Bad Mama Swan Blogger..bad..bad..bad..

I can not believe it has been another almost two months since my last post..

Most of it has been due to no news is good news..and typical busy everyday life more keeping up with my friends and family on a daily basis, instead of the world in my mind....

Yet, something keeps pulling me back...Mother's day, my pain in my shoulder calcified fragment in my bursa of my right rotator cuff has kept me from here the past week...As Papa Swan is saying "Mama Swan hurt her wing."

Now that I have somewhat limited movement again...I feel like what if I couldn't type or share my thoughts of my son with the world...nothing is more painful to me, then not being able to express myself.

So, with that said, I am going to get back to sharing on a more weekly basis again..for my sake, for my memories of what I hope someday my almost first grader will understand why Mama would type on the computer every day!

I am still in awe...and this week will be my second chance to volunteer in his kindergarten class to see him in his element with teachers and friends and their well oiled machine of a class room schedule that is really wonderful to witness.

Later this week, for special person's day, Papa Swan will be the guest of honor and will get to witness Matthew in gym class.

Then the weekend is already Memorial Weekend, which to me is unfathomable. Where did the past two months go?

Catching Up On My Reading - Remembering Infertility

A few weeks ago while at the library with Matthew, we ventured into an aisle for Mommy of "self -help" books. Although I've read alot over the years, I am always looking for ways to improve, learn and to nurture my soul. We found a place where Matthew could look at his books on the floor of the aisle I was in, while I quickly grabbed whatever grabbed my eye before he was finished reading his books.

One that immediately caught my eye, was by an author named Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. called Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else.

I had seen this wonderful woman when we were going through infertility at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital in Brookline, MA. Her classes on meditation & relaxation for women going through the same stress' in life were remarkable. I left there with many meditation tapes with her soothing voice that eventually was the key I needed to complete my many intrusive exams at the time.

My body had become so anxiety ridden from numerous exams, blood work etc over the years that it was becoming to the point where I couldn't even have a pap smear. I found a wonderful doctor who is also into anything alternative to help in aiding patients and being a woman she is completely understanding. She let me listen to my tape for the 5 minutes I needed before the exam began and with alot of deep breathing and guided imagery while listening to the tape, I was in Ireland on the Cliffs Of Mohr and then it was done. I had never experienced anything so easy in my life.

After that I was able to finally do the exams where they took my eggs and eventually another exam where they would inseminate. The deep breathing and relaxation was the key to these as well.

My father in law had been mentioning to me for years about mind over matter. He introduced me to a book back in the early nineties by Herbert Benson (another pioneer of mind-over matter).

I used to just roll my eyes at some of his suggestions. I still do, but he knows that it is not with dis-respect but just a little deep for me at the moment. He had definitely hit a mark with his suggesting mind over matter.

One of my problems though is that once I got pregnant with Matthew, I forgot all about meditating and deep breathing. I thought I didn't need it anymore and after all I went through to get pregnant I wouldn't be rushing out the door for any more exams. God could take care of me for awhile.

The tapes and weekly charts of what I went through collected dust in my basement, where they still are. I have to get them out.

For some strange reason I didn't even pick up this book, until last night. I immediately read 60 pages all reminding me of the necessary means to take care of your mind, heart, soul and self.
I have been trying to go out more with moms that I have been meeting, I have been blogging more as a journal and therapeutic necessity for my creative self. I have been allowing myself my cup of iced coffee from Honey Dew Donuts, so I thought I am taking care of my "self". What I read though is about more than that.

The blogging/journals/writing is recommended due to (and I knew this) today's day and age of women more in the work force without family and friends around the corner, without community - this is their muse, their peace, their world, the place where everything they feel comes out and has a place.

While reading this I thought OK, I know what I'm talking about. I'm going to give you opinions of what I read last night...not exact quotes from the book (other's might take the meanings totally different from how I interpret it to my life).

She mentions though that if not taking the time to listen to your "self" for at least 45 minutes to an hour a day, which might include the relaxation and breathing exercises to help, everything in your life will suffer. From relationships to your every daily challenges and how we cope with small problems to major ones that we face.

She mentions how being a stay at home mom (not in the exact wording) face more depression issues, more anxiety issues, more illness, more social issues than a woman in the work force all day who then tries to juggle and balance family. The stigma is that women at home have the time to balance it all, but really there never is a balance. Women who work juggle more but due to them using there creative selves in the world, socializing with peers, just going out at lunch with a co-worker makes them less likely to get depression, anxiety, illness and social isolation.

She mentions that what we think might be balance in other peoples lives, just might be that there never is a balance. No one has balance. She also mentions that for women that stay home they (un-necessarily) expect more of the few relationships they do have and unknowingly put pressure on those people to achieve that expectation. She mentions that for the spouse of women at home, sometimes that spouse (due to the age we live in) then is supposed to be the husband, the father, the friend, the relative, the empty void that is missing with other relationships. The one who is to carry all of the weight and the financial burden of being the sole provider.

I know this is true for me. I don't want it to be true but it is. It wasn't my plan, but it seems that due to the age we live in, my staying home hasn't been the best for my relationships. Except Matthew. I really have to work on getting a job. Something that allows me to still be home, something that allows me to still be able to be there for Matthew. Today and tomorrow we have plans, but over the weekend I am going to work on my resume and just getting some of myself back into the real world. Maybe even finally finding a babysitter to go out with my husband on a date, would be a nice start.

