Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine

Friday night while Eric was working late, I had the opportunity to watch on PBS a documentary on Carol Burnett.

I always loved her. I remember my mother watching her and her just cracking up and myself only being eleven at the time The Carol Burnett show ended on CBS.

I remember watching re-runs though and maybe even with my mother at the time they were on and just loving that "dying on the floor humor". Very similar to how I feel about Lucile Ball, but we didn't seem to watch I Love Lucy as much as I remember Carol Burnett. It wasn't until I was older and moved out of the house with cable that I saw I love Lucy and really appreciated her.

Carol Burnett was classic and it goes without saying that, they don't make them like that anymore. She was a pioneer for women's comedy and slapstick humor and so much of it was just pure and simple chemistry between her and her fellow comics on the show. The documentary mentioned that there were very few takes and that because the comedy just flowed, only one take was necessary most of the time.

She revealed how her ear tugging was for her Nanny (aka Granny) and that was her way of saying hello to her. She also went on to reveal that the famous nail biting shown on the show was her way of holding back from laughing. She did that alot.

Watching her on Friday night got me in a comedic mood. My good friend N had asked me to see a comedy show next weekend but we are going to PA to visit Grandpa so I had to take a rain check. I haven't been to a comedy show since before Matthew was born. I used to plan once a month a girl's night out and we had seen comedians in Providence, RI and it was so much fun.

I forgot how much comedy is a necessity for my soul as much as music.

I live for the words that come out of Matthew's mouth every day and wish I could just tape record them or remember to write them down more. He has me in hysterics most of the time.

Last night after Matthew fell asleep, I went crazy on YouTube.

I brought up old comics like Steven Sweeney (known Boston comedian) who I had seen back in 1990 when I first moved to MA. He was playing at a comedy club called Stitches, which at that time was on Beacon Street in Brookline but has since moved. We went there with Eric's sisters and brothers and friends. There was about 9 or 10 of us and we had sat in the front row. Since this was my first comedy club in a big city or ever for that matter, I didn't know any better.

I was wearing a black and white zebra Lycra mini dress that was in style at the time and was my personality at the time. Very body hugging and worn for Eric's eyes.

There came a time when Steve Sweeney was talking when I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I whispered in my now sister-in-law's ear that I would be right back. I was a little nervous about standing up and walking out of the room, but I had no idea that it would be as bad as it was.

I just entered the bathroom, when I hear on the microphone "WHERE DID YOUR FRIEND GO?" then I heard "TO THE BATHROOM?" "TO TAKE A POOP!!!"

I'm in there dying listening to the crowd in hysterics. I wanted to find a back window and just climb out, but I braved my way back out and through the crowd to the front tables along the stage. The whole time I was walking through the crowded quiet room, Steve Sweeney was staring at me (like I was holding him up) with a smirk on his face and he said "SO, DID YOU TAKE A POOP?"

The whole place went nuts again and I was almost in tears from laughing and embarrassment. Then he said "THAT'S A REALLY NICE DRESS".

And got on with the show.

Last night I watched 3 hours worth of Steve Sweeney, Steven Wright, Geoge Carlin, Howie Mandell for about 2 minutes (the quality wasn't good), Eddie Murphy's Raw and Delirious from the 80's impersonations of Italians, White Family, Michael Jackson, Bill Cosby, Stevie Wonder and others, Steve Martin, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Robin Williams, Larry The Cable Guy and 5 minutes of Bobcat.

IT WAS THE BEST THREE HOURS I'VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.

Next weekend I am going to PA and one thing I miss about being around my brothers, is laughter.

They always have been able to keep me laughing and I know that they will get a kick out of Matthew's growing sense of humor, but also now he might beat Uncle P at Super Mario Brothers. It should be a fun time.

Happy Birthday Mom & Thankful Thursday

Once Again, Mom....HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

This morning was an interesting one, to say the least. In less than an hour I felt like Erma Bombeck who I used to love. My English teacher in high school introduced me to her writings and I've loved them since.

The morning began at 6:45 and we needed to get up for school. Matthew immediately started out the morning by saying he was still tired. I thought, OK...15 more minutes under the covers and then that's it.

At 7 AM he started saying how he didn't want to go to school today. When I asked him why he mentioned that he was comfy and cozy and just didn't want to get up and go. I let him know that if we could get through today, he would have almost a full week vacation off due to Veteran's Day on Monday.

