Remember When Wednesday - After You Do Your Things, Thank You God For My Miracle

Today I was going to go back and reflect on past memories for my Wednesday theme, but realized there have been some funny moments by my little guy lately that Mama Swan has been slacking on sharing about.

We have this routine at night before bed. Due to Matthew still sleeping with us (I know horrible mom that I am), still co-sleeping, anyway we have this routine.

Matthew will get dressed for bed, brush his teeth and then we or I will read him a story. Whenever it is time for Papa Swam do depart, whether after the story or before if he is busy, Matthew has for the past two years said "Daddy, After You Do Your Things, You Sleep With Me?"

Of which Daddy says "Yes and I love you" and kisses him and leaves the room.

Every night since his birth, I have said out loud to Him "Thank You God For My Miracle." Over the past year, Matthew has replied "Thank You God For My Miracle" and tells me he loves me and kisses me goodnight.

About a month ago, I had a girls night out with my friend Twins Mom. Matthew was on the couch, and yelled to me as I was heading out the door "After You Do Your Things You Sleep With Me?" Of which I dropped to the floor kissing and hugging him for his sweetness, and then he said "Thank You God For My Miracle, I love you Mommy."

Talk about dropping me to my knees. Yeah, I'm in love.

Catching Up with Uncle P and Grandpa P

I really wish and pray that not only could I stick to blogging once a day, that I could stick to the promises and wishes that I make for myself everyday.

The last few weeks were busy trying to get ready for Thanksgiving, then my brothers visit with his beautiful and sweet family oriented new girlfriend M.

About a month ago, I mentioned to Phil (oh no I said it!) I'm tired of calling him P and he doesn't mind.

Anyway, we mentioned Matthew asked Santa Claus for Nintendo Mario paraphernalia and I asked him if he had any old stuff lying around, since he has played games since the original Nintendo. He said he didn't. He later called me to mention, that his girlfriend M had one in her trunk, that she wanted to "give" Matthew for Christmas. Now, how absolutely wonderful is she!!! Not only does she love to travel, she gets my brother up here to visit and bring my son his gift for a Super Nintendo System with controllers and three games, including Mario every kind made since 1985 (which is the one I used to play with my brother when he was little), Donkey Kong and Yoshi? Spelling not sure?

Now before they came, I called my brother that Friday night at 10 pm to ask when they would be leaving the next morning. We had already established they wouldn't leave until then, due to both of their work schedules. He told me they would leave Saturday morning around 6 and try to be in MA by 11. So when Matthew woke up at his usual 6:30 am time, we stayed in bed and stayed cozy until 8 before getting up.

I walked down to the kitchen, calling Phil on the cell phone just to make sure that he was on the road, and maybe now in upstate NY leaving him a message on his machine, since it didn't pick up. I hang up and I don't know what made me look up towards my street level, parked in front of my garage was a car!!! I opened the door looking all beautiful since I had not even showered or done anything except get out of bed, and screamed at him and her!! What are you doing here?????? You aren't supposed to be here for another three hours!!!! Look at me!!!!

As soon as M stepped into my house, with the warmest of hugs and smiles and the look on my brothers face of happiness, I could care less if I looked like I worked in the coal mines all day or was a chimney sweep. Their immediate happiness and my immediate happiness erased every feeling I had about my appearance.

They wound up getting on the road at 1 am because they like to do things like that!!

I used to do things like that, so I can relate. Before Matthew of course.

Anyway, after a brief nap, they gave me M's grandmother's unbelievable home made nut roll and my brother's home made Banana Bread with a nice bottle of wine. I told M that she had me as soon as she walked in, and said she loves to travel.

To see both of there faces, as they watched Matthew open up his gift from them, was something that will always be close to my heart. It is one thing to have someone enjoy opening a gift you got for them, but when it is your son, and his uncle came all that way for him, with M not only providing the present but the get down on your hands and knees and playing with my son, the getting on the floor, grabbing the controls and showing him every level of Mario, every level of Yoshi and every level of Donkey Kong. Matthew will always now hold her close to his heart.

She is queen in his eyes.

Not many girls come to our house and know the in's and outs of Mario!!

