Prayer Request

This year has been one of ups and downs. It started out on a high note.

Last Christmas Eve, Eric and I had decided it was finally time to go forward with at least trying to have our last frozen embryo from 2002 inseminated. When we were going through IVF, we had 5 fertilized embryo's set aside. Two that failed, were inseminated on Mother's Day 2002, two more were inseminated in July of that year, of which one took and we now have our Miracle.

The last one, has been in storage for the past six years. For many reasons, year after year, we weren't ready. Yet we also, didn't get pregnant on our own, so if we really wanted Matthew to have a sibling...we needed to move.

The storage fees have climbed unbelievably and we never intended for to have an only child. We want Matthew to grow up with "familia" surrounding him with love, someone to share stories with at the Thanksgiving day table years from now.

Last Christmas Eve, Eric and I had made the decision to go ahead, and then he got laid off from his job in January.

We have been in limbo ever since. (again)

We both aren't getting any younger. We both believe that we could never give "another possible Matthew" to another couple, regardless of the years of struggling with infertility that we faced. We both believe that there is no other alternative, but to just wait. We never would abort a "possible Matthew".

They tell me that year after year, the likeliness of success gets slimmer. That I would again have to take the ten weeks of injections (requiring insurance) to then have a slim shot (no pun intended) of getting pregnant.

I have been a stay at home mom all of this time, waiting for my "possible" other miracle, putting careers and moving myself forward on hold, thinking this time will be coming soon. But I don't know anymore.

It's tough living in limbo.

Eric had a temporary contract job, that yesterday they said will end at the end of the month. Next week.

Between the state of the world right now, the state of uncertainty in my life with my son, the fact that I'm practically unemployable due to no other childcare other than my husband and myself, the health issues of my being hypothyroid, being at risk for mom's illness, severe PMS, having a damned abscessed tooth (that for the pain - might as well be my whole mouth that is abscessed), I'm tired.

Sometimes I just wish that there was a way, I could divide myself into more than one being. That person would always be hugging Matthew and being a loving mom and just wanting only the best for him, and the other one could deal with the real world issues and be healthy physically to be able to achieve the moon for him.

I know I'm not crazy or mentally losing it, just facing the daily balances that I face alone sometimes, is torture and could get on any one's nerves. It's hard being the person to smile all the time, when your the only one trying to keep the smile, or keep the dreams alive - the reality of the dream and not the dreaming itself.

I don't know if I'm making sense, but what I mean is talking about dreaming, and empty dreaming or promises, are no way to live. When you can't find a way to make them work, it's even more painful.

Sorry enough rambling, so glad I'm back to my blog so I can just vent like this.