Horoscopes, reflecting, friends and the joy they bring no matter how you keep in touch

That other website I belong to, the one I've become distracted by and addicted to the past oh..six months, has been a blessing in more ways than one.

For the past few years, I have blogged and hoped I would make connections in addition to my own spiritual therapy of sharing, really hoped more for someone to say, "me too."

The other site, has kept me in touch with my relatives and even one of my father's brother's, my cousins that usually I only see once a year and the time flies by and you wish it was longer.

It has also made my already formed friendships stronger and more of a consistent basis, which is what you need in life, to keep a sense of humor, a sense that you are not alone and a sense of well being in more than just sharing about Matthew, in sharing about you, as the human being you are who needs social involvement to stay human.

My Carebear refuses to join this site, yet has always remained in my heart and soul. She has always emailed me or called me, right around the time when I was thinking of her - but because I am an idiot with the phone, I've not been there for her the way she needs me to be.

I'm a horrible example sometimes of a friend. I know what I need in a relationship, yet when it comes time for me to splitting up myself between everyone that wants a piece of me, and that I also need a piece of...there is nothing left over...and it's not fair and it also doesn't make her any less of a friend in my heart.

My horoscope on that site, has been dead on since I joined. Today though, I think it is off a day.

It says: Conversations have a particularly emotional, intimate, or nostalgic tone. Sharing memories and reminiscences, or discussing a very personal topic is likely now. You may have a significant communication (email, phone call, or personal discussion with someone who was once very important to you or with whom you have a long history. This is a good time to reflect, review, and get a perspective on emotional matters or things of the past.

So, with that said, yesterday Carebear sent me an email while I was getting re-acquainted with my blog and said "Guess who I ran into" and in the next 24 hours connected me with another wonderful childhood friend and both shared the most beautiful photo's and updates on their lives.

It isn't important how we keep in touch, because the memories in our hearts are what hold us together...but sharing and keeping up is essential to letting us all know that yeah..we do care, we do still hold that bond that we formed so many years ago.

I love them!

Fantasy Friday - Another Reality Mom's Night Out! & more

Well, it's funny. Some people will say "How was your weekend?" or "Aren't you glad, it's Friday!!"

When your a stay at home mom (currently looking for part time work from home at night again), weekends and Friday's aren't the same as they are for the normal working folk.

For the past six years (one more week), every day, every minute, every second, every year....has been combined into one long and lovingly rewarding from Matthew, space of time.

Unfortunately, Papa Swan is still in between jobs, as well, so when he is home, it's like one long weekend as well. It's a good thing for Matthew, he has Daddy to play with him, to help me with errands and housework, and even meeting other mom's for Matthew's scheduled play dates, when I have been sick.

During the past six years, one friend of mine has been consistently there for me. My friend P, aka Twins Mom. Her heart and devotion to me and not letting my lack of phone calls affect her friendship and for that, I am so thankful.

Tonight, together with her and another wonderful friend, N (R's mom), we will finally get out into the real world on a Friday night. With other people that have jobs during the week, and still schedule dates with friends, or real dates for the movies.

It's something how something that simple, can be so taken for granted.

When I was younger, literally every week I either brought my little brother Phil with me to the movies, or went on dates with girlfriends or otherwise to movies every week twice a week...sometimes twice in the same day. hehe

Granted our financial situation, makes my enjoying movies at the theater a fantasy these days. Thank God for P's coupons!!!!

Tonight Mama Swan is going to see Revolutionary Road with Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio. The last two movies Papa Swan and me saw actually in the theater, was one before Matthew was born, and then ten years ago Titanic. He doesn't like the seating in the theater, and would prefer to watch them at home.

I am so looking forward to being with the girls tonight to see the reunion, in this movie. Their chemistry is unbelievable.

Nothing like that unbridled love to make my Friday night! Not to mention my weekend! Or year!

Satisfying Saturday - Silly I know

But that is how I feel! It's amazing what the phone will do for you!!

By 10:30 am, I had already called two friends and my Aunt Sissy to wish her a HAPPY 81ST BIRTHDAY!!

One of my friends, twinsmom and I haven't had a girls night in a while, so tonight we are doing comedy movie at her house! I am soooo looking forward to it!

By 2:30, I had talked to a few other friends who I had lost touch with over the years, and I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be able to just hear their voice and to have absolutely no awkward moments in the conversation.

I had also talked to my little brother Phil, catching him up on his nephew's recent Mario antics. We have found a Godfather Mario today online with the music and Mario dressed in Mafia attire shooting the bad guys. The other day we found a Lego video on YouTube (both with Mama Swan's right next to him), of Lego's in concert doing AC/DC TNT and Back In Black!! hysterical!!

It's amazing though after a few phone calls, and numerous emails on that other website I hang out on, what that does for the soul.

It makes me a happier me, a more complete me, which makes for a more complete mom and wife!

It's all just wonderful.

Glad to see I'm sticking to my resolutions!

It's early I know....but things are different!

Remember When Wednesday - No Snow Before Halloween

Alright, my memory is okay.

It could be better.

It definitely gets better when I force myself to go back and clear out the fog in my head.

