Manic Monday - Crazy he calls me .........

"Crazy he calls me, sure I'm crazy....crazy in love am I." Linda Ronstadt version with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra from her 1983 album "What's New?"

Well, this morning was a typical "Monday morning". Crazy ...la la la

Matthew has this temper these days when he isn't getting his way, and we are trying to let him know that we are his parents and that he has to listen to us.

Typical five year old boy independence, and MEGA macho testosterone (yet still wants mommy to cuddle) . I know how to do it!!! Yet I need your help, but I don't want your help!! He gets so frustrated when he can't do something on the first try. I try and tell him - take a deep breath.

Yesterday we read, appropriately so, The Grumpy Morning and The Way I Feel, and I reiterated to him, that even Mommy sometimes gets frustrated and needs to move from the situation, go for a walk (or long drive in my case), and usually once I've had a moment to calm down, I can then conquer the world.

It doesn't help that all of our frustration levels right now are at an all time high, that we had just spent three rainy days pretty much cooped up in the house with no sunshine. Today when he gets home it will get better. He is still adjusting to this new long week for him in Kindergarten.

His teacher wants us to work on taking off and putting on his coat with the sleeves the right way (so when they put them on - it's easier and more efficient to have them just slip them on), but again he will not have any part of doing it. He wants to but once his arm gets stuck reaching for the sleeve, he gets fed up. He has no problem putting the coat on and even zipped it up (which I have problems with), but by the time we get to try taking off the sleeves the right way - he's had it.

I tell him don't get upset over little things. That to him right now, they seem like they are big things, but they are not.

That he can do anything if he puts his mind to it, and just tries to take a deep breath and stay calm.

Last night, again he had me on my knees in tears, over him not wanting to let me go to sleep in his own bed, on his own.

I was so strong this time, it was going to happen. But it just breaks my heart and after a half hour of arguing/crying, I give in.

Tonight though he says it will be different.

We are working on a chart for everything right now. He is doing awesome at everything that we are working on, and every day I add something new to the chart like "clearing the table, or getting off the computer games without talking back and with a good team player attitude."

So, God willing tonight will be the night.

I'm trying to raise him with love, respect and to know what is real in life. I want him to be the most well balanced child with self esteem, yet not too much testosterone to overlook feelings of those around him. I don't think that will happen. He is the most loving, sweet, wonderful, kind, thoughtful and considerate son to me. If that is any indication of how he will be someday with his friends, family and the people who will be important to him in his life....then maybe I'm on the right path?

I have to start taking him and getting us back to church. For one reason or another, I've failed in this area too.

We say our prayers, Thank God every night for our blessings, but I know his Grandma in Heaven is probably ready to kick me in the you know where, because I haven't enforced us going to church.

The few times we tried, he didn't want any part of behaving.

Now though, he has no choice. It will be good for him, he needs to see and feel faith, love and people show their respect and love for God and each other with prayers and song. He needs to learn the beautiful stories that I loved as a child of the Old and New testament. He needs community of other children learning in Sunday school.

I think that bringing church back into our life, will actually provide us with more for me (I miss being surrounded by that warm feeling), but also a new routine for him that will also give him substance and reason, a chance to see people's humility, humbleness and kindness.

So mommy's goal this week: Sleep in own room by himself, work on taking deep breaths, and bringing church back into our life.

God is in his life. That is one thing, that regardless of going to church that we have made sure he knows he is wonderful, of all this world is because of God, all of the beauty that God created including him. He knows and loves God, just doesn't know church and the hour of taking deep breaths that he will need to take if he gets frustrated.

Prayers greatly appreciated.

Toothless Thursday

Yesterday, Mama Swan went to see an Oral Surgeon. I have to have my abscessed wisdom tooth and the remnants of an old root canal extracted. I am the biggest wimp in the world, and decided to choose to be put almost all the way out during the surgery.

The appointment isn't until the middle of October, so as long as the pain stays away - fingers crossed, once these buggers are pulled, life will return to normal.

Growing up, due to my mom's illness, (famous words I use often) parenting issues such as dental care went on the back burner for my brothers and I. I don't blame anyone, because like I mentioned before my father had his world turn into a hurricane and tornado in his home, and he did the best he could.

But now with Matthew, I just want to make sure that nothing slips through the cracks.

I have to make him a dentist appointment right now. We are waiting to find out when unemployment benefits will kick in, due to Eric's contract ending.

I'm a little nervous, because my little guy lost two teeth days before starting kindergarten.

The first one happened on August 5th. He was playing with a light saver, from Star Wars and it hit him in the mouth. On the way to swimming lessons in the car, he yells "Mommy! Look!!! My tooth came out!!" I looked back and panicked as I saw blood just covering his little face and mouth, pulled the car over (ironically into a dental parking lot), to catch my breath and calm down. My babies first tooth that came out of his little mouth.

Not even two weeks later, the tooth next to it came out.

This morning, he is telling me "Mom, the other one now is loose!!" I'm like "Listen Your Only In Kindergarten!!!! Stop touching it!!!!

He also told me that when I have my surgery, I could put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy.

I wonder if she will leave me enough to cover the cost of the surgery. hmmmmm

Prayer Request

This year has been one of ups and downs. It started out on a high note.

