Grandpa Shows Up With Cabbage!!

Last night during dinner, Matthew ran to me and said, "Tell me a story about your mom!"

I said, "You mean when I was little?"

He said, "Yes, Anything!"

I was shocked the way he came up to me and just asked me straight out about her. I told him how she was so beautiful, as I was quickly racking my brain for good memories with her. Due to her illness, my memory isn't the best with the good times, and I don't want him to know that.

So, I told him how she loved to bake and was so beautiful.

I then remembered a funny story but had to alter it a little due to his age.

I told him when his Grandpa met Grandma, he worked on a farm. My father being all Italian in the summer working on the farm, would get very dark. (I left that part out) I told him that Grandpa was so happy to meet Grandma, that one day he brought a head of cabbage to her house.

He knocked on the door and Matthew's Great-Grandmother opened the door in shock!!!

I told Matthew it was due to the size of the cabbage. It was really about the darkness of my father and him standing there at the front door of my Irish Grandmother's house, with that head of cabbage.

It was late 1950's early 1960's! So she was a little shook up!

My Grandmother then ran into the other room, screaming who and why is this man at our door?

I didn't explain this part to Matthew. He was happy with the fact that Grandpa showed up with the cabbage for Grandma!

Part of my resolution this year, is not to feel bad about the past..yet this isn't feeling bad, it's sharing memories.

I always wish Matthew had more people around to say, when your mom was a girl she did this, or your Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle's and cousins did this...

You get the picture....not only his memories yet to be created, but to also have a sense of who we all are, and our memories to help mold his life.

Yesterday and today, I have been back to the routine of school again, as well as the getting up early. I am getting myself up 45 minutes to an hour earlier than him, to have a cup of coffee, wash my face, get dressed and take care of me so I can then tackle him.

My hair is now in layers, and the girl said to get the curly look just let it dry by itself, so I have been letting the back dry and just take care of my bangs.

This morning, after doing my hair.

He looks at me and said "Mommy, your hair is messy still!"

I said, "Hey, I got up early to fix it so it isn't messy honey...this is the style."

He said, "Oh yeah, I like it like that!"

I now have to just go vacuum, play date today with some friends that we miss and I promise I am not cleaning more than that, the bathroom and the kitchen counters!

I have pride!

Catching Up with Uncle P and Grandpa P

I really wish and pray that not only could I stick to blogging once a day, that I could stick to the promises and wishes that I make for myself everyday.

The last few weeks were busy trying to get ready for Thanksgiving, then my brothers visit with his beautiful and sweet family oriented new girlfriend M.

About a month ago, I mentioned to Phil (oh no I said it!) I'm tired of calling him P and he doesn't mind.

Anyway, we mentioned Matthew asked Santa Claus for Nintendo Mario paraphernalia and I asked him if he had any old stuff lying around, since he has played games since the original Nintendo. He said he didn't. He later called me to mention, that his girlfriend M had one in her trunk, that she wanted to "give" Matthew for Christmas. Now, how absolutely wonderful is she!!! Not only does she love to travel, she gets my brother up here to visit and bring my son his gift for a Super Nintendo System with controllers and three games, including Mario every kind made since 1985 (which is the one I used to play with my brother when he was little), Donkey Kong and Yoshi? Spelling not sure?

Now before they came, I called my brother that Friday night at 10 pm to ask when they would be leaving the next morning. We had already established they wouldn't leave until then, due to both of their work schedules. He told me they would leave Saturday morning around 6 and try to be in MA by 11. So when Matthew woke up at his usual 6:30 am time, we stayed in bed and stayed cozy until 8 before getting up.

I walked down to the kitchen, calling Phil on the cell phone just to make sure that he was on the road, and maybe now in upstate NY leaving him a message on his machine, since it didn't pick up. I hang up and I don't know what made me look up towards my street level, parked in front of my garage was a car!!! I opened the door looking all beautiful since I had not even showered or done anything except get out of bed, and screamed at him and her!! What are you doing here?????? You aren't supposed to be here for another three hours!!!! Look at me!!!!

As soon as M stepped into my house, with the warmest of hugs and smiles and the look on my brothers face of happiness, I could care less if I looked like I worked in the coal mines all day or was a chimney sweep. Their immediate happiness and my immediate happiness erased every feeling I had about my appearance.

They wound up getting on the road at 1 am because they like to do things like that!!

I used to do things like that, so I can relate. Before Matthew of course.

Anyway, after a brief nap, they gave me M's grandmother's unbelievable home made nut roll and my brother's home made Banana Bread with a nice bottle of wine. I told M that she had me as soon as she walked in, and said she loves to travel.