He didn't want any part of it and me being the cozy loving, cuddling, sleep loving, bed loving under the covers mom that I am, I forced myself up to get dressed, turn on his shows on the TV downstairs, make coffee and get him something to eat.

Twenty minutes later, him and Daddy were snuggling on the couch. I said "This isn't helping me." Daddy made him a deal that if he went to school, I would let him play Super Mario games on the computer when he comes home.

He really is getting carried away and it is amazing to me to see how at four years old, he is not spoiled, but he needs to stop expecting things such as toys, games - computer related or otherwise. I need to put my foot down. I will let him play his games today and luckily tomorrow we have a play date to get out of the house. We also had one yesterday so at least his time is being spent more socializing with his friends than in the house on the computer. He is Daddy's little boy and he will tell me to just type in "the network"!!

The other day I found out that network isn't the same as Daddy's but The CARTOON NETWORK site.

He is really good and plays more than batman & spiderman and superhero games. He is really good at educational games as well and loves just as much to be online playing WORD WORLD games on PBSkids.com

I don't want to hold him back from learning but somehow I need to let him know that life wasn't always this technical or this easy. I hate to sound like my parents, but I find myself starting now to say "Back when I was a kid" and I know that isn't the answer but I need to give him a view of life without computers or toys constantly being shown on the commercials. In two minutes he will ask me for five toys one after another. I keep saying add it to your list for Santa and I keep making him aware of how many times he is asking for something. We'll say "Where are we going to put all of these toys?"

He'll just say "Upstairs, down the basement" (because that is where all of his toys are)

And he is only almost 5.

Anyway, back to this morning. He finally ate two bites of an oatmeal raisin cereal bar (not enough) and then as we were getting ready to put on his sneakers (8:05- school starts at 8:30), he started telling me that he had a bump on the back of his head.

I found it under the hair and immediately feared what it was. He has never had one up to this point and now in hindsight I feel like a horrible mom because he was the one to find it and not me.

It was a tick!!!!

Eric naked in the shower trying to get ready for work, peeked out and confirmed my fears. He told Matthew that he would take it out. While we were waiting for Daddy to throw on a towel, Matthew went into panic mode and hid out in the closet. I assured him that Daddy is a professional and that he used to do this with Ringo and Pooker all of the time. I assured him that Daddy taking it out would be alot easier than not taking it out and that it could make him sick.

At 8:15 Daddy got that damn live tick out of my angel's head.

At 8:18 Matthew squished him with his magnifying glass after thinking he was cool.

At 8:25 we were in the car and Matthew said "What kind of bug was that again?" I told him and he repeated it and said he would have to tell his teacher and his friends.

I immediately am panicking about the horribleness of kids being cruel said "Don't tell the kids about it honey. You can tell your teacher. I'm telling your teacher."

Thank you God today wasn't show and tell and he would want to bring it in.

So now it is time for me to go pick him up.

I am going to have to cut my Thankful things list down today due to timing.

1. I'm Thankful Daddy was home so that he could get that thing out of his hair.
2. I'm Thankful Matthew eventually made it to school today.
3. I'm Thankful for my coffee.
4. I'm Thankful for my life that I can find the humor in this due to my experience with Erma Bombeck. I know my English teacher passed away years ago, but thank you Mrs. B.

Have a pint with my mom today and give her a hug for me.

Remember When Wednesday - My Mom's Birthday Tomorrow

Dear Mom,

I know that I am typing you this letter a little early and a little late. Tomorrow is Thankful Thursday so I will be busy listing more items in which I'm Thankful to God for tomorrow. And of course you are one of them again.

Tomorrow you would have been 64 years old. It is amazing to me that with all you went through in life, that you never aged. So I will always remember you as that beautiful mom that you were when you gave birth to me. That was the mom that I loved. The healthy mom with the beautiful smile and such wonderful taste in fashion with yourself and your children but also such a wonderful homemaker and wife. The healthy mom that you were is what I like to force myself to go back and remember.

It was hard for me to do for a long time, because your illness started corroding our lives at such a young age for you and after only 11 years married to Daddy at the time. Eleven years seems like such a short time to have your dreams interrupted. Your dream of being that homemaker and wife. It amazes me now as a grown woman struggling with balancing staying home with raising one son, let alone 3 children. I don't know how you did it.

I know that in hindsight I can look back at a lot of things that I never understood growing up. I was a troubled child due to your illness that we never found out about until 1991. So from the time the mental onset began when I was 7 or 8 years old, until 1991, I had no name for it.