It's gifts to my son's heart that touch me. It wasn't the present. Although it is awesome. It was making Matthew feel special and that his home, and having his family here to enjoy it with him, to share in his joy of a game, or a story or memories in a photo album. I don't just like to take the pictures for the album, I like to capture that love that was given and received at that moment for my son.

When they had to leave to say it was sad, was an understatement. But not before promising to return when they have more time, and weather permitting.

The gift of my brother coming up with M, was all I could ever ask for.

Imagine my surprise, when last weekend for my birthday my father told me he would be coming up.

A first cousin of my father's passed away. He was going to attend the viewing at two o'clock and then get on the road. I told him he might hit rush hour traffic in Hartford, CT but he wasn't worried, driving slow taking his time..... When I had heard about our cousin that passed, it immediately gave me a chill due to him only two years older than my father. I told my father before he left, to be careful a few more extra times than before.

I had a gut feeling. That morning, my father forwarded me one of his many wonderful forwarded emails. This time it was Mother Teresa's Novena. I read it and forwarded it along.

At 5:30 I called him and sure enough, he was stopped. Traffic/ Hartford stop and go. He hadn't made it through the tunnel yet. I hung up with him, and he called me right back and told me a girl had just hit him from behind but that he and her were okay. His car had minor damage, with hers having more. They were calling the police. Between the time it took for the police to escort him off the highway, to when the state police showed up to file the report, he started to feel sore. His neck felt whip lashed. The state police escorted him to Hartford Hospital, where he stayed for another four hours before then driving the other hour and a half to my house. He wound up getting fully checked out to be on the safe side, and Thank God was OK.

I wanted to immediately drive to Hartford. I told Eric let's go. You could drop me off so he isn't at the hospital by himself and then I'll drive him to our house, in case he can't drive. My father and Eric insisted I just sit the emergency room visit out from home and be patient. I immediately needed a bottle of wine. I drove to the local supermarket to get one, and on the drive there had my long conversation with God making promises, and saying the Our Father.

As soon as I said it, I thought I have said this one more time today......then it hit me.....

The Mother Teresa Novena my father emailed me.

Sure enough God came through for me again. My father made it here safely and we enjoyed the rest of the weekend, by him taking his Irish/Italian daughter out for Irish lunch and ironically, my gift of a Frank Sinatra Inspired Print that said "Meeting Adjourned", could now be laughed about.

Ironically, I received that same Novena a few days later by another friend. I also received it back from some friends I had forwarded it too.

I know that God hears me.

I know that he hears me when I need him. I know that he knows I would do anything to not put my father or my family and friends in danger, driving up here late at night or not. ....freak accidents... if anything ever happened to those I love coming up here to visit me...I can't even think about it.

I also know that He knows me. He knows whats in my heart. He is here with me everyday. He is the one who sees my internal struggles within my heart for Matthew and for myself. I know that he is beside me and lifts me up to let me lean on him. Today was again another Sunday and this time during the most important month where I am trying to teach Matthew what "Christmas" is all about, that doesn't involve anything retail.

Again I failed, but I am getting closer. I made him listen to a story read online by someone breaking down the story of Mary and Joseph, the Angel Gabrielle, The Shepperd, and the Three Wisemen. Each segment was only four minute each, but was told in a soft and wonderful tone. I just wanted him to hear it from someone other than Mommy.

Well, when we were done, he couldn't wait to get back to Mario. I know I have my struggles, and again I know God knows I am trying.

In my own time, I am praying to get him there and to be apart of all that I know and love about Church and miss so much. I promise by the end of the year, we will do it...and we will start the new year off right. It will be just like giving up the binky for New Years before he turned two! That was it and it happened! Why can't all other struggles be that easy for me?

St. Therese of the child Jesus, St. Gerard Majella, Leo Buscaglia and Mama Swan's Fairy Godmother

In preparing myself for getting back to church, today I've been joining catholic women blogrolls, and now seeing another part of cyberspace that I really hadn't seen before.

Even before I go back to church on Sunday, I am now blessed to know that the whole world is right at my computer and is already starting to "envelop" me. It's beautiful to see all of the blessings out there and other women who feel as blessed as me and want to share that with the world, not just in their children but also in their dreams and pondering of everyday life.

