For Thanksgiving 2002, I made a sheet of brownies to bring to your Uncle's house. As usual, I wound up coming home with half of the sheet not eaten. I ate them all that night. A half a sheet of Brownies in one night! That was the first time I had chocolate with you in my belly and not the last. I had set off something inside me that made me want a cookie or a piece of cake or pie every day.
Every morning before going to work I would have orange juice and Total Raisin Bran for the folic acid in addition to my prenatal vitamin. Around 10:00 am I would have a snack at work of a muffin and would be drinking 8 or sometimes more glasses of water everyday. I learned the hard way that if I drank after 5pm anymore water, I would be in the bathroom all night. That with my legs always being restless made getting a full night sleep impossible.
Sometimes at 10:00 am another girl who was also pregnant at work and I would order a breakfast from this place near work. Then we would order lunch for noon. Then we would have a snack at 2 or 3 that would usually be some kind of desert. I never thought about food in my whole life. Because I had always been skinny and never had to watch what I ate and never had anyone teach me proper nutrition, I made some wrong choices while I was pregnant.
Choices that I thought were good. I would bring in a can of Progresso Vegetable Soup thinking I was giving you vegetables and then in December was told later on by a recommended nutritionist through my doctor, that the sodium level in cans of soup was dangerous. Then I became so nervous of everything I ate, I was so worried about you. I had bought a monitor to listen to you in my belly. It always had this swooshing sound and I could never decipher any differences in the noises but on some days when you wouldn’t kick I would be so worried that something happened.
By the end of December, my doctor was becoming concerned about my weight and fluid buildup in my legs, they were always so swollen and uncomfortable, but they said they would just have to keep monitoring me every two weeks. One attribute to being pregnant with you was that I think you were getting as uncomfortable as I was, you would kick up a storm all of the time, I loved that feeling and listening to your heartbeat.
In January they had me take a non-stress test. They hooked all of these monitors to my belly and had me lie still for an hour. They left the room and I just listened to your heartbeat and watched that monitor and was nervous every time the line would go up or down not knowing what that meant. Finally they came back and said you were fine and to just keep watching what I was eating to keep my blood pressure down. By this time I had already cut down my hours at work to only 5 hours a day and would come home and just try and sleep. My legs were so uncomfortable and I always had to get up to go to the bathroom. I was getting so big and irritable that I took our bedroom door off of the hinges to make my trip to the bathroom a shorter one. We have a king size bed in a small room and just making it around the corner and to open the door, have it bang into the bed and then squeeze my now becoming fat body through it was more than I could bear. So once it was off, my trips were easier.
On February 2, 2003 your Godmother and Auntie K threw us a baby shower. It was beautiful and they had a beautiful cake with a blue rocking horse and teddy bears on it. I got so many wonderful and much needed gifts and thank God just in time (although little did we know). We thought we had until April 5, 2003. That was your due date. Your father hadn’t finished your nursery although he made an amazing and unbelievable attempt at it. He took the room apart down to the outside walls, put up insulation, new walls, sanded the hardwood floor, painted the floors and ceiling and then put in a light, a French door and new windows. But in February he was still at only putting in the insulation.
My 32nd week doctor visit was on Wednesday February 5Th at 1:00 p.m. Your father had gone to all of my appointments with me and was very concerned about my ankles and how swollen they were. He was very busy at work at that time and was considering skipping this one but at the last minute he decided to just meet me there. I would drive my own car instead of him coming home first to get me. I didn’t mind because I needed to go to a new store across from the doctor’s office after my appointment to buy everything I read in my book for my suitcase to pack for the day we would go to the hospital (nightgown, underwear, robe etc and your coming home outfit). I quickly had lunch before heading out the door.
When your father and I were called into the office, they were always so wonderful and friendly and never made you feel like there were any problems. So this time when the nurse had a look of concern about my ankles and then she took my blood pressure (which I think was 188 over something), it didn’t look like anymore concern than the previous visit and I weighed 211 lbs (I was 145 when I got pregnant). Until she said, “we are going to call the Hospital and have them all waiting for you. Your husband will drive you there. We don’t want you to drive. The emergency room will take you up to the maternity floor where they will do a non-stress test. They don’t have a NICU (which at the time I had no idea what that meant and later found out it meant a neonatal intensive care unit), so you will have to decided then if there is a problem you will need to chose a hospital that has a NICU and they will take you there by ambulance. We will forward that hospital with all documents they will need on your care.”
