This morning, I don't know if it is because we lost an hour but I'm in a funky mood.
It all started last night when I watched "Legends Of The Fall" with Brad Pitt. I have loved him since Thelma & Louise and I watched this movie when it first came out ten years ago, but haven't since.
I thought I was getting into a nice romantic movie and then I wound up crying my eyes out for the last hour.
It was an unbelievable movie, but I wasn't prepared for the tearjerker aspect and it proved to me that sometimes when I think I've lost feelings in certain areas, there they are. I'm alive. I feel. I don't like to see unhappy endings in a movie because it is my escape and I like to live in a fairy tale sometimes to escape. Not a fairytale life where I'm pretending to be Cinderella every day of my life (although I wish I had the mice to help me clean), I just try and make the most in my mind to get through the days. Having a child has brought out the child within, although being the little boy he is, my little girl in me has had to step aside sometimes.
I miss being that girl , the girl who dreamed of the castle and Prince Charming. Not just to have a cute guy on the white horse in a nice house, but more the rescuer of Prince Charming's nature. The guy to save you from the sleep induced spell of a witch, to save you and protect you and respect you in life along with being your best friend. The fairy tales on the screen only get you so far, it is real life that you need more than that "happy ending". You need work to make it work.
When is Disney going to make a fairy tale that shows that aspect. It is time for them to catch up with the rest of the world to show little girls that the Prince isn't always the answer. You need to find the Happy Ending within yourself first and then if he loves you, wonderful. You'll have the best of both worlds. If he doesn't, it won't crush you as much because you are already a whole person without him.
I watched too many fairy tales, romantic movies and musicals growing up. I'm not complaining because with the life I was living with my mother deteriorating year after year from a neurological illness, that is the only thing along with singing that provided that escape. Thank You God for that escape or God knows where I would be now.
When I first moved to MA in 1990, Eric was my Prince Charming. He saw this little girl who was desperately trying to get out of her environment and we had an instant connection because he immediately took the role of someone who cared for me, loved me and wanted to protect me. My father was worried about me moving 350 miles away and Eric told him "I promise, I'll take good care of her and won't let anything happen to her". I was impressed with his concern for my father's feelings and for the way he loved being in that role. It wasn't a financial role because at the time, I had a 2K loan from a bank and that is how we started our relationship. We didn't learn how to save money until we were getting married and I worked and we put my money in the savings account and learned to live on his income and that is when he saw "Wow...look at we could do together when working toward our dreams".
That first year we were together being the young, unmarried and childless couple we were, we partied and he showed me every tourist spot in Boston, Cape Cod, NH, VT and Rhode Island. We must have went to 50 concerts that first year from small venues like The Orpheum to see Warren Zevon in Boston, The Paradise to see The Waterboys in Brighton to larger ones like Great Woods to see Eric Clapton, Robert Plant, Scorpions, Bonnie Raitt, U2 at the Boston Garden and later at the old Foxboro Stadium to see Pink Floyd's Division Bell Concert.
Our life was filled with dinners out on Friday nights, playing pool together where after 10 years I actually was getting good, going to karaoke with friends, going to Key West with friends and our best friend M's 40th birthday.
That was the life before Matthew. Eric calls it BM.
We don't miss it at all.
What I miss though is our friends who we have lost touch with, our family that we used to see 10 times or more a year. And I miss the part of our relationship where we had the "want" to do everything together, the passion of it. I miss the interests in both of our lives (that we loved before having a child) other than the house, bills and Matthew. Not necessarily the drinking part, but the part where we both loved to protect each other, put each other on that pedestal and that we could stay there for a while. I also miss the nights in Foxboro in our little apartment when he would come into our room to wake me up from sleeping, but this is a g rated blog, so I'll leave it at that.
No more watching romantic movies for me before bed...
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