Yesterday was the Feast day of St. Therese of the child Jesus. Ironically it is also the birthday to my fairy godmother named after her. We call her that since Matthew has been born, with my love for Cinderella. Matthew is still waiting for her to take out her wand and put mommy in a gown.

When I was a little girl, during my mother's healthier years before I was ten; my mother would read me facts on Saints, or prayers from the bible. One of my mom's favorite saints was St. Gerard Majella, who was known as the saint for Motherhood. She also loved Bishop Fulton Sheen and Leo Buscaglia, speaking of Love.

When Eric and I were suffering infertility, after failed years and failed IUI treatments, I took a breathing and relaxation course at Beth Israel Hospital in Brookline, MA. I met a woman in this class who was there for the same reasons as we were. She ironically without knowing of my mother's interests handed me a prayer book of St. Gerard Majella. I have kept it close to my heart since.

I really should look up that girl, and see if her prayers were answered the way mine were. It was just so hard though, going through infertility for those going through it, and then being the friend on the outside. When you can't conceive and you hear your friend tell you, it worked for them, it is like a knife that cuts into you and is such a hopeless feeling.

My prayer is that she was blessed and God willing if she is meant to be in my life someday, she will be.

Here is an excerpt from another website called Praying4ABaby.com

Take care.

Manic Monday - Crazy he calls me .........

"Crazy he calls me, sure I'm crazy....crazy in love am I." Linda Ronstadt version with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra from her 1983 album "What's New?"

Well, this morning was a typical "Monday morning". Crazy ...la la la

Matthew has this temper these days when he isn't getting his way, and we are trying to let him know that we are his parents and that he has to listen to us.

Typical five year old boy independence, and MEGA macho testosterone (yet still wants mommy to cuddle) . I know how to do it!!! Yet I need your help, but I don't want your help!! He gets so frustrated when he can't do something on the first try. I try and tell him - take a deep breath.

Yesterday we read, appropriately so, The Grumpy Morning and The Way I Feel, and I reiterated to him, that even Mommy sometimes gets frustrated and needs to move from the situation, go for a walk (or long drive in my case), and usually once I've had a moment to calm down, I can then conquer the world.

It doesn't help that all of our frustration levels right now are at an all time high, that we had just spent three rainy days pretty much cooped up in the house with no sunshine. Today when he gets home it will get better. He is still adjusting to this new long week for him in Kindergarten.

His teacher wants us to work on taking off and putting on his coat with the sleeves the right way (so when they put them on - it's easier and more efficient to have them just slip them on), but again he will not have any part of doing it. He wants to but once his arm gets stuck reaching for the sleeve, he gets fed up. He has no problem putting the coat on and even zipped it up (which I have problems with), but by the time we get to try taking off the sleeves the right way - he's had it.

I tell him don't get upset over little things. That to him right now, they seem like they are big things, but they are not.

That he can do anything if he puts his mind to it, and just tries to take a deep breath and stay calm.

Last night, again he had me on my knees in tears, over him not wanting to let me go to sleep in his own bed, on his own.

I was so strong this time, it was going to happen. But it just breaks my heart and after a half hour of arguing/crying, I give in.

Tonight though he says it will be different.

We are working on a chart for everything right now. He is doing awesome at everything that we are working on, and every day I add something new to the chart like "clearing the table, or getting off the computer games without talking back and with a good team player attitude."

So, God willing tonight will be the night.

I'm trying to raise him with love, respect and to know what is real in life. I want him to be the most well balanced child with self esteem, yet not too much testosterone to overlook feelings of those around him. I don't think that will happen. He is the most loving, sweet, wonderful, kind, thoughtful and considerate son to me. If that is any indication of how he will be someday with his friends, family and the people who will be important to him in his life....then maybe I'm on the right path?

I have to start taking him and getting us back to church. For one reason or another, I've failed in this area too.

We say our prayers, Thank God every night for our blessings, but I know his Grandma in Heaven is probably ready to kick me in the you know where, because I haven't enforced us going to church.

The few times we tried, he didn't want any part of behaving.

Now though, he has no choice. It will be good for him, he needs to see and feel faith, love and people show their respect and love for God and each other with prayers and song. He needs to learn the beautiful stories that I loved as a child of the Old and New testament. He needs community of other children learning in Sunday school.