To see both of there faces, as they watched Matthew open up his gift from them, was something that will always be close to my heart. It is one thing to have someone enjoy opening a gift you got for them, but when it is your son, and his uncle came all that way for him, with M not only providing the present but the get down on your hands and knees and playing with my son, the getting on the floor, grabbing the controls and showing him every level of Mario, every level of Yoshi and every level of Donkey Kong. Matthew will always now hold her close to his heart.

She is queen in his eyes.

Not many girls come to our house and know the in's and outs of Mario!!

It's gifts to my son's heart that touch me. It wasn't the present. Although it is awesome. It was making Matthew feel special and that his home, and having his family here to enjoy it with him, to share in his joy of a game, or a story or memories in a photo album. I don't just like to take the pictures for the album, I like to capture that love that was given and received at that moment for my son.

When they had to leave to say it was sad, was an understatement. But not before promising to return when they have more time, and weather permitting.

The gift of my brother coming up with M, was all I could ever ask for.

Imagine my surprise, when last weekend for my birthday my father told me he would be coming up.

A first cousin of my father's passed away. He was going to attend the viewing at two o'clock and then get on the road. I told him he might hit rush hour traffic in Hartford, CT but he wasn't worried, driving slow taking his time..... When I had heard about our cousin that passed, it immediately gave me a chill due to him only two years older than my father. I told my father before he left, to be careful a few more extra times than before.

I had a gut feeling. That morning, my father forwarded me one of his many wonderful forwarded emails. This time it was Mother Teresa's Novena. I read it and forwarded it along.

At 5:30 I called him and sure enough, he was stopped. Traffic/ Hartford stop and go. He hadn't made it through the tunnel yet. I hung up with him, and he called me right back and told me a girl had just hit him from behind but that he and her were okay. His car had minor damage, with hers having more. They were calling the police. Between the time it took for the police to escort him off the highway, to when the state police showed up to file the report, he started to feel sore. His neck felt whip lashed. The state police escorted him to Hartford Hospital, where he stayed for another four hours before then driving the other hour and a half to my house. He wound up getting fully checked out to be on the safe side, and Thank God was OK.

I wanted to immediately drive to Hartford. I told Eric let's go. You could drop me off so he isn't at the hospital by himself and then I'll drive him to our house, in case he can't drive. My father and Eric insisted I just sit the emergency room visit out from home and be patient. I immediately needed a bottle of wine. I drove to the local supermarket to get one, and on the drive there had my long conversation with God making promises, and saying the Our Father.

As soon as I said it, I thought I have said this one more time today......then it hit me.....

The Mother Teresa Novena my father emailed me.

Sure enough God came through for me again. My father made it here safely and we enjoyed the rest of the weekend, by him taking his Irish/Italian daughter out for Irish lunch and ironically, my gift of a Frank Sinatra Inspired Print that said "Meeting Adjourned", could now be laughed about.

Ironically, I received that same Novena a few days later by another friend. I also received it back from some friends I had forwarded it too.

I know that God hears me.

I know that he hears me when I need him. I know that he knows I would do anything to not put my father or my family and friends in danger, driving up here late at night or not. ....freak accidents... if anything ever happened to those I love coming up here to visit me...I can't even think about it.

I also know that He knows me. He knows whats in my heart. He is here with me everyday. He is the one who sees my internal struggles within my heart for Matthew and for myself. I know that he is beside me and lifts me up to let me lean on him. Today was again another Sunday and this time during the most important month where I am trying to teach Matthew what "Christmas" is all about, that doesn't involve anything retail.

Again I failed, but I am getting closer. I made him listen to a story read online by someone breaking down the story of Mary and Joseph, the Angel Gabrielle, The Shepperd, and the Three Wisemen. Each segment was only four minute each, but was told in a soft and wonderful tone. I just wanted him to hear it from someone other than Mommy.

Well, when we were done, he couldn't wait to get back to Mario. I know I have my struggles, and again I know God knows I am trying.

In my own time, I am praying to get him there and to be apart of all that I know and love about Church and miss so much. I promise by the end of the year, we will do it...and we will start the new year off right. It will be just like giving up the binky for New Years before he turned two! That was it and it happened! Why can't all other struggles be that easy for me?

Italy, Italy, wedding in Italy

No it's not Fantasy Friday. It's not Remember When Wednesday either.

It possibly becoming a reality Wednesday?

You all know (I know I am talking to myself), how much FAMILIA means to me. How my son and my family with my husband as well as my immediate family is what and who makes me..who I am.

I have talked in the past about Italy and how much I would love to get there someday...way out there in the distance.

You all know how much I loved my cousin Jeanne's visit a month or so ago, and how we loved going to Boston's North End to have some Veal Picata, canoli's and cappuccino.