At that time, I thought there concern over me driving my car just 10 minutes up the road was overreacting. I mean I just drove there fine and I felt the same I had felt for the last month. That along with there sincerity and calmness made me not even consider that anything would be wrong. They just needed to tell me what to eat correctly and I would be fine with bed rest for two more months.
When we arrived at the Hospital, the emergency room had been faxed my information and quickly put me on a gurney and brought me up to the maternity floor. They hooked me up to the same monitors as before and this time continued monitoring my blood pressure. I was only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom just a few inches from the bed. After being there for several hours it was getting to be around 8 at night, I asked for some dinner but they told me I couldn’t sit up to eat and would have to wait. They also said that if I was to have the baby my belly needed to be empty. Finally, after complaining a lot the nurse gave me sprite in a small Dixie cup and some crackers but I wasn’t allowed to sit up at all.
We were told shortly after that we would need to choose a hospital then that would have a NICU and that I would be transported there by ambulance. That’s when it all finally hit me that this was serious, this wasn’t something I could go home and fix by myself, that they wanted me to have you now. Your cousin was born 4 months early at 1 lb and I knew that he was fine and had weathered the storm in his early life, so I felt that you had a 2 month advantage on him, that if we chose Brigham & Women’s in Boston that we lived near one of the best hospitals in the country for prenatal care, we were off to a right start.
The ambulance showed up at midnight and took me up the mass pike with the lights on, lying down in the back in a gurney with the most wonderful nurse Carrie who came for the ride with me to hold my hand. The nurses and EMT’s and doctors from the moment we first walked into the Dr's office to the Hospital to Brigham & Women’s until we took you home from the NICU, provided nothing but continuous support with caring and attentive unbelievable bedside manner.
When we got to Brigham & Womens we were checked into a floor where they would monitor me. It was on the labor and delivery floor. They monitored me and said I would be on a water diet only with just what was given to me intravenously for food until I went into labor. They monitored my blood pressure and gave me medicine for it, monitored my asthma and constantly gave me an inhaler. I was becoming very uncomfortable and so hungry. I couldn’t sleep because my legs were so swollen and even with them raised was not helping. I could hear women screaming from down the hall from delivering and was becoming so afraid of what was going to happen.
I hadn’t read this far ahead in my book of what to expect when you’re expecting….I didn’t even think to read ahead to the labor and delivery section yet. I was going out to buy my essentials for my suitcase and didn’t even own a nightgown to put on other that the hospital johnnies. Luckily your Godmother later provided me with a robe.
The doctors that monitored me were all interns. They told me that if I didn’t show signs of effacing by Friday I would have to chose a cesarean section so that the baby would not be harmed and my health would not be affected much longer. We called Grandpa in PA and told him it looked like we would be having a c-section on Friday evening. He wanted to come up but there was a blizzard being called for on Friday morning. When I realized the blizzard was on its way, I called his house where Uncle P answered the phone. I had just said the words “Can I talk to Daddy?” when a nurse came in the room and said “Would you like to see your father?” I felt like I was lost in a state of confusion. What do you mean? I’m on the phone with my brother now just asking for him, what do you mean do I want to see him? Then he walked through the door holding roses for me.
Your grandfather was speeding the night before to try and beat the snowstorm. He arrived in the middle of the night and couldn’t get into our vacant house and because he wanted to surprise me, he paid almost $100 for a hotel and then parking in the garage at the hospital.
That night they gave me something to make me “out of it”, but still awake and then at 6:55 pm you were born. Your father was right next to me the whole time watching it all in amazement that I had no clue what was going on. They pulled you out of my belly and through glassy eyes I saw you screaming for not even a whole one second before you were out of my sight. You were just pulled over my head so quick. They had to monitor you very quickly and take care of you. Thank God your Dad had the camera and took the picture of that moment and a million moments after that.