I just ordered this book from Amazon so I have a copy to use and with my old tapes and maybe even a phone call to Dr. Ali, things will get easier.

Mommy's Aches & Pains Growing Up with a "chronic" illness - CAN ANYONE RELATE?

By the name of this post, some of you might roll your eyes and say oh no! Not again! Some might say, that's her an open book. Some might say, Shut Up Already! Some might say, me too.

I am hoping that some might open up to me as a woman who is a mom, and either share their challenges of being a women to help us all get through this thing called life.

Growing up watching my mother deteriorate from her illness, before she was diagnosed in 1991, we guessed what could possibly be wrong. The few times my mother agreed to go to a doctor, back in the 80's, they thought she drank too much caffeine and that maybe she should just switch to decaf. That is how unpopular her illness was in the area I was from. Only over the last few years with the Internet, were people able to branch out and see other's affected like themselves in different parts of the country and the world. To see that there was help out there for caregivers, societies to be involved in that do fundraising for research, to find other families with the same similar stories or backgrounds that you knew- they knew. Nothing else had to be said. They knew and you knew and you could just hug and breathe.

I have (due to my own scattered brain sometimes) limited amount of awareness about my mother's illness. Eric is better at understanding it from a medical point of view. He retains things better and can repeat it back to you 10 years later from a visit 10 years past, as if he was just there.

I think because of the upbringing and growing up watching your mother and family deteriorate with a chronic illness, might have definitely done something to my ability to fully emotionally develop to be able to deal with crisis', to deal with chaos and have some of the basic strengths other women have? I know that I had to step into "mother" frame of mind growing up worrying about my brothers and father. I am not complaining being the only girl, but the weight was on my shoulders (that I put there myself) to make things "right". My brothers and father and myself always had love from each other and that is still precedent today, but when everything was chaotic we all did what we could to survive that moment. One moment at a time. And now almost 25+ years later, it's like we have to pick up the pieces of our shattered selves that we had become and try to stay whole.

Over the past few years due to infertility, being 300+ miles from my "blood family" and childhood friends and relatives, watching my mother deteriorate, go into a nursing home, have a baby, be a motherless daughter even while she was still alive and then in Feb 2006 her to finally be at peace and marital issues I have suffered from major depressions.

Previously these were diagnosed as "Seasonal Affective Disorder", as "situational", as possibly "bi-polar", as "Hypothyroid" (which was found due to infertility), as Hashimoto's Disease which is a thyroid disease, as possibly "pmd" (severe PMS) due to my symptoms always getting worse anywhere between two weeks of the month.

I am still at a loss as to what "label" I should call myself.

I don't know what to do about it anymore.

I tried to start this blog for a million reasons, sharing my son with my family near and far, having a journal of and for him from me to see how much I loved him if God forbid one day I'm not there, to separate each of my "issues" to give them each a place where I could get them out of me and down on "paper", to help me stay connected to the outside world, to give me my creativity back as a human being, to give me my own little place that was mine while maybe making friends out there in the world who possibly can relate to any of this and so my corner of my room wouldn't become as isolated as my mother's had been.

My mother didn't have the Internet. She had well lost her capacity to verbalize, type, communicate by the time the computers came around. She was a victim of the "old world" that meant if it happened behind closed doors, no one would see or know so she suffered many years of pain and silence when the world outside was loud and happy, she wasn't seen or heard in her room day after day. My father was her major outside connection with the world, taking her out for rides just to get her to breathe the air, see the views. I don't know how it happened but it really was a miracle that she chose him in life and that he didn't give up.

Many people would say to me over the years, you're father was a saint. So many men would have given up and just walked away.

Thank You God that he didn't.

It's unbelievable that someone could love someone that much. There were frustrating times for him on a daily basis, but he never wavered from standing by her side or sitting by her side in the end even falling asleep at her feet of her bed at the nursing home.

The reason I started all of this rehashing today is simply this. It's that time of the month. My father and husband and brothers are now embarrassed by my coming out to the world about it, but I don't care.

It's a scary thought sometimes being a woman. Especially when I don't know what the heck is going on with me. And that I have to put on a smile all the time for my son or get myself up in the morning to get dressed and get through the day. It's a daily battle for me and I just want people to know that if I could take a pill to make myself "whole" I would. As it is I take Celexa for anxiety and Thyroid medicine.

This time I said some things to someone I love very much, that might have been more than hurtful.

That someone is my brother J.

He happened to call me a little name on the wrong day.

20 years worth of pain came out and he was the reciprocate of that pain.

He is the most wonderful father to his girls and the most wonderful uncle to his nephew, the most wonderful son to his father and the most wonderful brother to his sister.

I do not change the way I feel about certain issues, like wishing my son had family near by and his and my love for them. I can't change the way things are. That is why I constantly am the one traveling to PA or to wherever to make sure that I do my part for Matthew to have "family" or friends. I will continue to do it, because he needs to know his family in PA as much as his family in MA.

So I am getting off now because I have to find a way to shower. Eric took Matthew to school and then I have to go get him.

I really just wanted everything out there today because in my gut and in my heart, I have everything to fight for. A beautiful son, a husband and home and for my mom I'm not giving in to this womanly stuff without a battle a fight. I refuse to let one more winter go by, with me just sitting still through it.

oh yeah and don't forget that mountain called 40 in few months...

things are just a little bit much right now.