All I knew was that my home was suddenly becoming this place where I had to be the one to be there for Daddy, J and P who was only less than 5 at the time when the illness was hitting the hardest. We suffered through many atrocities with him being the sole provider including losing heat, hot water, electricity and eventually our home to Daddy eventually losing another home, all because of ignorance. Ignorance on the part of every adult who witnessed what was going on and who didn't step in or didn't help or who eventually found out years later about the illness and still didn't help.

The child in me is angry now, as the mom and woman in me remembers each heartbreak that you and we suffered due to "an illness". I'm angry at the counselors in school, the friends and family that turned their back, due to Daddy's lack of housecleaning instead of looking at what he was struggling with. I'm angry at the people who witnessed us every day deteriorate and did not step in. I don't know if it would have helped anyway because their still is no cure for what you suffered with, but regarding maybe some help for Daddy going through what he did.

I've been through counseling and I know that the child within me is allowed to "hate" that part of my life. I'm allowed to hate that part of what I went through as a child with you deteriorating. I'm also allowed to "love" that part of you due to you had no control over what was happening. I'm allowed to love you as my mother.

Now though as a mom, it is hard. I look in the mirror and there you are. Today I grabbed some old bobby pins that I never use to pull the strands of my hair back by my ponytail and they were your bobby pins that used to hold in your hair around your bun. Matthew asked me what they were because I never where them.

The other day I remembered how you used to where your hair in rollers taking us to McCrory's and I remembered being the teenager I was, how embarrassed and how much I used to let you know how much you embarrassed me.

I know once I found out about your illness and many years of counseling that normal teenage years were going to happen regardless, but I know that if I knew what you were facing I would have been the better daughter and your friend.



I know that when you were in the nursing home I told you how sorry I was for everything I ever did, the arguments we had that really escalated as you got worse and before I moved to MA. I later apologized for being so far away and that was and still is the most torturous for me to think that when you were there every day in that room, I wasn't holding your hand.

It almost caused me to leave MA for good when I couldn't leave the state one time, returning home from visiting you. I know God was with me though when I did, it was only a few months later that I was pregnant with Matthew and that the road I had chosen was the right one.

I'm sorry I'm writing you this letter now when tomorrow would have been a celebratory day for you. It just seems to pour out and I know you know, how I feel regardless. I know you are here with me and that you see your Grandson and that you would run to him and squeeze him all of the time if you could. I hope you saw him the other day planning out different ingredients for an idea he had to bake. I know you would get a kick out of that. I'm always telling him how much Grandma was always coming up with new things to make by using her creativity with what little she had. I know you would get a kick out of him when he gets filthy from playing and I tell him he is a little "coalminers grandson".

Well, my hands are frozen now and I can't keep typing so I will let you know more in my prayers.



I love you and I hope you have a pint of Genesee with Uncle M and Grandma & Grandpa tomorrow celebrating the day they gave you life.

Without your life, Matthew's life wouldn't be.

I love you Mom. Happy Birthday.

Love
TM

Rainy Day Tuesday

I've lost my knack for my titles to my blog. Some days are better than others. My brain is in coordination with the weather today....foggy, gray and a little damp.

Last night at dinner, Matthew wanted to bring out my cookbooks for things we can make and HAVE A PARTY MOMMY!!!!

Before I knew it, he was sitting on my lap and was getting so excited over each picture in the book, but as soon as I told them the ingredients he would say "No, never mind."

Until we got to the desert section where suddenly every page was a must for this party.

I told him we couldn't make the Cappuccino cake because it has coffee in it. He said that it would be OK and that he wouldn't drink it, just eat it in the cake.

I mentioned that Tiramasu wouldn't be good either because that too has something for grownups in it. He said "That's OTAY...mommy! I can eat it, That's OTAY!"

Daddy came home at that moment, so all dreams of sugarplums danced away for me at that moment and it was a good thing because I have limited ingredients in the house right now.

This morning though, first thing before Good Morning Mommy was "Mommy, You have to call all my friends". I'm having a panic attack over this because he doesn't understand that you can't call friends and invite them to a party that same day. I was trying to ease his disappointment by letting him know that if he is serious about this, that we need to pick a date on the calender and plan it and make invitations to put in the mail.

I'm thinking maybe a hot chocolate and desert party sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas because that is the time that will work for us, but I also realize that time is also hard to get people to come due to the busy month of December.

The people he wants to invite are all of his cousins and family in PA and MA along with friends from school and our neighbor Grammy R. I'm sure if he really thought more about it, the list will include a few other neighbors as well.

