Happy New Years Everyone

Just wanted to wish my family and friends a HEALTHY, HAPPY, PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR with lots of love and family to be in your life.

That's my only wish for this new year.

That of course includes myself, Papa Swan and Matthew:-)

My resolution for 2009 is:

to stop feeling weighed down by finances, friends and family far away and to start taking control of my own life right here. I know I am blessed with Matthew, but I really need to put into action my taking my "own" happiness into gear. Not only will I find a job again to help us out, but will also make sure Matthew has a well balanced life with his self esteem in tact as well as his sense of "family" on both sides of his family that are part of "who he is".

My resolution is to begin tackling every day right here. As I have been, but with a different mindset. More of a mission, than feeling like a victim of my own decision to move here many years ago. It was my decision. I'm tired of playing the same old tapes over in my head and my heart.

No one will ever hear me say again (uh oh..should I really type this)...no one will ever hear me say again.....that it is hard...poor me.

You all know my heart, but for Matthew's sake as well as my own sake, I need to focus on what is here.

I've always been the one to put everyone in my life first, and due to that I've not taken courses, stayed at jobs, gave up social engagements due to someone else's views or opinions or lack of desire from other parties involved, kept in contact with certain friends, to more recently wearing the same old sweats year after year and basically just become someone who has lost herself.

No one can help me, but me. No one can help enforce my life, but me. I'm not blaming anyone but me.

Therefore, as my resolution for my life's sake, for my miracle's sake:

I resolve to find "me" again, to reach out again, to learn how to listen to other's again, to be a friend again in order to gain a friend, to learn how to use the phone again (still blog though). I resolve to work on me and not feel sorry for myself anymore.

Starting tomorrow!

Tonight I will drink White Zin and have one more pity party!!

Cheers!

Love you all!

Thankful Thursday - One Week left before Christmas

This year, due to finances we have had to cut back like everyone else. It stinks. I normally do a calender of pictures of Matthew for all grandparents and us, but this year we will be back to using the old ones they send us in the mail from the oil company.

Unless the after Christmas deals, make it extremely worth my effort:-) Hmmmmm...brain now working....

This year, we will forgo our present to one another again, for Matthew's sake so he can have what he deserves..and to pay the mortgage.

This year, again we will be happy and thankful for the blessings we have year round, the memories we make all year to fulfill our Christmas wish. That is really the most important thing.

I really believe that it is not the size of the present that is opened, but the love behind the gift.

For Matthew's sake, for him to understand giving and receiving from the heart, I just ask Papa Swan to make sure he is involved with letting Matthew make me a gift from his heart, and to be there when Papa Swan "gets me something small" to show Matthew that it is coming from him, and to be excited about giving to his "wife". Just as he needs to be apart of my giving to Papa Swan. He needs to witness this type of love on both sides, in order to feel whole and complete, and go out there in the world someday and have the generosity within his heart.

I believe that the memories and pictures that I take year round, witnessing the love from Daddy to son, from Matthew with anyone on both sides of our family enjoying life...are my continued love.

The gift that I give of capturing these moments is what gets me through each season, each winter, each day.

I really wake up each day and end the day thanking God for my miracle.

Again, I wouldn't have that miracle without Papa Swan. We wouldn't have our home.

So all I really am asking Santa for is that reciprocated love all year round, that Matthew can grow into the most high esteemed man someday by knowing all the gifts that he can give and receive in life.....without even spending a penny.

Well most of the time:-)

My point is, with one week left before the big day, I just want to make sure that Matthew turns into the most well rounded man someday. With love and faith, and a kind and generous heart and full of the most wonderful esteem. The kind where he is not only smart and can conquer the world and anything he puts his mind to, but the kind where he is a "whole" man and is never afraid to keep showing his loving side, that one doesn't have to be compromised without the other and that they go hand in hand in life.

And to know that each day, is really a gift and to explode with life everyday.

Merry Christmas Matthew and Papa Swan! I love you!

Wishing I Could Peek through his window

Last night, I found on Matthew's school website some pictures of his class going to a recent field trip.

There was also some pictures of them blowing bubbles. My little guy looked so sad. It broke my heart.

This morning, I told him that I saw some pictures of him blowing bubbles. Before I could say a word, he spoke up and said "I spilled them on my coat." I told him that was okay, and that coat's are washable.

I asked him then if he was given any more bubbles while the rest of the kids were having fun, and he told me he was allowed to make one with soap and a contraption...but explaining it with the hugest smile on his face.

My heart is now better.

It was nice to see that when I wasn't there, someone else took care of my son's wishes to make him happy. I only get bits and pieces and then pictures where I didn't see the "whole picture".

Before putting him on the bus for the past week, I've been placing tissues in his pants pockets for him to use for his cold. Today he told me that the teacher doesn't like it when there are tissues in the pockets!! I said "What?" (thinking she would rather the alternative of no tissues) I know that I have to take some of what he says with a grain of salt, considering his love for stories and his awesome creative imagination...but when he tells me things in a serious tone....it's hard.

When I put him on the bus in the morning, my heart does two things....beats faster that I already miss him and ache for him not being with me, and then my mind steps in and says "You got two and half hours to blog."

This is my window to him. This is so you could peek in at him.

But you break his heart and you'll have to mess with me.

I just want to know that every day his wishes and prayers are answered and that he will have a long, happy and healthy life with normal self esteem. I don't know if I can give him all of that, but I know with prayers and patience and hopefully some guidance and family support along the way, we'll get there.