But Snow Before HALLOWEEN in NEPA??

I don't think I can remember in my 20 years, before moving to MA, snow before Halloween?????

I was reading the newspaper online and I almost died in shock at the snow on the ground, and in the trees.

My beautiful friend Carebear, emailed me a picture of her backyard with 6 inches of snow, and deer trying to eat through it.

It was so pretty. She lives in the mountains and so she got more than in the lower valley.

I told her I wanted to sit at her table and have Hot Cocoa..with her and look at that deer in beautiful snowy forest backyard.

But then it hit me....this same friend and I used to go trick or treating and it never, ever snowed for us.

I guess by Friday, they are calling for the snow to melt, so officially the kids won't go trick or treating with snowsuits on under their costumes.

Good thing too, or my nieces would have a hard time squeezing into their pirate costumes, my brother J mentioned they would be.

One of these days my scanner will work, so I could put more older pictures from my memories, like me dressed as a punk rocker/Casper the friendly ghost and I think I remember a Cinderella in there....

Wish I had old pictures of our Halloween memories....along with other memories of my old neighborhood and friends:-)

But in the meantime, you can enjoy these pictures of my Dad in 1948 dressed as a Hobo!! I love him!!

Keep Warm for Halloween!!

Happy First Day Of Fall....I've been hiding, I know.

Well, Well, Well. What do we know?

I could start my post by telling you a million and one excuses, of why I haven't been here in the past 7 months, but we don't have enough space.

To put in a nutshell, I have spent my whole life worrying about other people's opinions of me. I'm now done with their issues, and believe with all my heart....that I need a place to vent, a place to create, a place to be somewhat real without offending anyone.

Some of what I've written or will write again someday, has to be somewhat "rosied up" (for lack of a better word). My profile is only so many characters and so as not to turn people away, I have to make it fit. No one has a perfect life, and the main object of this blog is to help me get out some of what I'm feeling - not all.

If you want to know the behind the scenes all, or the between the rosy lines - call me. A real friend is there for you no matter what, and I will gladly pour my honest heart out and let you do the same- I'm a good listener. But for now, other than my pride of my miracle that God gave me - that's about the most honest I can get, without stepping on other people's feelings.

Now let's start this again:

Happy First Day Of Fall

Matthew is now starting his 3rd week of Kindergarten and taking the bus and he is loving every moment of it.

Everyday he tells me of a new friend on the bus who he met and wants to go to their house, but with limited information. Friday, it was a little girl who lives down this street, but "I don't know her name Mommy". The day before that we went on a wild goose chase looking for a little boy, with only a first name, white house, doesn't live on lake, but on a sunny road, that wanted ME to bake him 5 cakes.

I am enjoying every minute of his adventurous and wonderful, loving, kind, sweet, funny moments.

He is also now playing soccer and I think he is doing awesome. Yesterday my father asked him if he is #1 on his team? (meaning like the star player), and he answered NO Grandpa!! I'm number 7.

Well, today I'm cutting it short because I have had an abscessed wisdom tooth and on antibiotics, that don't do anything for the pain. I have to get something stronger, but not too strong so I can still function for my little guy.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine

Friday night while Eric was working late, I had the opportunity to watch on PBS a documentary on Carol Burnett.

I always loved her. I remember my mother watching her and her just cracking up and myself only being eleven at the time The Carol Burnett show ended on CBS.

I remember watching re-runs though and maybe even with my mother at the time they were on and just loving that "dying on the floor humor". Very similar to how I feel about Lucile Ball, but we didn't seem to watch I Love Lucy as much as I remember Carol Burnett. It wasn't until I was older and moved out of the house with cable that I saw I love Lucy and really appreciated her.

Carol Burnett was classic and it goes without saying that, they don't make them like that anymore. She was a pioneer for women's comedy and slapstick humor and so much of it was just pure and simple chemistry between her and her fellow comics on the show. The documentary mentioned that there were very few takes and that because the comedy just flowed, only one take was necessary most of the time.

She revealed how her ear tugging was for her Nanny (aka Granny) and that was her way of saying hello to her. She also went on to reveal that the famous nail biting shown on the show was her way of holding back from laughing. She did that alot.

Watching her on Friday night got me in a comedic mood. My good friend N had asked me to see a comedy show next weekend but we are going to PA to visit Grandpa so I had to take a rain check. I haven't been to a comedy show since before Matthew was born. I used to plan once a month a girl's night out and we had seen comedians in Providence, RI and it was so much fun.

I forgot how much comedy is a necessity for my soul as much as music.

I live for the words that come out of Matthew's mouth every day and wish I could just tape record them or remember to write them down more. He has me in hysterics most of the time.

Last night after Matthew fell asleep, I went crazy on YouTube.

I brought up old comics like Steven Sweeney (known Boston comedian) who I had seen back in 1990 when I first moved to MA. He was playing at a comedy club called Stitches, which at that time was on Beacon Street in Brookline but has since moved. We went there with Eric's sisters and brothers and friends. There was about 9 or 10 of us and we had sat in the front row. Since this was my first comedy club in a big city or ever for that matter, I didn't know any better.

