Catching Up On My Reading - Remembering Infertility

A few weeks ago while at the library with Matthew, we ventured into an aisle for Mommy of "self -help" books. Although I've read alot over the years, I am always looking for ways to improve, learn and to nurture my soul. We found a place where Matthew could look at his books on the floor of the aisle I was in, while I quickly grabbed whatever grabbed my eye before he was finished reading his books.

One that immediately caught my eye, was by an author named Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. called Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else.

I had seen this wonderful woman when we were going through infertility at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital in Brookline, MA. Her classes on meditation & relaxation for women going through the same stress' in life were remarkable. I left there with many meditation tapes with her soothing voice that eventually was the key I needed to complete my many intrusive exams at the time.

My body had become so anxiety ridden from numerous exams, blood work etc over the years that it was becoming to the point where I couldn't even have a pap smear. I found a wonderful doctor who is also into anything alternative to help in aiding patients and being a woman she is completely understanding. She let me listen to my tape for the 5 minutes I needed before the exam began and with alot of deep breathing and guided imagery while listening to the tape, I was in Ireland on the Cliffs Of Mohr and then it was done. I had never experienced anything so easy in my life.

After that I was able to finally do the exams where they took my eggs and eventually another exam where they would inseminate. The deep breathing and relaxation was the key to these as well.

My father in law had been mentioning to me for years about mind over matter. He introduced me to a book back in the early nineties by Herbert Benson (another pioneer of mind-over matter).

I used to just roll my eyes at some of his suggestions. I still do, but he knows that it is not with dis-respect but just a little deep for me at the moment. He had definitely hit a mark with his suggesting mind over matter.

One of my problems though is that once I got pregnant with Matthew, I forgot all about meditating and deep breathing. I thought I didn't need it anymore and after all I went through to get pregnant I wouldn't be rushing out the door for any more exams. God could take care of me for awhile.

The tapes and weekly charts of what I went through collected dust in my basement, where they still are. I have to get them out.

For some strange reason I didn't even pick up this book, until last night. I immediately read 60 pages all reminding me of the necessary means to take care of your mind, heart, soul and self.
I have been trying to go out more with moms that I have been meeting, I have been blogging more as a journal and therapeutic necessity for my creative self. I have been allowing myself my cup of iced coffee from Honey Dew Donuts, so I thought I am taking care of my "self". What I read though is about more than that.

The blogging/journals/writing is recommended due to (and I knew this) today's day and age of women more in the work force without family and friends around the corner, without community - this is their muse, their peace, their world, the place where everything they feel comes out and has a place.

While reading this I thought OK, I know what I'm talking about. I'm going to give you opinions of what I read last night...not exact quotes from the book (other's might take the meanings totally different from how I interpret it to my life).

She mentions though that if not taking the time to listen to your "self" for at least 45 minutes to an hour a day, which might include the relaxation and breathing exercises to help, everything in your life will suffer. From relationships to your every daily challenges and how we cope with small problems to major ones that we face.

She mentions how being a stay at home mom (not in the exact wording) face more depression issues, more anxiety issues, more illness, more social issues than a woman in the work force all day who then tries to juggle and balance family. The stigma is that women at home have the time to balance it all, but really there never is a balance. Women who work juggle more but due to them using there creative selves in the world, socializing with peers, just going out at lunch with a co-worker makes them less likely to get depression, anxiety, illness and social isolation.

She mentions that what we think might be balance in other peoples lives, just might be that there never is a balance. No one has balance. She also mentions that for women that stay home they (un-necessarily) expect more of the few relationships they do have and unknowingly put pressure on those people to achieve that expectation. She mentions that for the spouse of women at home, sometimes that spouse (due to the age we live in) then is supposed to be the husband, the father, the friend, the relative, the empty void that is missing with other relationships. The one who is to carry all of the weight and the financial burden of being the sole provider.

I know this is true for me. I don't want it to be true but it is. It wasn't my plan, but it seems that due to the age we live in, my staying home hasn't been the best for my relationships. Except Matthew. I really have to work on getting a job. Something that allows me to still be home, something that allows me to still be able to be there for Matthew. Today and tomorrow we have plans, but over the weekend I am going to work on my resume and just getting some of myself back into the real world. Maybe even finally finding a babysitter to go out with my husband on a date, would be a nice start.

I just ordered this book from Amazon so I have a copy to use and with my old tapes and maybe even a phone call to Dr. Ali, things will get easier.