I'll tell you a secret...........

The other night....I got a late, late night email from my cousin Phil who was in Italy and said he saw a woman/girl there that reminded him of me and would I send him a picture. I immediately replied with nine anxious obnoxious emails and my link to my blog so he could have quick viewing of his cousin while in Italy. I was so touched that he was on that soil...and thought of his cousin.

The next day his son, also named Phil joined that group I've been distracted by. We've been catching up and again I'm loving have not only my friends on this site....but FAMILIA too...my kitchen is now warm and full when they are online!! Like I could bake a million lasagnas and possibly some tirimisu and have them all over for coffee at the same time...squeezing into my home the way I felt that Italian love when I was growing up.

Anyway, you all know I think I have mentioned in the past how I had the most wonderful Aunt growing up. No this wasn't my fairy godmother, who is my cousin on my mother's side. This was my father's sister who shares my name...Aunt Swan:-)

She not only gave me Stairway To Heaven album by Zepplin for Christmas one year, she would have me sell her Avon...she would constantly provide the warmth. love and support that a wonderful Italian Aunt does and she was married to the most wonderful loving funny man. Unfortunately in 1982, she passed away...........but her love has always stayed in my heart.

My memories of her are tearing me up now...she was that warm of a person.

Her granddaughter (my second cousin) is now on that group. Guess where she is getting married???

I T A L Y

in June of 2009.

She has the most awesomely planned and creative website dedicated to how her and her fiance met, there wedding plans, the wedding party and the proposal and information that their honeymoon will be in France....and awesome music playing as you enter the site.

Andre' Buccilli and Michael Buble (Both who I love).....................

It was the warmest feeling opening that site and listening to Andre's voice, looking at her happiness and feeling the love that they both share for each other.

I really am hoping with God's help and my mother helping...and even Aunt Swan and Uncle Swan helping..........and all the other saints out there....

That maybe this year for father's day will be one that my father deserves.

Money is the only reason that I'm not saying it is definite..........but maybe with some planning it can happen.

Ciao!!

Thankful Thursday - The internet - My Mom's Birthday November 8th

Alright, this seems like a simple one, but really it is much deeper.

This week has been crazy as usual. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had joined one of those myspace type places where I could be a part of a "friendly" network and share with them.

Through this medium, there are all types of "subgroups" for everything you can imagine, quizzes, trivia, horoscopes and group for anything and everything on your mind.

I've joined a few of them.

One of them happened to be a group, that wound up being another website entirely made up of people wanting to vent and share in regards to whatever ails them...which in my case happened to be my mother's illness.

This group allowed me to set up a page, where again there are places for journals, videos, pictures, communities, friends and profile comments.

The first night I was on Eric's laptop so I couldn't upload any pictures, and only briefly set up my account. Again this is an account where only people who you invite as friends, can view. In this case, the people on the site are all related to or have themselves, the neurological disease my mom suffered from.

I set up a brief profile with a brief explanation on how I have been affected by this illness in my family. I briefly mentioned about my mother suffering for many years and with her passing in 2006. I mentioned how my brothers and I are considered at-risk, and that therefore, my beautiful miracle is at risk. I mentioned how I pray every day for a cure.

Within seconds, I had three replies from Australia, California and Canada. The first woman from Australia is now a caretaker of her husband and they just celebrated 39 years of marriage, and how she prays he will be able to be there for more. She had never heard of this disease before her husband was diagnosed, she has two sons and two grandchildren. She says she prays also for patience and that she tries to not take it out on her husband, but sometimes it was hard.

The woman from California was just married and was diagnosed. The 25 year old woman from Canada has it and is married. Her mom passed, when this woman was 17, she was diagnosed at 19. She is in assisted living with nurses and has the most positive attitude and website, full of poems, and how to deal with life with a positive attitude. She mentions that when her husband and her have children, they will use the genetic testing on the embryo's to ensure that gene is not passed down.

The next morning I had received two more welcomes, from woman both from England who have it. One has two beautiful children under 7, the other does not have children yet.

By yesterday morning, I was shaking in my shoes. I immediately thought what did I do...I'm not just sharing with the world, my horror of this illness, but people who actually have it are emailing me. Part of me, wants to remain in a fetal position about this. Since having Matthew, and since my mom's passing other than on this blog, I have put the disease out of my mind, just trying to enjoy every moment with my son and not face possibly the black whole that might be ahead.

So when someone who has it was emailing me, I shared how wonderful it is that they CAN REACH OUT, they can type, they can email and look for resources, groups, support, friends, family, poems, websites however they need to. That - that in itself is HUGE.