Around 10:00 pm, I awoke in horrific pain because the morphine had worn off and full of anxiety like I just wanted to pull every monitor out of me. It was a very bad panic attack and I was alone in the room. I called your father on the cell phone and he was in a local bar telling the whole bar that you have entered the world at 4 lbs 5 oz 15” long!
He came back and by the time he returned the nurse had given me more morphine to ease the pain and anxiety. From that moment on, he called up to the NICU to check on you and go to visit with you because I still couldn’t move. They asked us what we chose for a middle name for you. We hadn’t yet, but your father’s bond with you was immediate and there was no better name then to take his, not to mention you being his identical twin, it was even more fitting. They moved up to the maternity floor the next day and finally gave me real food to eat after 4 days of no food. Later in that day, again the pain was excruciating. Your Uncle J from PA had driven up somehow missing the brunt of the blizzard. I couldn’t even talk to him because I was in so much pain. Grandpa and Uncle J stayed at our house that night and sang karaoke on my machine.
Finally after 19 hours, my blood pressure was finally ok enough to go see my baby. When we first showed up there I was so scared and excited. All of these little tiny babies hooked up to machines, tubes down there noses, big binkies that were bigger than their faces with blankets over there incubators and little stuffed animals inside. I didn’t even have a stuffed animal to give to you, later on I put your Winnie the Pooh pillow in there and Uncle J had bought you a teddy bear, your Godmother bought you a teddy bear, Daddy bought you a teddy bear and Auntie K brought you a medallion of the Blessed Mother that we pinned to your Winnie the Pooh pillow.
When I finally saw you….oh…wow….you took my breath away.
You just kind of peeked out at me, your eyes were like little slits through the incubator and you were all red, with a tiny diaper on you and little monitors on your belly and a tube in your nose. When you opened your eyes you were the spitting image of your Daddy, when he was a baby and now at 41 years old! He joked and told people “Hey it took me 41 years to be that bald and look like that!” When I held you, you were so fragile and so wonderful and so mine. The nurses showed me how to put you kangaroo style which was on my chest between my breasts, against my skin. You fit there like a glove and would just look at me or daddy like hi there, I’m here! Surprise! I didn’t want to wait anymore! And you guys are the ones that have loved me for so long, well now you don’t have to wait anymore, just long enough to get me out of this NICU. And that was when our first family picture was taken.
I would hold you and sing to you “I’ve got a crush on you” by Linda Rondstadt/Frank Sinatra. Partly because it was one of your Daddy’s favorite songs I used to sing, but also because for some strange reason between that and “You are my sunshine” my brain was mush from what I had just went through and I couldn’t remember any other words to any songs but “Crazy” by Patsy Cline. I had gotten so sick of that song over the years and one day in the NICU I decided to see if you liked it and you made a funny face at me like “Oh mom, not that song”. Your father witnessed it, he can tell you!
After the first time I saw you, they took me back to my room and taught me how to pump to give you milk. I hadn’t strictly planned on breastfeeding but when I saw you I felt so helpless like all of these months I took care of you or at least tried my best, and now what can I do? So I pumped and I did try to actually breastfeed you but we never had a chance because of not having the right opportunity to bond, without distractions for me and when I got you home the following month and we didn’t work, I just pumped for two more weeks. So I pumped a total of 6 weeks to give you the best start I could, but then life for me at home just got to crazy to handle with your Dad at work and no one locally to help me out so I decided it would be better to give you formula. The first day was so hard but then you didn’t seem to mind, you loved your baba no matter how you got it.
Well, now millions of bottles, diapers and songs later you are now 17 months old…and I love every minute of it, even though the stress has taken its toll on me, you are the best gift God could have ever given to me and we love you so much. Your father is coming home now after taking you out for Pizza and so I better get myself up from the computer to have lunch before you get home. I will continue this journey later when I get a chance. I am hoping to do this every day now. I love you.
You were in the NICU for 32 days because you were born early and they had to monitor your heart and make sure you were safe enough to breathe, swallow and suck before sending you home. They would tell us if you had a continuous 48 hours of what they called “no spells”, then you could home. In the meantime, Daddy and I would go in to see you every day. I would go in all day and Daddy would come after work. I would go home and pump overnight and then bring your milk in the morning, then sit and hold you all day or as much as they would let me. I felt so guilty not being able to take care of you or be there for you overnight, so when I was holding you I didn’t want to let you go. Some of the nurses would comment to me, you don’t want to do that because when you get home with him, he will expect this. I didn’t listen and now 17 months later, you are still in our bed, I lie down with you still for each nap until you are asleep and then sneak out of the room.