I think that bringing church back into our life, will actually provide us with more for me (I miss being surrounded by that warm feeling), but also a new routine for him that will also give him substance and reason, a chance to see people's humility, humbleness and kindness.

So mommy's goal this week: Sleep in own room by himself, work on taking deep breaths, and bringing church back into our life.

God is in his life. That is one thing, that regardless of going to church that we have made sure he knows he is wonderful, of all this world is because of God, all of the beauty that God created including him. He knows and loves God, just doesn't know church and the hour of taking deep breaths that he will need to take if he gets frustrated.

Prayers greatly appreciated.

Prayer Request

This year has been one of ups and downs. It started out on a high note.

Last Christmas Eve, Eric and I had decided it was finally time to go forward with at least trying to have our last frozen embryo from 2002 inseminated. When we were going through IVF, we had 5 fertilized embryo's set aside. Two that failed, were inseminated on Mother's Day 2002, two more were inseminated in July of that year, of which one took and we now have our Miracle.

The last one, has been in storage for the past six years. For many reasons, year after year, we weren't ready. Yet we also, didn't get pregnant on our own, so if we really wanted Matthew to have a sibling...we needed to move.

The storage fees have climbed unbelievably and we never intended for to have an only child. We want Matthew to grow up with "familia" surrounding him with love, someone to share stories with at the Thanksgiving day table years from now.

Last Christmas Eve, Eric and I had made the decision to go ahead, and then he got laid off from his job in January.

We have been in limbo ever since. (again)

We both aren't getting any younger. We both believe that we could never give "another possible Matthew" to another couple, regardless of the years of struggling with infertility that we faced. We both believe that there is no other alternative, but to just wait. We never would abort a "possible Matthew".

They tell me that year after year, the likeliness of success gets slimmer. That I would again have to take the ten weeks of injections (requiring insurance) to then have a slim shot (no pun intended) of getting pregnant.

I have been a stay at home mom all of this time, waiting for my "possible" other miracle, putting careers and moving myself forward on hold, thinking this time will be coming soon. But I don't know anymore.

It's tough living in limbo.

Eric had a temporary contract job, that yesterday they said will end at the end of the month. Next week.

Between the state of the world right now, the state of uncertainty in my life with my son, the fact that I'm practically unemployable due to no other childcare other than my husband and myself, the health issues of my being hypothyroid, being at risk for mom's illness, severe PMS, having a damned abscessed tooth (that for the pain - might as well be my whole mouth that is abscessed), I'm tired.

Sometimes I just wish that there was a way, I could divide myself into more than one being. That person would always be hugging Matthew and being a loving mom and just wanting only the best for him, and the other one could deal with the real world issues and be healthy physically to be able to achieve the moon for him.

I know I'm not crazy or mentally losing it, just facing the daily balances that I face alone sometimes, is torture and could get on any one's nerves. It's hard being the person to smile all the time, when your the only one trying to keep the smile, or keep the dreams alive - the reality of the dream and not the dreaming itself.

I don't know if I'm making sense, but what I mean is talking about dreaming, and empty dreaming or promises, are no way to live. When you can't find a way to make them work, it's even more painful.

Sorry enough rambling, so glad I'm back to my blog so I can just vent like this.

What Is This World Coming To?

Alright, I know I have been warned from staying away from watching the news in the past, but I'm sorry, when disaster happens, I feel it for every person that is suffering. I always think of those moms, those families, those babies, those dads...just like us -they are all human with the same dreams.

Yesterday I was horrified as I watched CNN update on the wildfires in San Diego. I quickly went to my friend Debbie at A Charmed Life who lives in that area and Thank You God she is right now in Florida, struggling with other horrible life challenges while juggling a little girl and her father with Alzheimer's returning from Sicily. I am always checking out her blog and updating myself on how things are going in her life but am always in a rush to comment or Matthew will be screaming in the background for something and so I'll say - later ...I'll get back to her. I do that alot and then I don't get back but not because I don't want to let them know I'm listening..because I'm always so distracted.

Debbie here is a big hug..put those Italian arms around yourself and squeeze. I hope you survive everything you are facing with the strength that I know you have.

I am praying for all of those families in CA, along with the families across the country that face devastation every day either man made or Mother Nature related.

Just to keep you all posted. I'm a nervous mom and Matthew after visiting his pediatrician yesterday is ok..just a coincidence of a cold and fever at the same time MRSA was hitting his school. The bite is still unknown but at this time nothing to be concerned about.

Mommy's Aches & Pains Growing Up with a "chronic" illness - CAN ANYONE RELATE?

By the name of this post, some of you might roll your eyes and say oh no! Not again! Some might say, that's her an open book. Some might say, Shut Up Already! Some might say, me too.

I am hoping that some might open up to me as a woman who is a mom, and either share their challenges of being a women to help us all get through this thing called life.

Growing up watching my mother deteriorate from her illness, before she was diagnosed in 1991, we guessed what could possibly be wrong. The few times my mother agreed to go to a doctor, back in the 80's, they thought she drank too much caffeine and that maybe she should just switch to decaf. That is how unpopular her illness was in the area I was from. Only over the last few years with the Internet, were people able to branch out and see other's affected like themselves in different parts of the country and the world. To see that there was help out there for caregivers, societies to be involved in that do fundraising for research, to find other families with the same similar stories or backgrounds that you knew- they knew. Nothing else had to be said. They knew and you knew and you could just hug and breathe.

I have (due to my own scattered brain sometimes) limited amount of awareness about my mother's illness. Eric is better at understanding it from a medical point of view. He retains things better and can repeat it back to you 10 years later from a visit 10 years past, as if he was just there.

I think because of the upbringing and growing up watching your mother and family deteriorate with a chronic illness, might have definitely done something to my ability to fully emotionally develop to be able to deal with crisis', to deal with chaos and have some of the basic strengths other women have? I know that I had to step into "mother" frame of mind growing up worrying about my brothers and father. I am not complaining being the only girl, but the weight was on my shoulders (that I put there myself) to make things "right". My brothers and father and myself always had love from each other and that is still precedent today, but when everything was chaotic we all did what we could to survive that moment. One moment at a time. And now almost 25+ years later, it's like we have to pick up the pieces of our shattered selves that we had become and try to stay whole.

Over the past few years due to infertility, being 300+ miles from my "blood family" and childhood friends and relatives, watching my mother deteriorate, go into a nursing home, have a baby, be a motherless daughter even while she was still alive and then in Feb 2006 her to finally be at peace and marital issues I have suffered from major depressions.

Previously these were diagnosed as "Seasonal Affective Disorder", as "situational", as possibly "bi-polar", as "Hypothyroid" (which was found due to infertility), as Hashimoto's Disease which is a thyroid disease, as possibly "pmd" (severe PMS) due to my symptoms always getting worse anywhere between two weeks of the month.

I am still at a loss as to what "label" I should call myself.

I don't know what to do about it anymore.

I tried to start this blog for a million reasons, sharing my son with my family near and far, having a journal of and for him from me to see how much I loved him if God forbid one day I'm not there, to separate each of my "issues" to give them each a place where I could get them out of me and down on "paper", to help me stay connected to the outside world, to give me my creativity back as a human being, to give me my own little place that was mine while maybe making friends out there in the world who possibly can relate to any of this and so my corner of my room wouldn't become as isolated as my mother's had been.

My mother didn't have the Internet. She had well lost her capacity to verbalize, type, communicate by the time the computers came around. She was a victim of the "old world" that meant if it happened behind closed doors, no one would see or know so she suffered many years of pain and silence when the world outside was loud and happy, she wasn't seen or heard in her room day after day. My father was her major outside connection with the world, taking her out for rides just to get her to breathe the air, see the views. I don't know how it happened but it really was a miracle that she chose him in life and that he didn't give up.

Many people would say to me over the years, you're father was a saint. So many men would have given up and just walked away.

Thank You God that he didn't.

It's unbelievable that someone could love someone that much. There were frustrating times for him on a daily basis, but he never wavered from standing by her side or sitting by her side in the end even falling asleep at her feet of her bed at the nursing home.

The reason I started all of this rehashing today is simply this. It's that time of the month. My father and husband and brothers are now embarrassed by my coming out to the world about it, but I don't care.

It's a scary thought sometimes being a woman. Especially when I don't know what the heck is going on with me. And that I have to put on a smile all the time for my son or get myself up in the morning to get dressed and get through the day. It's a daily battle for me and I just want people to know that if I could take a pill to make myself "whole" I would. As it is I take Celexa for anxiety and Thyroid medicine.

This time I said some things to someone I love very much, that might have been more than hurtful.

That someone is my brother J.

He happened to call me a little name on the wrong day.

20 years worth of pain came out and he was the reciprocate of that pain.

He is the most wonderful father to his girls and the most wonderful uncle to his nephew, the most wonderful son to his father and the most wonderful brother to his sister.

I do not change the way I feel about certain issues, like wishing my son had family near by and his and my love for them. I can't change the way things are. That is why I constantly am the one traveling to PA or to wherever to make sure that I do my part for Matthew to have "family" or friends. I will continue to do it, because he needs to know his family in PA as much as his family in MA.

So I am getting off now because I have to find a way to shower. Eric took Matthew to school and then I have to go get him.

I really just wanted everything out there today because in my gut and in my heart, I have everything to fight for. A beautiful son, a husband and home and for my mom I'm not giving in to this womanly stuff without a battle a fight. I refuse to let one more winter go by, with me just sitting still through it.

oh yeah and don't forget that mountain called 40 in few months...

things are just a little bit much right now.

Prayer To St. Theresa - HAPPY 50TH ANNIVERSARY GRANDMA & GRANDPA K

I am enclosing this prayer today for everyone in my life who I love. I received it an email from someone special in PA and I thought I would forward it to the world.

May you all have your prayers answered and that peace and love conquer your world.

I also want to wish my in-law's HAPPY 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!

Saint Theresa's Prayer May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Mommy's Favorite Prayers

Just cleaning up my sidebar, now that I'm learning more and more each day about how to set up my blog:-)

Here are just some of my favorite prayers that I found via CatholicOnline

A Mother's Prayer to the Guardian Angels of Her Children
A Prayer To The Heart Of Mary
Make Me An Instrument Of Your Peace, St. Francis Prayer
Morning Prayer to St. Therese de Lisieux
Prayer to St. Anthony of Padua
St. Dymphna
About St. Matthew

Prayers for Grandma in Heaven

I wasn't going to blog tonight since I am visiting with my father, but again Matthew's antics leaving me wanting to share them with the world.

This morning at 7 am while I was getting ready to leave for my long drive, he was so helpful and sweet. He made sure he found me by baseball hat so no one would have to see Mommy's real hair (which was so overdue for a cut and hideous). He held the door open for me on my many trips to the car and then gave me one final tight hug around the legs that could have just made me drop everything and just stay there in that moment all day. I had only talked to him twice today and each time he was so loving and wonderful, making my already hard trip so much easier on me.

Tonight while talking to my husband, he mentioned that Matthew was so tired tonight that he said "Daddy, I got good news, and bad news"...Eric almost dying from this announcement said "Well lets start with the bad news?" He said, I can't go to sleep without Mommy tonight (but he wasn't crying about it-just stating a fact). Eric assured him that Daddy would help him sleep...they got distracted and never got what the good news was.

When Eric took him up to bed, Matthew had his hands in prayer (which is something we might -regretablly shown him twice in his life). We usually just pray while lying in bed together. Matthew said, we have to say a prayer for Ringo. (our german shorthair dog that passed away when Matthew was 18 months old). Daddy, said...ok...how about a prayer too for Grandma (my mom)....Matthew said, ok....he put his hands together and said...Grandma playing with Ringo..some kind of prayer for both of them.

I am just so proud of my little man, adjusting to being without me and being so understanding right now and being so thoughtful and insightful at the same time. He really always has me in awe...

Tomorrow is our mass for my Mom and we will be going to her grave in the afternoon to put flowers on it and also spread our soil from Ireland. We had brought back soil in 1998 when my husband and I took a trip there. The soil was from my great-greatgrandmother's land in County Mayo. We will then go to mass before I head back to MA on Monday. I probably won't be on again for a few more days...

Good night.