Last Christmas Eve, Eric and I had decided it was finally time to go forward with at least trying to have our last frozen embryo from 2002 inseminated. When we were going through IVF, we had 5 fertilized embryo's set aside. Two that failed, were inseminated on Mother's Day 2002, two more were inseminated in July of that year, of which one took and we now have our Miracle.

The last one, has been in storage for the past six years. For many reasons, year after year, we weren't ready. Yet we also, didn't get pregnant on our own, so if we really wanted Matthew to have a sibling...we needed to move.

The storage fees have climbed unbelievably and we never intended for to have an only child. We want Matthew to grow up with "familia" surrounding him with love, someone to share stories with at the Thanksgiving day table years from now.

Last Christmas Eve, Eric and I had made the decision to go ahead, and then he got laid off from his job in January.

We have been in limbo ever since. (again)

We both aren't getting any younger. We both believe that we could never give "another possible Matthew" to another couple, regardless of the years of struggling with infertility that we faced. We both believe that there is no other alternative, but to just wait. We never would abort a "possible Matthew".

They tell me that year after year, the likeliness of success gets slimmer. That I would again have to take the ten weeks of injections (requiring insurance) to then have a slim shot (no pun intended) of getting pregnant.

I have been a stay at home mom all of this time, waiting for my "possible" other miracle, putting careers and moving myself forward on hold, thinking this time will be coming soon. But I don't know anymore.

It's tough living in limbo.

Eric had a temporary contract job, that yesterday they said will end at the end of the month. Next week.

Between the state of the world right now, the state of uncertainty in my life with my son, the fact that I'm practically unemployable due to no other childcare other than my husband and myself, the health issues of my being hypothyroid, being at risk for mom's illness, severe PMS, having a damned abscessed tooth (that for the pain - might as well be my whole mouth that is abscessed), I'm tired.

Sometimes I just wish that there was a way, I could divide myself into more than one being. That person would always be hugging Matthew and being a loving mom and just wanting only the best for him, and the other one could deal with the real world issues and be healthy physically to be able to achieve the moon for him.

I know I'm not crazy or mentally losing it, just facing the daily balances that I face alone sometimes, is torture and could get on any one's nerves. It's hard being the person to smile all the time, when your the only one trying to keep the smile, or keep the dreams alive - the reality of the dream and not the dreaming itself.

I don't know if I'm making sense, but what I mean is talking about dreaming, and empty dreaming or promises, are no way to live. When you can't find a way to make them work, it's even more painful.

Sorry enough rambling, so glad I'm back to my blog so I can just vent like this.

Happy First Day Of Fall....I've been hiding, I know.

Well, Well, Well. What do we know?

I could start my post by telling you a million and one excuses, of why I haven't been here in the past 7 months, but we don't have enough space.

To put in a nutshell, I have spent my whole life worrying about other people's opinions of me. I'm now done with their issues, and believe with all my heart....that I need a place to vent, a place to create, a place to be somewhat real without offending anyone.

Some of what I've written or will write again someday, has to be somewhat "rosied up" (for lack of a better word). My profile is only so many characters and so as not to turn people away, I have to make it fit. No one has a perfect life, and the main object of this blog is to help me get out some of what I'm feeling - not all.

If you want to know the behind the scenes all, or the between the rosy lines - call me. A real friend is there for you no matter what, and I will gladly pour my honest heart out and let you do the same- I'm a good listener. But for now, other than my pride of my miracle that God gave me - that's about the most honest I can get, without stepping on other people's feelings.

Now let's start this again:

Happy First Day Of Fall

Matthew is now starting his 3rd week of Kindergarten and taking the bus and he is loving every moment of it.

Everyday he tells me of a new friend on the bus who he met and wants to go to their house, but with limited information. Friday, it was a little girl who lives down this street, but "I don't know her name Mommy". The day before that we went on a wild goose chase looking for a little boy, with only a first name, white house, doesn't live on lake, but on a sunny road, that wanted ME to bake him 5 cakes.

I am enjoying every minute of his adventurous and wonderful, loving, kind, sweet, funny moments.

He is also now playing soccer and I think he is doing awesome. Yesterday my father asked him if he is #1 on his team? (meaning like the star player), and he answered NO Grandpa!! I'm number 7.

Well, today I'm cutting it short because I have had an abscessed wisdom tooth and on antibiotics, that don't do anything for the pain. I have to get something stronger, but not too strong so I can still function for my little guy.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Happy 13 Years Eric

I can't believe that I haven't been on here in 3 months. I got off for my own personal reasons and really felt like I lost part of my soul.

I am so happy that Blogger didn't delete my blog and for once in my life, I don't care what anyone else thinks.

I just want to have back a very important part of my heart and soul. Sometimes I get carried away when things go bad in my life and my emotions just pour out....sometimes I get to remember the good times.

This month has been full of ups and downs so far. Matthew turned five and all I wanted to do while planning his party was to be blogging about it and how much I miss typing out what comes out of his mouth. There is no other place that I did that and this was my ocean, my mountain peak, my place to sit and do that.

Happy Anniversary Eric............................Thank you for my beautiful miracle. I love you.