First I want to say that I thank God for all of those nurses because I had only read up to the 7th month of pregnancy in my book, I never got to read how to take care of you when you got home. I really underestimated all that it entailed. When you left the NICU on March 9, 2003, we bundled you up and drove you home while you slept through the whole journey. When we got home I was prepared with 8-12 4 to 6 oz bottles a day to feed you. I would hold you while I fed you and then sometimes put you right back in your little co-sleeper I had bought that pulled up along side of me in bed. This way I could just reach over to you in the middle of the night and fix your binky or your blanket that you were swaddled in or change your diaper. One night after I fed you I remember you crying so hard, I was so tired and I just picked you up from one shoulder put you on another shoulder went to look in the mirror at you and you were out. This was working perfectly until about 4 months old when you got colicky. Then the only time we could get you to sleep was rocking you, walking around the house, sometimes for over an hour. Sometimes when Daddy would hold you across his chest this way, you would fall asleep instantly with him. You got over this around 5 or 5 and ½ months. I would sing every song I knew and eventually the only song that would calm you was Patsy Clines “If you got leaving on your mind”. I would sing it loud and I think you were calmed by the tone of my voice singing the beautiful ballad. In between sleeping and pooping and eating, you would sit in your car seat on the kitchen table while I played Sesame Street music, or I would put you in your bouncy seat in your playpen and you would just smile at the sunbeams or your toys. At night, I would just watch you sleep sometimes. I would be able to sleep for an hour but you ate every four hours all night long around the clock so continuous sleep was out of the question. And your binky kept falling out of your mouth so a lot of times I would fall asleep while holding it in your mouth with my arm in your bed.
Our pediatrician had told me that because you were premature I couldn’t bring you to public places until June. No supermarket, no mall, not to visit Grandma P in the nursing home, no playground or public place where a little child could run up to you and get their germs on you. My whole life I had been dreaming of being that lady in the supermarket or the mall and wanted so bad to show you off but you were still fragile. We had no spring that year and it was raining every day until June when I could finally take you out, but then it was 100 degrees out the whole month of June.
You didn’t like riding in your back facing car seat because you would fall asleep but then every stop, and I mean every stop sign, light or traffic would wake you up and you would scream. I was a nervous wreck with my new beautiful baby and it was hard not being able to just see you. I wouldn’t drive you down to PA by myself because I was so worried about you and how long the normally 4.5 hour trip could take. We did it once in 9 hours with Daddy for Mother’s Day so I could show you off. When we finally turned your car seat around I was so happy, but that wasn’t until you were a year old.
It wasn’t until you were 7 months that I got a stroller that was easy to maneuver you up our steep driveway. Your Grandma K came down for a weekend and we went to Babies R Us and bought it. Your Uncle J had bought me a wonderful Grand Cherokee Jeep stroller that I had registered for but it was more for a toddler not an infant and so hard to maneuver and too big to just grab when you needed somewhere quick to go. Now I use that Jeep stroller all of the time because you are heavy enough that the weight of you makes the use of the stroller a lot easier not to mention it has cup holders for mama’s coffee and your sippy cup and a lot of storage underneath.
For the fourth of July 2003 we went to the beach to show you the ocean for the first time. We took that red stroller and four wheeled it over the dunes and across the sand to the beach. Unfortunately though we weren’t able to stay long because a bad storm was coming and they closed the beach early.
We took you to PA in August 2003 for my family reunion and again I got a chance to show off my chunky little bundle of joy. You were such a porker and really made up for being premature. Everyone, including the pediatrician still says you would never know you were a preemie because of how healthy and how immediate you caught up to where you should be. I never have watched your milestones by your adjusted age (the due date of 4/5/03), I have always watched them by your actual birth date and everything is always right on schedule.
Well, except for rolling and playing on your belly, you wanted no part of being on your tummy to play. You are a holiday baby. I waited until Christmas Eve 2003 for you to finally start crawling. On Thanksgiving 2003 was the first day you said mama. The week of Easter 2004 you started walking.
All of these moments in your life, we captured in pictures. We had 3000 digital pictures stored in your file on our computer before your first birthday. That sounds like an exaggeration but it’s the honest truth. I have only taken 1 percent of the pictures and made real pictures out of them for an album for you because your Daddy would go broke. His camera takes 252 pictures per card and we would just snap, snap, snap and still do constantly. For the first year of your life, I would send an email out to everyone I knew and send your monthly pictures.
I know you are my son, but regardless and everyone agrees with me “You were and are the most beautiful baby I ever laid eyes on”. Every face you make, pose you make is priceless. Even when you sleep you still capture my heart when I look at you and I sigh every time knowing you are mine. Like a sigh of relief. Whew! He is still here! Thank you God! For months in your co-sleeper or eventually bassinette and crib next to me I would look at you at night and say “Thank you God for another day with our miracle”.
OK.. now I have taken a 6 month hiatus on your journal…not intentionally. Since my last entry in July 2004, we went to PA to visit Grandma and Grandpa P before we started on the addition. Unfortunately though, you got sick. So sick that Mommy had to have you admitted to a hospital for bronchilitis. You were in the hospital three days and then when we came home, 3 days later we had to pack all of our stuff and go back down to PA for two more weeks because we would be moving into an apartment while the addition was being started on our house. We would live with Grandpa until the apartment was available mid August 2004. Then I didn’t have a computer to journal in until December and that was Christmas time! So here it is January 8, 2005….and lets see if I can make up for lost time.
January 8, 2005 (today is Your Great Grandmother G’s birthday and Elvis Presley’s):
I was hoping you would be sleeping in your car toddler bed this week. I moved into our room, but right now you just enjoy washing it! You little boy! It came as instinct or from the few times you saw Daddy wash the truck! Hehe
We still are in awe of every new day with you and every new amazing thing you say, do or discover. You repeat back a lot of words to us…you say some sentences like I NEED MY BABA (at midnight) or I SEE A FRENCH FRY (in your basket of play food) or WHAT DO YOU MEAN? (if you hear mommy say it to Daddy on the phone) You love playing with us right now. Role playing or cooking in your kitchen Santa brought you, when Mommy is making you lunch. You love to play with your little baby and swaddle him in your blankie. You love Buzz Lightyear and Woody from Toy Story, Jay Jay the Jet Plane and building with Daddy on your Little Tikes construction set Uncle J got you for Christmas. You still love peekaboo and scaring us and you have the most beautiful belly laugh when you giggle. You do that same laugh at night when Daddy is kissing you on the neck and tickling your cheek with his face. You love having Mommy cuddle with you at night and you say Bye Bye or Night Night to Daddy when he kisses the room and leaves us to go to sleep at night.
You are starting to realize there is a world out there other than Mommy and you might just like it. It is fun and exciting and an adventure all it’s own. Yesterday Mommy left you for the first time with a babysitter who had a 20 month old son and a 3 year old son. You had a blast and only asked for me once. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, packing you a photo album the night before in case you needed to see me or Daddy to be comforted but you had so much fun doing things we never did together, like Play Doh and Crayons or a trampoline! I wasn’t sad that you didn’t miss me, just so happy that you got to play with your friends instead of boring Mommy all of the time.
Earlier tonight we had on a classic rock video channel to have you dance for us and The Doors were singing “Hello, I love you.” And you were going, “HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO”. It was your first time really singing with a song that you never even heard before. We loved it.
Yesterday we had our first playdate here and you had so much fun and hated to see your little friends go. Mommy is busy these days trying to establish a babysitting network for the MOMS club I belong too as well as daily or tri-weekly playdates for you. Tomorrow a mom is coming with her little girl. Next week we are going to play with a little boy. We are busy, busy, busy. I am really tired, but keeping up the strength because of how much I love you and your Daddy sent me a nice email today telling me he thinks I’m a wonderful mom! YEAH! That was enough of a push of support to get me through at least another 6 months. We are enjoying you so much right now.
Due to our move back into our house and the stress of that and just life in general, I didn't keep up my journal until this past January when I discovered I could start a blog... Now were moving forward!! LOL