I was wearing a black and white zebra Lycra mini dress that was in style at the time and was my personality at the time. Very body hugging and worn for Eric's eyes.

There came a time when Steve Sweeney was talking when I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I whispered in my now sister-in-law's ear that I would be right back. I was a little nervous about standing up and walking out of the room, but I had no idea that it would be as bad as it was.

I just entered the bathroom, when I hear on the microphone "WHERE DID YOUR FRIEND GO?" then I heard "TO THE BATHROOM?" "TO TAKE A POOP!!!"

I'm in there dying listening to the crowd in hysterics. I wanted to find a back window and just climb out, but I braved my way back out and through the crowd to the front tables along the stage. The whole time I was walking through the crowded quiet room, Steve Sweeney was staring at me (like I was holding him up) with a smirk on his face and he said "SO, DID YOU TAKE A POOP?"

The whole place went nuts again and I was almost in tears from laughing and embarrassment. Then he said "THAT'S A REALLY NICE DRESS".

And got on with the show.

Last night I watched 3 hours worth of Steve Sweeney, Steven Wright, Geoge Carlin, Howie Mandell for about 2 minutes (the quality wasn't good), Eddie Murphy's Raw and Delirious from the 80's impersonations of Italians, White Family, Michael Jackson, Bill Cosby, Stevie Wonder and others, Steve Martin, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Robin Williams, Larry The Cable Guy and 5 minutes of Bobcat.

IT WAS THE BEST THREE HOURS I'VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.

Next weekend I am going to PA and one thing I miss about being around my brothers, is laughter.

They always have been able to keep me laughing and I know that they will get a kick out of Matthew's growing sense of humor, but also now he might beat Uncle P at Super Mario Brothers. It should be a fun time.

What Do You Get When You Take One Housebound little boy who has been sick and AND add in a few toys around the house and some chocolate chips?

Answer:

ALA Chocolate Chip cookies crumbled with peanut butter and Candy Corn AND A HALLOWEEN PARTY

He was insistent on making cheese and milk with oil to make cookies but when he started pulling out my pans to bake the concoction....

I hurriedly picked other ingredients that were available RIGHT THEN AND NOW & didn't have to be baked.

They are now in a covered container awaiting Daddy's taste test when he gets home from work.

Today for one child, he has played with every toy he owns, a little baking and creating and all with Mommy running around trying to play with him and keep up after every mess. He's worth it...

Although, we could have done without the orange juice spilled on Daddy's rug and couch pillows, applesauce spilled on the floor and Mommy's second degree burns on my left toes as scolding hot pizza fell out of the toaster oven and on my foot instead of the plate.

That's ok...It's my fault for trying to make lunch while changing the channel on the remote and insisting he wash his hands and cleaning up the latest toy in the kitchen that wasn't there two seconds earlier.

I am looking forward to tomorrow night. I am going with some moms from the meet up group I belong to on a Coach Bus to Mohegan Sun...yeah!!! I don't gamble, but from 6PM until 2 am (if I'm not sleeping), I will be forgetting all about the spills on the floor and the pizza burn on my toes.

Catching Up On My Reading - Remembering Infertility

A few weeks ago while at the library with Matthew, we ventured into an aisle for Mommy of "self -help" books. Although I've read alot over the years, I am always looking for ways to improve, learn and to nurture my soul. We found a place where Matthew could look at his books on the floor of the aisle I was in, while I quickly grabbed whatever grabbed my eye before he was finished reading his books.

One that immediately caught my eye, was by an author named Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. called Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else.

I had seen this wonderful woman when we were going through infertility at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital in Brookline, MA. Her classes on meditation & relaxation for women going through the same stress' in life were remarkable. I left there with many meditation tapes with her soothing voice that eventually was the key I needed to complete my many intrusive exams at the time.

My body had become so anxiety ridden from numerous exams, blood work etc over the years that it was becoming to the point where I couldn't even have a pap smear. I found a wonderful doctor who is also into anything alternative to help in aiding patients and being a woman she is completely understanding. She let me listen to my tape for the 5 minutes I needed before the exam began and with alot of deep breathing and guided imagery while listening to the tape, I was in Ireland on the Cliffs Of Mohr and then it was done. I had never experienced anything so easy in my life.

After that I was able to finally do the exams where they took my eggs and eventually another exam where they would inseminate. The deep breathing and relaxation was the key to these as well.

My father in law had been mentioning to me for years about mind over matter. He introduced me to a book back in the early nineties by Herbert Benson (another pioneer of mind-over matter).

I used to just roll my eyes at some of his suggestions. I still do, but he knows that it is not with dis-respect but just a little deep for me at the moment. He had definitely hit a mark with his suggesting mind over matter.

One of my problems though is that once I got pregnant with Matthew, I forgot all about meditating and deep breathing. I thought I didn't need it anymore and after all I went through to get pregnant I wouldn't be rushing out the door for any more exams. God could take care of me for awhile.

The tapes and weekly charts of what I went through collected dust in my basement, where they still are. I have to get them out.

