Remember When Wednesday - My Mom's Birthday Tomorrow

Dear Mom,

I know that I am typing you this letter a little early and a little late. Tomorrow is Thankful Thursday so I will be busy listing more items in which I'm Thankful to God for tomorrow. And of course you are one of them again.

Tomorrow you would have been 64 years old. It is amazing to me that with all you went through in life, that you never aged. So I will always remember you as that beautiful mom that you were when you gave birth to me. That was the mom that I loved. The healthy mom with the beautiful smile and such wonderful taste in fashion with yourself and your children but also such a wonderful homemaker and wife. The healthy mom that you were is what I like to force myself to go back and remember.

It was hard for me to do for a long time, because your illness started corroding our lives at such a young age for you and after only 11 years married to Daddy at the time. Eleven years seems like such a short time to have your dreams interrupted. Your dream of being that homemaker and wife. It amazes me now as a grown woman struggling with balancing staying home with raising one son, let alone 3 children. I don't know how you did it.

I know that in hindsight I can look back at a lot of things that I never understood growing up. I was a troubled child due to your illness that we never found out about until 1991. So from the time the mental onset began when I was 7 or 8 years old, until 1991, I had no name for it.

All I knew was that my home was suddenly becoming this place where I had to be the one to be there for Daddy, J and P who was only less than 5 at the time when the illness was hitting the hardest. We suffered through many atrocities with him being the sole provider including losing heat, hot water, electricity and eventually our home to Daddy eventually losing another home, all because of ignorance. Ignorance on the part of every adult who witnessed what was going on and who didn't step in or didn't help or who eventually found out years later about the illness and still didn't help.

The child in me is angry now, as the mom and woman in me remembers each heartbreak that you and we suffered due to "an illness". I'm angry at the counselors in school, the friends and family that turned their back, due to Daddy's lack of housecleaning instead of looking at what he was struggling with. I'm angry at the people who witnessed us every day deteriorate and did not step in. I don't know if it would have helped anyway because their still is no cure for what you suffered with, but regarding maybe some help for Daddy going through what he did.

I've been through counseling and I know that the child within me is allowed to "hate" that part of my life. I'm allowed to hate that part of what I went through as a child with you deteriorating. I'm also allowed to "love" that part of you due to you had no control over what was happening. I'm allowed to love you as my mother.

Now though as a mom, it is hard. I look in the mirror and there you are. Today I grabbed some old bobby pins that I never use to pull the strands of my hair back by my ponytail and they were your bobby pins that used to hold in your hair around your bun. Matthew asked me what they were because I never where them.

The other day I remembered how you used to where your hair in rollers taking us to McCrory's and I remembered being the teenager I was, how embarrassed and how much I used to let you know how much you embarrassed me.

I know once I found out about your illness and many years of counseling that normal teenage years were going to happen regardless, but I know that if I knew what you were facing I would have been the better daughter and your friend.



I know that when you were in the nursing home I told you how sorry I was for everything I ever did, the arguments we had that really escalated as you got worse and before I moved to MA. I later apologized for being so far away and that was and still is the most torturous for me to think that when you were there every day in that room, I wasn't holding your hand.

It almost caused me to leave MA for good when I couldn't leave the state one time, returning home from visiting you. I know God was with me though when I did, it was only a few months later that I was pregnant with Matthew and that the road I had chosen was the right one.

I'm sorry I'm writing you this letter now when tomorrow would have been a celebratory day for you. It just seems to pour out and I know you know, how I feel regardless. I know you are here with me and that you see your Grandson and that you would run to him and squeeze him all of the time if you could. I hope you saw him the other day planning out different ingredients for an idea he had to bake. I know you would get a kick out of that. I'm always telling him how much Grandma was always coming up with new things to make by using her creativity with what little she had. I know you would get a kick out of him when he gets filthy from playing and I tell him he is a little "coalminers grandson".

Well, my hands are frozen now and I can't keep typing so I will let you know more in my prayers.



I love you and I hope you have a pint of Genesee with Uncle M and Grandma & Grandpa tomorrow celebrating the day they gave you life.

Without your life, Matthew's life wouldn't be.

I love you Mom. Happy Birthday.

Love
TM

Rainy Day Tuesday

I've lost my knack for my titles to my blog. Some days are better than others. My brain is in coordination with the weather today....foggy, gray and a little damp.