He was still not understanding that this party can't be held today. I tried to talk him into another party with his stuffed animals, but he isn't having any part of that. It is heartbreaking to me to see that I can't fulfill his need.

It is beyond my control that all of his family lives far away, I can't force anyone to come. I'd offer to pick each and every one up from PA and MA though if I thought for his sake, we could make it happen.

Today we are going to make handwritten invitations on construction paper to get through this rainy day, to get this started. At least if we try maybe we can get back into the swing of things with having family and friends over and even if only a few show, it will make his day.

It will be just a desert and hot chocolate party with some coffee for the grownups and the kids can just play while the grownups just talk. He really loves having friends here in his own environment with his own toys and it gives him a chance to feel special by sharing them.

I haven't had a party since my Pampered Chef party a few years ago when we moved back into the house.

I wasn't looking for people to come and spend money, but to keep the continuum going of having friends over and that was a good way to do it.

This will be a party about just friends and family over cookies and hot chocolate. No money needed, just bring hugs.

Alright, I think I just talked myself into it. He really is a great host. He loves to entertain and make sure everyone feels welcome and that you are all having a good time.

Now we just have to pick a date. Maybe the weekend of Thanksgiving.

Mama's Legend Of The Fall and Papa Swan Memories

This morning, I don't know if it is because we lost an hour but I'm in a funky mood.

It all started last night when I watched "Legends Of The Fall" with Brad Pitt. I have loved him since Thelma & Louise and I watched this movie when it first came out ten years ago, but haven't since.

I thought I was getting into a nice romantic movie and then I wound up crying my eyes out for the last hour.

It was an unbelievable movie, but I wasn't prepared for the tearjerker aspect and it proved to me that sometimes when I think I've lost feelings in certain areas, there they are. I'm alive. I feel. I don't like to see unhappy endings in a movie because it is my escape and I like to live in a fairy tale sometimes to escape. Not a fairytale life where I'm pretending to be Cinderella every day of my life (although I wish I had the mice to help me clean), I just try and make the most in my mind to get through the days. Having a child has brought out the child within, although being the little boy he is, my little girl in me has had to step aside sometimes.

I miss being that girl , the girl who dreamed of the castle and Prince Charming. Not just to have a cute guy on the white horse in a nice house, but more the rescuer of Prince Charming's nature. The guy to save you from the sleep induced spell of a witch, to save you and protect you and respect you in life along with being your best friend. The fairy tales on the screen only get you so far, it is real life that you need more than that "happy ending". You need work to make it work.

When is Disney going to make a fairy tale that shows that aspect. It is time for them to catch up with the rest of the world to show little girls that the Prince isn't always the answer. You need to find the Happy Ending within yourself first and then if he loves you, wonderful. You'll have the best of both worlds. If he doesn't, it won't crush you as much because you are already a whole person without him.

I watched too many fairy tales, romantic movies and musicals growing up. I'm not complaining because with the life I was living with my mother deteriorating year after year from a neurological illness, that is the only thing along with singing that provided that escape. Thank You God for that escape or God knows where I would be now.

When I first moved to MA in 1990, Eric was my Prince Charming. He saw this little girl who was desperately trying to get out of her environment and we had an instant connection because he immediately took the role of someone who cared for me, loved me and wanted to protect me. My father was worried about me moving 350 miles away and Eric told him "I promise, I'll take good care of her and won't let anything happen to her". I was impressed with his concern for my father's feelings and for the way he loved being in that role. It wasn't a financial role because at the time, I had a 2K loan from a bank and that is how we started our relationship. We didn't learn how to save money until we were getting married and I worked and we put my money in the savings account and learned to live on his income and that is when he saw "Wow...look at we could do together when working toward our dreams".

That first year we were together being the young, unmarried and childless couple we were, we partied and he showed me every tourist spot in Boston, Cape Cod, NH, VT and Rhode Island. We must have went to 50 concerts that first year from small venues like The Orpheum to see Warren Zevon in Boston, The Paradise to see The Waterboys in Brighton to larger ones like Great Woods to see Eric Clapton, Robert Plant, Scorpions, Bonnie Raitt, U2 at the Boston Garden and later at the old Foxboro Stadium to see Pink Floyd's Division Bell Concert.

Our life was filled with dinners out on Friday nights, playing pool together where after 10 years I actually was getting good, going to karaoke with friends, going to Key West with friends and our best friend M's 40th birthday.