For some strange reason I didn't even pick up this book, until last night. I immediately read 60 pages all reminding me of the necessary means to take care of your mind, heart, soul and self.
I have been trying to go out more with moms that I have been meeting, I have been blogging more as a journal and therapeutic necessity for my creative self. I have been allowing myself my cup of iced coffee from Honey Dew Donuts, so I thought I am taking care of my "self". What I read though is about more than that.

The blogging/journals/writing is recommended due to (and I knew this) today's day and age of women more in the work force without family and friends around the corner, without community - this is their muse, their peace, their world, the place where everything they feel comes out and has a place.

While reading this I thought OK, I know what I'm talking about. I'm going to give you opinions of what I read last night...not exact quotes from the book (other's might take the meanings totally different from how I interpret it to my life).

She mentions though that if not taking the time to listen to your "self" for at least 45 minutes to an hour a day, which might include the relaxation and breathing exercises to help, everything in your life will suffer. From relationships to your every daily challenges and how we cope with small problems to major ones that we face.

She mentions how being a stay at home mom (not in the exact wording) face more depression issues, more anxiety issues, more illness, more social issues than a woman in the work force all day who then tries to juggle and balance family. The stigma is that women at home have the time to balance it all, but really there never is a balance. Women who work juggle more but due to them using there creative selves in the world, socializing with peers, just going out at lunch with a co-worker makes them less likely to get depression, anxiety, illness and social isolation.

She mentions that what we think might be balance in other peoples lives, just might be that there never is a balance. No one has balance. She also mentions that for women that stay home they (un-necessarily) expect more of the few relationships they do have and unknowingly put pressure on those people to achieve that expectation. She mentions that for the spouse of women at home, sometimes that spouse (due to the age we live in) then is supposed to be the husband, the father, the friend, the relative, the empty void that is missing with other relationships. The one who is to carry all of the weight and the financial burden of being the sole provider.

I know this is true for me. I don't want it to be true but it is. It wasn't my plan, but it seems that due to the age we live in, my staying home hasn't been the best for my relationships. Except Matthew. I really have to work on getting a job. Something that allows me to still be home, something that allows me to still be able to be there for Matthew. Today and tomorrow we have plans, but over the weekend I am going to work on my resume and just getting some of myself back into the real world. Maybe even finally finding a babysitter to go out with my husband on a date, would be a nice start.

I just ordered this book from Amazon so I have a copy to use and with my old tapes and maybe even a phone call to Dr. Ali, things will get easier.

REMEMBER WHEN WEDNESDAY - RICK SPRINGFIELD

JUST THOUGHT I WOULD POST A LITTLE FUN MEMORY TODAY BEFORE HEADING OUT WITH MATTHEW.

HE GOT A BAD BOO BOO TODAY IN OUR DRIVEWAY SO I NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE MOMMY SMILE BEFORE HEADING OUT AND THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE IT!

K - I KNOW YOU ESPECIALLY WILL APPRECIATE IT!!

Head Spinning Thursday- Preschool, The Mall & Missing My Girlie Side

I didn't think I would be able to blog today!!

I am only going to have a second to blog. Matthew fell asleep today on the way home from the mall, but he just woke up as he heard the typing from all the way upstairs. hehe

We had an appointment today with a woman from a local preschool. We were concerned about some of his mixed consonant sounds. I was sure that once he is in school around kids all day, that it was something he would outgrow. According to the woman, she agrees. She said it is appropriate to his age and that she had no problem understanding him. If come September or October, we want to have him re-evaluated, we are more than welcome to at that time. I'm not concerned. I had a lisp in first grade that I had to have help with. He (at this point) doesn't have a lisp, but more mispronouncing words...like fray for play, or t's instead of a hard C or K like tar instead of car or tat instead of cat. I am thankful that he was seen anyway though, just to ease our minds. He was accepted at that preschool for 3 mornings starting in the fall....yeah!!!

When we left the school, he wanted to go to the mall and Mommy didn't fight him because I needed something nice and up to date to wear to my niece's Holy Communion. He promised me he would be good.

Last time I took him to this 3 story mall was before Christmas. He pulled a tantrum on me about not wanting to leave and threw himself in front of my legs as I was coming off of an escalator. Not only did I almost fall on him, but older people sitting on a bench were looking at me like don't I know how to keep my son under control. I'm sure they weren't thinking that, but mom's out there, you know the look I mean. Just when you are having a really hard time, they are looking at you and not smiling either and they always seem to be in the same place as you are when you are having a bad moment.

So my heart was panicking before we even got to the mall today remembering our last trip. I didn't remind him of it, just told him that he needed to listen to me, stay out from under all the clothing racks and that we would visit the puppies, have lunch and go on his rides (money operated ride-on toys in food court) and then come home and pack for PA.

He was doing good, considering Mommy hasn't shopped for herself in a mall in probably a year. I usually will go to TJMaxx and just buy the one thing I need in my size and hope and pray it fits when I get home. I just never make the time to go clothes shopping for myself when Eric gets home at night or on the weekends. That's my fault. I could take off for an hour or two to specifically update my yucky wardrobe, but I'm usually cleaning or doing something else. I need to make an effort and promise Eric I won't break the bank.

