had his head on the table and you could literally feel him thinking sooo hard..........

HE LOOKED UP AND SAID "TWELVE!!"
I literally danced the happiest dance, high fiving him and he told us "I didn't use my fingers" I counted it in my brain!!

I thought I would post some pictures to remember other Christmas past with my angel, in light

of the season upon us.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Well Last December Post before I'm over that 40 mark

I was going to post about all that I'm thankful for being today, Thankful Thursday....but we all know about how thankful I am for my life, my son, my home and Eric...not necessarily in that order.

In a few days, I will be turning the big 41.............ugh............can't believe I can even type it, let alone say it, or read it, or feel it...

My heart and my mind feel 25...at the most!!! Some days it's younger, others it's way older..

My body when I look in the mirror and see who it looking back...just doesn't return the reflection of how I feel.

I know I'm not the only woman who wishes her hair didn't turn grey and less resistant to hair styling, her figure didn't round out where it used to be eye-catching, her body getting cold when it used to have more resilience for cold weather, her face a little more drawn and pronounced instead of clear complexion and unweathered...

But it doesn't make it any easier, knowing that I'm not alone.

I'm just not taking the aging thing well.

At least one thing will make me temporarily feel better, I will be getting my hair cut today..and I'm thinking with all of the millions of styles I have had over the years, the a-line bob type that I got last February..seems to have the most promise for me. Maybe next week I can get some of the grey colored... but one step at a time.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Matthew thank you God, loves my hair anyway it is. Last night I asked him which style he liked my hair most.

THE KIND WHERE IT GETS WET AND YOU PUT SOAP ON IT!!!

I was giving him a bath while he said it, so I don't know if he was daydreaming about what he could do with mommy's hair when it is wet....

But at least the shorter hair will take less time to style, less color and less shampoo!!!