I told them how my father and mother didn't have that luxury. Not only was it too late, by the time my father even got a computer, but the resources in the valley weren't what they are today. Support groups, the closest physical one was in Philadelphia two hours away. There wasn't even cell phones then, to call someone for a ride.

Someone who is being a full time caretaker, doesn't have the strength to drive two hours away, organize a bus to get there, or even organize a local support group. Especially because he was a man, he wasn't into organizing support groups. So instead, there was nothing.

To this day, my father doesn't like to be involved in forums, chatting and such because he is of the old school and doesn't 'LIKE to air his laundry" but that doesn't mean he didn't need the help or just need a hug.

My point is though, for the people of today who do have to suffer with this or any other horrendous disease, there are other options and the mindset of those are growing up with technology and support around them so it is getting easier.

And for my mother's birthday I've decided in her honor, to stay apart of this group to offer the only words and cyber hugs I can. One daughter mentioned how she was her mom's caretaker and how she would go to the nursing home and just rub her arm and sing her an Irish tune. Boy did that hit me. The last day of her life, she smiled at the end. The daughter felt relief as if her mom was then running through daisies. I shared with her how my mother hung on for 3 days due to she finally had her three children in the same room, and she wasn't going to let go, how we all sang to her.

And at the end, how I told my father "Dad, she's free!! She's healthy, she's flying over us, heading out that window going to watch the sunrise with her brother and her parents and have a beer!!! SHE'S HEALTHY!!"

Happy Birthday Mom....................I love you.

Sorting emotions- Summer Fun & Life - Life Past and Present

We have been busy, busy and even busier than I ever thought possible. It's a good busy.

Wish the days of summer would last until mid winter so that most of our year could be filled with such good times.

In the past two weeks, Matthew has been to the Children's Museum in Boston, zoo, a drive-in, a couple beaches with friends, swimming in friends' pools, swimming (but not listening to the instructor) at the YMCA, play dates at our house and friends homes and over the weekend Grandpa came from PA via NJ through NY, CT, RI and then MA with a wonderful loving friend of his (and ours) who has a son who is a chef at a high end restaurant in Boston.

We had the wonderful opportunity to meet him on Sunday and his new nickname with us is Ratatouille. He loved being with his mom and just hanging out with us having steak on the new patio set and playing with Matthew a little. Eric liked having him around because he gave him some cooking tips. Not that he needs them. I need them. I told him he is welcome to come down anytime and we could barter his services of teaching me how to cook and then he could relax and have fun with us on our many adventures! Sounds like a good deal to me.

Matthew was funny when they were here. He was giving everyone a tour of his house, when he stopped in Mommy's room and pointed out my wedding pics. He mentioned that was when my Dad married my Mom and before I was borned. This was the first time he made this announcement. In the past when I tried to tell him why he wasn't in my wedding movie or in those pics, he didn't want any part of it because he felt left out. So I was happy that he was sharing this happy moment and even stating he realized it was before he was born.

The last few weeks I have really been having withdrawal from being with my Dad. For the past 39 years, it has been mainly me (other than my mom before she passed) as the woman in his life. I know that being his daughter is a totally separate entity of being my son's mom, so having that need to be with him is something I don't think I'll ever get over. We have just been there for each other for too long. My father grew up on a farm and to this day can plant anything anywhere and is very good at it. The newspaper in our town in PA a few years ago did a story on his 4-5 foot marigold's and 9 foot tomato plants that he claimed he just emptied out the water that he was boiling the spaghetti with. I have been craving his tomato's. And not just the tomatoes. What good are they if they aren't with him picking them and going in the house and putting some mayo and salt on some bread and making us both a sandwich so we can sit out on his porch and eat them? It's his company more than the tomatoes. He is an Italian father and his Italian/Irish daughter wants to have a sandwich with him and be in his company. I know more than anything how those years might not last forever and so making the most out of a tomato sandwich is one of the most beautiful things in life with him.

I have also been under mixed emotions the past week because today would have been my parents 42nd wedding anniversary. There were just too many years for me to ignore this date and not feel it in my heart. I let my father know that I was thinking of him in this regard today and he let me know he thanks me from Mom and him. I don't know of this date, the dates of her birthday and anniversary of her passing will get any easier as the years go on.

I just wanted to sort out though that separate from my parents anniversary, I am also blessed that he has found someone that is enjoying tripe with him, enjoying tomato sandwiches and enjoying life with him. I wish for all those that I love to know that take a bite of everything you eat and really taste it, look out your window and really see, open up your curtains and let the light and love shine in, and experience every adventure and absolute beauty that the world throws at you with open arms and open eyes and open mind. Don't close them because you might be really missing out on life.