I think I've saved him alot of money over the last 4 years on my wardrobe alone. It's something when you aren't headed out to the office everyday, your life has become sweats, jeans and sneakers. I wore pantyhose on Easter and Matthew couldn't get over them. He had never seen them on me before. I used to have a million pairs in my drawers and a million skirts and girlie things too but I have become so used to dressing quickly and without effort I have to re-learn my girlie side again. Not that I'll be wearing pantyhose to the park, but maybe a nice pink pair of Capri's with my toe nails painted pink and some pink earrings. Can you tell I'm missing my pink side?

Yesterday's blog was for my husband (obviously). I thought he would get a kick out of it and it might warm his heart. He said "It was good, Although I didn't get the prince, princess and the king part".....huh???? I told him that is also my girlie side...the little girl in me who never wants to give up the fairytale if even if it is just in my head while I'm blogging. I wanted him to know that was literally how I saw our meeting. That I still am that little girl who dreamed of walking down the aisle in her white gown...even though it already happened. I guess it is just another part of being a girl that you don't lose.

Well, we have mounds of packing to do, so you might not hear from me for a few days. All 2 of you....and who knows maybe you might.

Aren't you glad I only had a second today to blog?

True Love - Pat Benatar

Pat Benatar - True Love

Pat Benatar - True Love
Music Video Codes By Music Video Code

Ok...Mommy is a mood today...a true love mood....and hey!!! Instead of a Manic Monday Mood. I couldn't figure out how to add it too my post, so I'll just leave it up for a week or so until my mood changes:-) Isn't she awesome?

Enjoy!

Mommy's New Hair Cut - Her mother's daughter

Ok....so I'm now posting that I finally got my haircut. What's this world coming to? Little things make me happy.

Today I took the plunge, into my short hair cut again. I haven't had it this short since Matthew was a year old.

I was a little scared, because of my own insecurities about my mom's illness. My mom's illness in her later years, deprived her of being able to have a nice hairstyle (to say the least). Because of her disease, her movements and jerking of her muscles kept my father and anyone else that wanted to cut her hair, impossible. She would wake up every day with knots that were unbearable to control and so a really short hair cut was mandatory for her.

For the last 10 years or so, anyone that would see me would say "You look just like your mom". As long as I kept my hair long, in my mind that meant "when my mom was healthy" and I would be so proud because she was so beautiful. But then on bad hair days or days when I would just get out of the shower and look in the mirror, her image in her later years has started to catch up with me. They say after you have kids, something changes hormonally and you start looking like your mom. I'm not vain or shallow. If my mother hadn't had a horrendous disease that destroyed her inner and outer self, my hair and my looking like her would be the last thing on my mind.

For the last two years I've been debating cutting my hair all off again, just because with Matthew it is easier for me to get out the door. I've mentioned before that I don't have the time anymore to primp and curl or blowdry with product etc. But I didnt' want to give up my last few moments (it feels sometimes) of sexiness, of me - the me who I don't want to let go of. The me that is terrified of being at risk for that illness and what the future might hold for me, being Matthew's mom.

I finally got my hair cut today because I feel like you know what! Cut it all off! Eric is going to color it for me tomorrow night and hopefully that will spice it up a little to just add a little of me, to the look.

I am very happy that I got it cut. I did start to tear up when the girl started getting shorter and shorter and I kept looking in the mirror and my mother started appearing more and more in the reflection. Once she was done, it looked fresh and beautiful and I am going to now be proud to say You know what! I do look just like my mom and even her in her later years, but I am making her proud. After the amount of years she suffered, the least I could do is walk around with a smile with my haircut and say - Here I Am and I'm still living (with my mom in my heart) !!!

Fantasy Friday - ONE OF MOMMY'S FAVORITE MEMORIES

Well, today I was looking for a theme of how I was feeling...something, fancy that goes with Friday....oh yeah, Fantasy Friday....(silly I know).

I am always looking for pictures of where I am from in PA or pictures that represent part of what makes me complete as a person.

I've mentioned in the past that I had a rough time growing up with my mom's illness. Once I was old enough to get my license I started to really see that the beauty was more than just in the woods surrounding my neighborhood, that it was across on the other mountain - or down that road, up that big hill, over into the farms. It just kept expanding as I started getting more adventurous.

In one of those adventures, in the summertime, I found the place in the above picture. The part of PA I'm from is full of beauty like this with waterfalls, wonderful lush forests, gorges and swimming tubs.

The more that I would get stressed with my situation at home, ironically the more water was calming or would pull me. I would spend hours just deep in thought at this particular gorge. The picture doesn't do it justice. Picture being down there, on the rock closest to that and now close your eyes and feel the cold splash or the mist and water and listen to that roaring sound of the water. A few people closest to me were lucky enough to visit it with me, before the city had for safety's sake closed off the area. The dangerous height and irresponsibility of teenagers left it a dangerous mix. I did my own share of "escaping" while down there and even diving into it...although from a 5 foot cliff, not even near the height some kids dived from. Although I did read that they have made it safer in the summertime now. I have to get back to visit.

My fantasizing today isn't about my escaping then and the fact that I swam in it. I'm not bragging. I brag about Matthew. hehe

My fantasy today is in the beauty and sound of that gorge, that when I can't make it in again this weekend for my niece's Holy Communion due to weather and other issues including financial, this picture is a place I can escape to in my mind even for one minute.

That Thank God I at least have my fantasy to keep me going and for me it's more than a fantasy, it's called a MEMORY.

In the my late teens-early 20's, in the summer time, I sat in that gorge. If you look in the picture to where those two rocks come together, to where it starts the actual waterfall. I sat in that water rushing over the edge, like one big, calming, wonderful, healing, natural, scenic hug with the water hitting me like jets in a hot tub. This is only one of many of Mommy's scenic memories in life, that I like to remember now and then....it's good for the soul.

On a good note, Matthew and I will be going down next week sometime for a whole week. Mommy's mother day present to myself.

Mommy has the afternoon OFF???

Well, I am so excited to have some hours just for me. I wasn't going to spend it on the computer blogging, but just one small one before I head out into the beautiful blue sky day.

Eric had to work last Sunday. He wound up going in at 5 pm (because I had a bellyache) and worked until 3 am. He had mentioned that he was taking Friday off, but I never get my hopes up because he has so many things going on at his work, or with the yard, the house that it very rarely means Mommy has time off. The few times it happens, I don't even know it is happening until he is heading out the door to the playground with Matthew, and then it's like...Hey!! HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE? DO I HAVE AN HOUR? DO I HAVE TWO? SHOULD I BLOG? SHOULD I TAKE A BUBBLE BATH? SHOULD I SING REALLY LOUD ON MY MICROPHONE OR JUST BLAST SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER AND CLEAN REALLY FAST WITHOUT ANY INTERRUPTIONS?

Eric is going away on business next week for 5-6 days to NJ. He also mentioned to me the other night, that he was going to Philly a few weeks later.

In my ideal world, I like to use the time that Eric is out of state, keeping Matthew occupied for those 5-6 (24 hours) each day. It is a long time for a little boy. He doesn't understand weeks yet, it is a long time for just Mommy to keep him happy and entertained and going to PA during that time is a way for me to fill that void in both of us. Matthew has an appointment this week, that we can not miss , so we can't make this time.

When we do go we try and visit my Aunt, My Godmother, other family, friends, Uncle J and Matthew's cousins. Each day is a little adventure for us, seeing the cows in the country, the mountains - sitting with Grandpa on the porch in the summer or going out for breakfast in the morning. It winds up becoming Matthew's memories and I've got him to eat really good at that restaurant we go to. An inexpensive restaurant, with good quality and large portions. We had the luncheon after my mother's funeral there.

It is hard to do being a stay at home mom though, on one income. The time I spend visiting does get costly when you consider I like to go home at least every two months, either with Matthew for a few days/week or by myself for a weekend. In the 17 years I have lived in MA, I have never had the money to fly. The area I'm from intermittently has direct flights to Boston, like once every ten years and there are extremely expensive, then I'd have to rent a car.

Even though I limit our dinners to inexpensive eating establishments, buying food to eat just staying at Grandpa's house (essentials for Matthew - whole wheat, baby shampoo, peanut butter & jelly, OJ) gas for the car, and occasionally in the summer time trips to amusement parks, it can still be expensive for one income when you add up the amount of days. It's not like we are living the high life. I don't have to pay a hotel fee and the host is the most hospitable guy in the world, who after all of the time coming in now knows enough to stock up on OJ with calcium and no pulp, whole wheat bread etc..and he does it out of love. I will show up and he will have lasagna waiting or spaghetti and meatballs. He tries to help the most he can and he is so thoughtful and a wonderful father and grandfather.

The answer to our money problems is a simple one. My getting a job for the hours when Eric is home at night with Matthew.

I've mentioned to him that I am open to customer serivce, data entry, doctor's office help, receptionist, waitress, hostess etc. That regardless, no matter what job I take, he needs to tell me weeks in advance about future out of town trips or changes in his daily schedule so that I then could tell my potential employer.

So, until we work out our commitment issues between us for whose job/scheduling etc and how it can all work, my trips to PA are on a limited time basis.

I found a guitarist position yesterday looking for a vocalist for duo acts in a lounge. It looked like if I had the time to rehearse it might be up my alley. Eric doesn't think my schedule can make that commitment.

I think my schedule now that Matthew is getting older, would work perfectly with a wedding band. A band that only works maybe one day a month in the winter, but rehearse a few nights a week and then in the summer months maybe two - three weddings a month. I think I can handle that considering Eric is home most Saturday's and the money would then help us with our town taxes, car expenses and trips to PA not to mention daily living expenses and Mommy would be singing...make everyone happy. And then next time Matthew says Mommy did you go out with your band? I can say "YES!"

Anyway, I do have to get off the computer and get out. I think I might just take a walk in a state forest and breathe the rusteling of the leaves. I haven't seen the ocean in a long time, but gas is expensive.

Eric's sister in Boston is moving this weekend and so Eric has taken Matthew in to visit with his cousins and help with them moving. Due to all of the chaos, we are now going into Boston for Easter. Less cleaning for Mommy...hehe

Tomorrow we will be visiting with the Easter Bunny and coloring our eggs.

The Sound Of Music with Matthew & a little Michael Buble for Mommy!!

Today will be the first less than cloudy or rainy day all week, so we will be making a trip out to AC Moore for some craft supplies. I found some really cute ideas for Easter, but eveytime I look at something, there is always something that I'm missing. Just simple things like paper plates, pipe cleaners etc. So hopefully, the distraction of that wonderful store will be an easy venture for us today and then later we can make some cute bunnies and Easter tulips.

Matthew has already had his craft moment today. He took out his playdoh and made me some "trophies". I will post the pics later. He is so creative and funny. He took his little animals, like dinosaurs, farm animals and underwater creatures and put each one separately in a "trophy" stand and gave them to me one at a time. They made a beautiful display on our granite counter top in the kitchen. Don't worry Daddy, I've cleaned it up already.

While Matthew was eating breakfast today, Little Einsteins was on the Disney channel. They were singing Do-Re-Mi....next thing you know guess who started singing the whole thing!!! I am so proud of him! He then ran upstairs to very proudly give Daddy his performance. Later, while doing playdoh I started singing it with him. He kept saying Do Re Si or Fi, so I was trying to teach him the words to remember by saying Do a deer, Re (a drop of golden sun) and then pointing to myself said Mi (a name I call myself)...he ran off distracted by something else.

When I went on YouTube I found Sound Of Music's version and he was looking at me singing with Julie Andrews like How Do You Know that song mommy? He was so impressed with my knowing all the words and knowing the song. He then walked off and went to play with something else, but now I have to get that movie. I can't believe it is one I don't have. It is definitely one of my favorites. Then I brought up YouTube's video of Julie Andrews singing with the Muppet's, The Lonely Goatherd and when I was yodeling with them, he kept smiling at me very impressed. He got a kick out of Kermit The Frog in the video.

Speaking of music, I was watching my favorite show American Idol last night for the elimination night. After Wednesday's performance, I really am pulling for humble and sweet Melinda Doolittle (her name is even humble and sweet). Her performance on Wednesday of Ive Got Rhythm was outstanding. I didn't think I would ever get chills from that show like I did with that performance!! It reminded me of watching Fantasia doing "Summertime" when she sat out on the stage and just belted it so soulfully. But Melinda!!! Looking at her, listening to her humbleness and then hearing that power, she deserves to win. So last night I was watching eliminations, waiting for Tony Bennett to perform because he was the prior nights performer that they had all worked with, and then Ryan Seacrest said "He has the flu, a friend of mine is going to sing instead please welcome, MICHAEL BUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ok, I already knew that he has a new album coming out on May 1st, but I didn't know he would be popping into my little moment on the TV last night. It was like a special Mommy gift just for me. Thank you Mommy Gods!!!

There is debate today though on the American Idol message boards about his "so, so performance". All I have to say is I've seen him live, I've seen him on YouTube and listen to him everyday I'm in my car, he was a little like one of the contestants last night instead of the performer, BUT in his defense he also had hours notice of his appearance and his comic side and giving props to the band is part of his performing quality. Some people on the boards didn't understand that. They need to see him live to appreciate him, like me. (heehee) Thanks Dad BTW!!!

Last year, my best friend K and I saw Def Leppard and Journey on a Friday night in PA. When I got back to my father's house late that night, my father broke the news "How would you like to go to another concert tomorrow?" The Def Leppard/Journey concert was the first one for me since Vince Gill in 2001. Mommy missed going to concerts, and NOW TWO IN TWO DAYS (REALLY THREE IF YOU COUNT DEF LEPPARD CO-HEADLINING WITH JOURNEY).

My father went on to tell me he was at a local resort that night, where Michael Buble was staying and his friend who is a DJ's there, got him two mezzanine tickets. I didn't even know who Michael Buble was. My father mentioned he did Frank Sinatra music and so being the daughter of a man who sings better than Frank Sinatra and does his music for weddings, venues and has opened up for Lou Rawls, I couldn't say no. It would be fun. A nice father and daughter moment.

The last time we had gone to anything together like that was in the early 90's to a small Masonic Temple to see a 50's Reunion tour of real groups including The Tokens who did The Lion Sleeps Tonight. So, this was going to be a sweet night of just Frank Sinatra music with my Daddy. We went to Bennigans for dinner, had a pint of Smithwicks (to put some Irish into our night) and then we went to the concert.

Now the night before I had got way too made up overdoing my makeup and hair for my 80's revival moment with my friend K and her daughter. The rain and almost hurricane ruined my whole look, but I had tried to look pretty. I mentioned to my friend that I couldn't get over the way some girls these days just don't care about there appearance and couldn't get over the way some of them showed up to this concert! No make-up, no jewelery, pants hanging when they sat down to reveal things we don't want to see etc. I thought of my earlier single days going to see bands and although the Lycra mini skirts might not have been the best decision at the time, that was what was in style and I always did my hair and make-up and made an attempt to at least make a good impression. I even got to meet Tracy Guns from LA Guns (but that's another story).

Anyway, that night going to see Michael Buble I figured I'll just wear jeans, just going to sit in the upper mezzanine nose bleed section, no one will see me, just there for my moment with my Dad. I almost DIED WHEN I SAW THE girls lining up for the doors to open! Beautiful dresses from the 30's style over the knees, nice heels nothing to risque, so old-fashioned, well groomed young men and young women!! I'm talking teens, early 20's...all dressed up so nice!!! I was so impressed and felt so under dressed, like maybe this Michael Buble has a cult and they know ahead of time to dress this way? But I was also immediately impressed by the guys on the dates dressed so nice and coming to take their date out for a nice, Frank Sinatra night....there was hope for all MANKIND!!!!!! MAYBE IF I COULD GET ERIC ON THIS BANDWAGON, HE WOULD DRESS NICE AND TAKE ME ALL DRESSED OUT TOO SOMETIME TO SEE THIS GUY!!

We go inside and take our seat. The guy that gave my father the tickets, came to see how we liked our view. He asked me if I had ever heard of MB before and I said I had not but being a Frank Sinatra lover, I'm sure he will be good...AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAID..."Don't you know that song HOME that he does?" I almost died again....and almost couldn't breathe too. My mother's passing was just a few months fresh for me at this point and so every time I heard that voice on the radio singing about HOME, that almost John Mayer sounding voice I thought, I would only listen to a little and have to change the channel without tearing up. I missed HOME, I missed my family....I thought OK ..this is going to be good, and who better to see this with then my dad.

I AM NOW A HUGE, MAJOR FAN OF MICHEAL BUBLE AND AM SHOUTING IT TO THE WORLD!!! His performance live is spectacular, intimate, comedic, professional, outstanding vocal quality, charming with his audience women and even has the guys laughing, mesmerizing. And my father doesn't give kudos to other guys doing Frank, For him to like him you know he had to be good!!!

Gotta pull up someone's pants from going potty and get out of the house now! (and play a little Feeling So Good on the way)

Reasoning behind my Blogging

Ironically I was thinking about posting this today and after an interesting conversation today with someone, I thought it would be a good time to do it.

A few years ago, I read The Friendship Crisis by Marla Paul after feeling like I wasn't making any connections with the mom's in my mom's club or at the playground. I was very enlightened and decided as she says "Don't ever give up trying" to take that advice. We were going to be moving back into our home after doing our addition in May of 2005 and I decided to put out a flyer to all of the mom's on the lake we live in, stating "To ALL working and stay at Home Mom's". I was looking to start our own group of Mom's in the neighborhood for play dates, mom's night's out, connections for babysitting and just basic friends down the street or next door. After putting out 100 flyers, I got one reply from a mom of a 12 year old boy that she wanted to get him started in babysitting. I said I for myself anyway, was hoping for someone older for Matthew (preferably someone with Babysitting experience through the Red Cross due to us living on the lake) but that once I got more replies from other mom's we would get this group going.

It never got going. I am a member to many mom's groups online always looking for mom's for play dates for Matthew and can't even tell you how unlucky I've been. Either the group cancels the event or it would be for babies alot younger than Matthew's age or on one occasion just recently was when Matthew was sick.

I started this blog because I am aware of the sickos out in the world. I wasn't going to use myspace after hearing so many horror stories. I knew that blogging and being part of BlogHer or other Blog Rolls aimed toward Mom's that at least I would make some connections out in the real world with other mom's. It's been a long 4 years of not having any other women on a daily basis in my life and this is my way of sharing about my family while still trying to make some connections out there.

One of the first blogs I read was from Jenn at Blogher on The New BackYard Fence . I completely related with her and also with some of her own posts on her own home site called Mommy Needs Coffee (another common denominator between us).

So if anyone is worried anymore about my taking chances with my son, please be assured that I not only am among millions of other mom's out there in the same situation, but some with astounding advice and warm hearts too.

My son is my only reason for living. I would never in a million years do anything to jeopardize him. And I know that for the creeps in the world, they have victimized other children out there whose parents probably said the same thing. I can only hope and pray that they keep away from my son. But like other terrorists in the world, to let them keep my thoughts to myself or keep me from my way of expression is my giving in to them. And this isn't the same thing as how I felt about not letting the terrorists affect my life after 9/11, it is the kind of terror that grabs the brain by fear and says you have no right to be human and have your right to freedom of speech.

And me being an Italian/Irish Sagittarius girl that I am, I won't stop talking as long as I have the ability to think. My mother suffered from a disease for over 20 years that forced her voice to be quiet and all she ever wanted was to live life every day like no one was watching and take charge of each day and scream out to the world about the beauty in it. Out of respect for my mother, her illness and just me as a woman in general...I'm still living and I'm still talking and I'm still a mom.

Eric is just relieved to know that my blogging doesn't cost him anything. I told him if he looks at how many years I had no hobby or no one in the world to connect to, he shouldn't be concerned. There are worse things I could be addicted to then social connections.