That was the life before Matthew. Eric calls it BM.

We don't miss it at all.

What I miss though is our friends who we have lost touch with, our family that we used to see 10 times or more a year. And I miss the part of our relationship where we had the "want" to do everything together, the passion of it. I miss the interests in both of our lives (that we loved before having a child) other than the house, bills and Matthew. Not necessarily the drinking part, but the part where we both loved to protect each other, put each other on that pedestal and that we could stay there for a while. I also miss the nights in Foxboro in our little apartment when he would come into our room to wake me up from sleeping, but this is a g rated blog, so I'll leave it at that.

No more watching romantic movies for me before bed...

Friday Recap

Well, this week definitely was better than last.

Matthew made it to school and is over his cold, for the most part. With the Red Sox winning the World Series to start the week off, we knew we were going to have a good week.

Halloween in the middle of the week to add to the excitement was like icing on the cake.

Today we got to finish off the yummy week with some warm and wonderful friends to play at our house.

Matthew and R have more than one thing in common. They are both boys and only 4 months apart and both are used to being the only "boy" in their household other than Daddy, so at times they have to be reminded (mostly Matthew today) that they both have to share.

R's little sister is heaven. She is the most cutest, quietest, sweetest little angel of a little girl. She is so little girl. She also loves to play with her brother though and get into dirt and play with sticks and rocks, but she does it in a dainty way.

It was nice for me to drag out Matthew's kitchen set again. I thought for sure that was going to be sold by now, but as soon as he heard that N was coming over, he immediately pulled out the buffet and made her soup.

We had a nice lunch while picking out toys we would like from Santa and Matthew explained how he wants to sell his baby toys to go to Disneyworld.

We wound up playing outside today. It was a little nippy. 50 degrees in the sun. I don't know about the shade near the water.

They really played OK though overall.

For the brief moments when they used teamwork and looked like the best of buddies, I just sighed and took pictures to make the moment last longer.

Thankful Thursday

Today is the first day of November. The first day of the month that celebrates being Thankful for your blessings. Every day of every year, I'm thankful but I thought it would be nice to make a special list on every Thursday during this month to really put them out there for the world to see.

My Top Ten What I'm Thankful For:

1. I'm Thankful for my health even though it seems to let me down at times. At this point in my life, I'm here for my son and that is my most prized blessing. (I just have to quit smoking) -maybe tomorrow I'll do a list for what I need to stop doing.
2. 
   
   I'm Thankful for God's blessing of my son. No other explanation needed, my blog speaks volumes of my love for him.
3. 
   
   I'm Thankful for Eric. Without him, my son wouldn't be here ( I would have given in after years of infertility to adoption and missed out on our most wonderful blessing), I wouldn't have the most beautiful house and possibly the financially challenging ability to be a stay at home mom. I wouldn't have 17 years of memories, some good and some bad but when we hold and look at our son, that love is the strength that keeps us going when times are tough.
4. 
   
   I'm Thankful for my mother and father. I know it sounds like I'm repeating myself, but without them, I wouldn't be here. Matthew wouldn't be here. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am, the person who cherishes family as life's most prized possession and to make the most out of every day, by enjoying our health while we have it and creating the memories for our son, while we are still on this earth.
5. 
   
   I'm Thankful for my brothers. I wouldn't be used to living with men, without them. haha... They gave me the strength I needed in my life by giving me love, hugs and humor, songs in my heart and soul with some tearful moments in between but a bond that will never be broken.
6. 
   
   I'm Thankful that God gave me one more November of being in my 30's..last one!! I'm really not looking forward to it, but hey! I'm enjoying my last November!


7. I'm Thankful for music. I know it sounds trite but it's not. It's in my soul. I need it in me to get through every day. The days I don't get to have those moments to feel my soul, everyone around me knows it.
8. 
   
   I'm Thankful for my blessing from God of my singing. I know I don't sing in church like I should or in a choir or a band, but I still know what a blessing I've been given and appreciate that part of me.
9. 
   
   I'm Thankful for God's beautiful world. I have been blessed to see Alaska, California, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Maryland, Florida, Ireland and Cancun. I wish I had time in my life to take Matthew on a road trip of the whole country to really see all of God's beautiful landscaping scenery of the mountains, lakes and everything in between.
10. 
    
    I'm Thankful for my time to blog, because God knows I need an outlet for my soul and this is it.

I will be leaving you today with one last picture of my little guy on Halloween night.

Thankful for Daddy who gave me my Spiderman: