Losses

Well, this year has been a bad one for us in many way's.  Matthew really learned loss this year, more than when he was 3 visiting Grandma P.  This year started New Year's weekend with the loss of his Uncle, his sweet cousin's Daddy, and he witnessed the pain in a family expressing emotion over the loss of that loved one. He saw his other cousins express themselves with poems and prayers and witnessed that expression. 

The next weekend, he witnessed me in pain over the loss of my Uncle J. who would be buried in PA, and he said I can't do another funeral mommy...it's too sad...I went myself to be with my father during the loss of his brother.

The following few months he witnessed loss in me again, of my Aunt L. in NJ, who was blessed to live to her 90's..and I couldn't make the trip due to him in school that week, but loss in me again he witnessed..

Last year around Labor Day, a flood hit the Susquehanna river in PA right where all of my family on both sides pretty much live.  Within the same blocks, I have both sides of my family next door neighbors to each other, or a few streets away, or two towns away but in proximity to this river and what it did, they were all hit.  Some worse than others.  My Aunt Sissy, who was my mom's last living sibling, her older sister and my alli in life, I have so many wonderful memories with her, regardless due to the flood for her safety, she was put in a nursing home and eventually passed away this summer.  Matthew loved her, and he again witnessed this pain again being far away, but this time the service was more a celebration of her life, so he joined me in that moment.  He is my little rock..and at the same time, we made memories.  Staying at Grandpa's house as usual, but went on day trips or visited his cousin's, my nieces.  We even fit in the drive-in's with my brother J, just because we only had a week, and I believe in letting him be 9.  I believe in making those memories, even mixed with sad ones..He learned about butterflies being a sign from a loved one that passed, he found one along a creek, among others that week, and to me he was learning life, good bad, and moments of smiling.

In August, Grandpa had a stroke.  He witnessed Mommy again having absolutely no trouble other than shaking from the shock of it, get in that car and head to PA.  His Dad took vacation time, during this last week of summer to stay with him, and he again witnessed this time over the phone, mommy going through loss, despair, trying sometimes to sound upbeat for that first week he was in the ICU, not knowing what is happening, not knowing what will happen, or the future, shaking still.. He adores his Grandpa, but this time, not knowing what is happening, we thought it best for him to stay here and be a child, doing things that he loves such as tubing, fishing, going to the beach.  My father is now paralyzed on his right side, and he is right handed, since that first week he has been in rehab, and he can walk with the help of therapists, but the rest has not come back.  My father is a very active father, man, Grandpa and all of this change, is something that is hard for me to deal with let alone my 9 year old son.  We pray everyday for him, we have pictures around the house showing memories of how many more memories we want with him. 

Labor Day weekend, Matthew and I had another huge loss, my sweet cousin Donnie.  He was in a hit and run accident in PA, while on a motorcycle, him and his girlfriend.  If there are soul mates for cousin's Donnie was it, he was more like my brother the past few years through Facebook we connected, on more than one level, including music and love of life, memories and wishing happiness for the other.  He was someone I could count on, and Matthew loved him.  We went with Donnie last summer to this place with waterfalls, and just a great summer adventure, he also took Matthew kayaking and was a great mentor to him.  Matthew would write on his wall telling him he rocked..

So all of these traumatic events, alone by themselves add up to one tough year for my son.  And we both have learned that the distance really hits the worst while loving those 300 miles away, especially at times of loss and need. 

There is alot more pain to this story, but I out of respect for my son, will not post about it...he has had a tough year...and all I have control over is loving him, and being there for him.  That will never change.