Losses

Well, this year has been a bad one for us in many way's.  Matthew really learned loss this year, more than when he was 3 visiting Grandma P.  This year started New Year's weekend with the loss of his Uncle, his sweet cousin's Daddy, and he witnessed the pain in a family expressing emotion over the loss of that loved one. He saw his other cousins express themselves with poems and prayers and witnessed that expression. 

The next weekend, he witnessed me in pain over the loss of my Uncle J. who would be buried in PA, and he said I can't do another funeral mommy...it's too sad...I went myself to be with my father during the loss of his brother.

The following few months he witnessed loss in me again, of my Aunt L. in NJ, who was blessed to live to her 90's..and I couldn't make the trip due to him in school that week, but loss in me again he witnessed..

Last year around Labor Day, a flood hit the Susquehanna river in PA right where all of my family on both sides pretty much live.  Within the same blocks, I have both sides of my family next door neighbors to each other, or a few streets away, or two towns away but in proximity to this river and what it did, they were all hit.  Some worse than others.  My Aunt Sissy, who was my mom's last living sibling, her older sister and my alli in life, I have so many wonderful memories with her, regardless due to the flood for her safety, she was put in a nursing home and eventually passed away this summer.  Matthew loved her, and he again witnessed this pain again being far away, but this time the service was more a celebration of her life, so he joined me in that moment.  He is my little rock..and at the same time, we made memories.  Staying at Grandpa's house as usual, but went on day trips or visited his cousin's, my nieces.  We even fit in the drive-in's with my brother J, just because we only had a week, and I believe in letting him be 9.  I believe in making those memories, even mixed with sad ones..He learned about butterflies being a sign from a loved one that passed, he found one along a creek, among others that week, and to me he was learning life, good bad, and moments of smiling.

In August, Grandpa had a stroke.  He witnessed Mommy again having absolutely no trouble other than shaking from the shock of it, get in that car and head to PA.  His Dad took vacation time, during this last week of summer to stay with him, and he again witnessed this time over the phone, mommy going through loss, despair, trying sometimes to sound upbeat for that first week he was in the ICU, not knowing what is happening, not knowing what will happen, or the future, shaking still.. He adores his Grandpa, but this time, not knowing what is happening, we thought it best for him to stay here and be a child, doing things that he loves such as tubing, fishing, going to the beach.  My father is now paralyzed on his right side, and he is right handed, since that first week he has been in rehab, and he can walk with the help of therapists, but the rest has not come back.  My father is a very active father, man, Grandpa and all of this change, is something that is hard for me to deal with let alone my 9 year old son.  We pray everyday for him, we have pictures around the house showing memories of how many more memories we want with him. 

Labor Day weekend, Matthew and I had another huge loss, my sweet cousin Donnie.  He was in a hit and run accident in PA, while on a motorcycle, him and his girlfriend.  If there are soul mates for cousin's Donnie was it, he was more like my brother the past few years through Facebook we connected, on more than one level, including music and love of life, memories and wishing happiness for the other.  He was someone I could count on, and Matthew loved him.  We went with Donnie last summer to this place with waterfalls, and just a great summer adventure, he also took Matthew kayaking and was a great mentor to him.  Matthew would write on his wall telling him he rocked..

So all of these traumatic events, alone by themselves add up to one tough year for my son.  And we both have learned that the distance really hits the worst while loving those 300 miles away, especially at times of loss and need. 

There is alot more pain to this story, but I out of respect for my son, will not post about it...he has had a tough year...and all I have control over is loving him, and being there for him.  That will never change.

MOMMY YOU HAVE A WEBSITE ABOUT ME...

Well my now 4th grader, yesterday I said, "Remember my blog?"  He didn't...so I opened it up and showed him... and he thought me having a website all about him, was cool...........

So being that my biggest fan in my life, is okay with this told him that not only on facebook will I share with the world my love for him, but here...

He signed up for saxophone in music class this year.  He is so excited and thinks it is so cool to take the bus with his instrument.  He asked me the other day if I was ever in band, and I explained that when we were in elementry school there was no instruments, but in middle school I took flute and violin and in high school I was on the dance team that went out at half time with the band, so I couldn't do both. 

This morning, he woke me up for school, so excited that today was music day!! He went to the bus 10 minutes earlier, and would have went 30 minutes earlier if I let him...

Grandpa had a stroke a few weeks ago, so there has been alot of "stuff" going on lately for this little 9 year old to deal with and being far away, and watching his mom struggle with it all has been hard on him.

For now, we will take the good moments of music days!

Over TWO YEARS LATER

sigh...........

one thing I can say with affirmation is that I'M STILL BLESSED TO BE MATTHEWS MOM

I'm still Mama Swan because to me swan's love is forever...and for that I WILL ALWAYS BE BLESSED..

Saturday...okay got that right? LOL

Today I was able to sleep in til 10 am..and am so thankful, being I went out last night with some mom's to celebrate a really good friend's birthday. I left early. I'm always so tired. I feel like maybe if someone could let me sleep for a week, I will have caught up on all the sleep I missed over the past 8 years, since I got pregnant.

Matthew and Eric went out to play in the snow today. Matthew received a really cool snowball maker as a birthday gift, that he had been dying to use. Thank you God that the cold weather doesn't bother Eric, the way it bothers me. I always feel it in my bones, and am always cold, no matter how bundled I get.

Tomorrow is Valentines day. When I married Papa Swan I told him, that due to us being married so close to this holiday, that my real valentine's day is our anniversary. I told Matthew the other night at dinner, that Mommy married my valentine and that is why my anniversary is more important than the day 4 days before. Although I also told him, that since he has been born, he is also my valentine and for him, the day is special. He was the most wonderful valentine's / anniversary present that first year. And continues to be, everything to me, that no holiday or card could ever come close to representing.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone that is celebrating it with ones that you love. Love in itself is definitely a reason for a celebration, and should last more than one day a year. Otherwise, it's kind of hypocritical, or doesn't feel as special, due to anyone can make a difference for one day in some one's life....it's all those days in between though that matter.

Today's Friday, yesterday wasn't Remember When Wednesday!! LOL

Okay, not only do I stay away for a long time, but when going to type my title today being Thankful Thursday, it hit me!! I am so off right now:-)

I am happy though this morning. Just got back from Shaws and nothing starts my day better than Matthew's voice, then Tastycake Butterscotch Krimpets at my local store. I know they have been up here in MA for awhile now, but to get my favorites so close, finally!! And to have it with my French Vanilla coffee, you know it's going to be a good day.

I had to run a few errands this morning, because today in school Matthew's first grade class will be singing to him Happy Birthday along with some Valentine partying at the same time.

It is also Pajama Day, little things make us so happy in this world. Matthew gets to wear his new pajamas from Aunt K with Anakin Skywalker, Yoda and Hans Solo on them. He is one happy little guy.

He is continuing to impress me every day and I could type til the end of the earth about all that he is amazing at, but trying to move forward and not so much catch up with the past year.

At this time though, he loves anything Lego's, and of course the Wii, he aces at every game he does and makes my playing of the old Nintendo or Atari, look really pathetic. I was good at them though at the time. When my father had his pizza place when I was 14, he would give out 6 free slices to anyone who could beat my score on the Donkey Kong game he had there.

Matthew though takes everything to a whole other level. He still looks at the world like a sponge!! Yesterday in school he came home with a paper with two faces made out of black construction paper, that were Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. I told him that when Mommy was a girl, our teacher put the projector on the wall, so we could trace out those faces. He said "Mommy they don't do that anymore, we just trace the face onto the paper"...that was back in the old days....

He loves math, and is getting better at reading, more so when he hasn't had a long day already. He was given a wonderful gift of Treasure Island and read it for his first official book (with my help) for a project we have with the town and the school. This week we read another wonderful book by our friend along with one from his library.

He has been acing his spelling tests every week, and it reminds me of how much I loved spelling and still love reading. The next book we will read next week while on school vacation, is close to my heart.

In the 4th grade, my teacher would read to us My Side Of The Mountain . I don't know if it is because I had the biggest crush on this teacher, as he read and would pop his bubblicious bubble gum over his mustache, but when he read this book, it has stayed with me my whole life.

In my early 20's, I got the paperback of this book and re-read it. A few years ago, I got the movie version so Matthew could get the love of this little boy, with his pet peregrine falcon, in this tree in the woods. He loved it. I have been so waiting for this moment when I can now, share with him my book and we will re-read it together.

Ironically due to us living on the lake, we have wonderful wildlife and birds all around us. About a month ago, Matthew came home from school. I have his desk set up right in what would be the dining room, against a window, for light and as I was leaning over him, I thought some kind of shadowy figures flew outside the window, huge ones and maybe was our blue heron. I inched my way, down my house which is all windows and peeked out and on one branch on my neighbors tree, there sat a little above us two Red Tailed Hawks . I motioned quietly for Matthew to come over, and called my neighbor hoping they had a camera. They eventually flew away, but the wing span was incredible.

Ironically, my love of My Side Of The Mountain, has this inner boy in me, this love of things that I feel when I see them especially with my son with me to witness them with me. It's like we are living, and experiencing the amazingness of this world together and it is one amazing journey.

I miss him huge now that he is in school all day. I am so looking forward to next week when he has winter vacation and we have chances to bond more, with more memories. We are so far going to this SEE science center we went to a few years ago, that we know now he will appreciate so much more with their incredible Lego display of the whole town of Manchester, NH.

Well, have to get off now, so I can get in that shower, and get to his school later.