Last night at dinner, Matthew wanted to bring out my cookbooks for things we can make and HAVE A PARTY MOMMY!!!!

Before I knew it, he was sitting on my lap and was getting so excited over each picture in the book, but as soon as I told them the ingredients he would say "No, never mind."

Until we got to the desert section where suddenly every page was a must for this party.

I told him we couldn't make the Cappuccino cake because it has coffee in it. He said that it would be OK and that he wouldn't drink it, just eat it in the cake.

I mentioned that Tiramasu wouldn't be good either because that too has something for grownups in it. He said "That's OTAY...mommy! I can eat it, That's OTAY!"

Daddy came home at that moment, so all dreams of sugarplums danced away for me at that moment and it was a good thing because I have limited ingredients in the house right now.

This morning though, first thing before Good Morning Mommy was "Mommy, You have to call all my friends". I'm having a panic attack over this because he doesn't understand that you can't call friends and invite them to a party that same day. I was trying to ease his disappointment by letting him know that if he is serious about this, that we need to pick a date on the calender and plan it and make invitations to put in the mail.

I'm thinking maybe a hot chocolate and desert party sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas because that is the time that will work for us, but I also realize that time is also hard to get people to come due to the busy month of December.

The people he wants to invite are all of his cousins and family in PA and MA along with friends from school and our neighbor Grammy R. I'm sure if he really thought more about it, the list will include a few other neighbors as well.

He was still not understanding that this party can't be held today. I tried to talk him into another party with his stuffed animals, but he isn't having any part of that. It is heartbreaking to me to see that I can't fulfill his need.

It is beyond my control that all of his family lives far away, I can't force anyone to come. I'd offer to pick each and every one up from PA and MA though if I thought for his sake, we could make it happen.

Today we are going to make handwritten invitations on construction paper to get through this rainy day, to get this started. At least if we try maybe we can get back into the swing of things with having family and friends over and even if only a few show, it will make his day.

It will be just a desert and hot chocolate party with some coffee for the grownups and the kids can just play while the grownups just talk. He really loves having friends here in his own environment with his own toys and it gives him a chance to feel special by sharing them.

I haven't had a party since my Pampered Chef party a few years ago when we moved back into the house.

I wasn't looking for people to come and spend money, but to keep the continuum going of having friends over and that was a good way to do it.

This will be a party about just friends and family over cookies and hot chocolate. No money needed, just bring hugs.

Alright, I think I just talked myself into it. He really is a great host. He loves to entertain and make sure everyone feels welcome and that you are all having a good time.

Now we just have to pick a date. Maybe the weekend of Thanksgiving.

Mama's Legend Of The Fall and Papa Swan Memories

This morning, I don't know if it is because we lost an hour but I'm in a funky mood.

It all started last night when I watched "Legends Of The Fall" with Brad Pitt. I have loved him since Thelma & Louise and I watched this movie when it first came out ten years ago, but haven't since.

I thought I was getting into a nice romantic movie and then I wound up crying my eyes out for the last hour.

It was an unbelievable movie, but I wasn't prepared for the tearjerker aspect and it proved to me that sometimes when I think I've lost feelings in certain areas, there they are. I'm alive. I feel. I don't like to see unhappy endings in a movie because it is my escape and I like to live in a fairy tale sometimes to escape. Not a fairytale life where I'm pretending to be Cinderella every day of my life (although I wish I had the mice to help me clean), I just try and make the most in my mind to get through the days. Having a child has brought out the child within, although being the little boy he is, my little girl in me has had to step aside sometimes.

I miss being that girl , the girl who dreamed of the castle and Prince Charming. Not just to have a cute guy on the white horse in a nice house, but more the rescuer of Prince Charming's nature. The guy to save you from the sleep induced spell of a witch, to save you and protect you and respect you in life along with being your best friend. The fairy tales on the screen only get you so far, it is real life that you need more than that "happy ending". You need work to make it work.

When is Disney going to make a fairy tale that shows that aspect. It is time for them to catch up with the rest of the world to show little girls that the Prince isn't always the answer. You need to find the Happy Ending within yourself first and then if he loves you, wonderful. You'll have the best of both worlds. If he doesn't, it won't crush you as much because you are already a whole person without him.

I watched too many fairy tales, romantic movies and musicals growing up. I'm not complaining because with the life I was living with my mother deteriorating year after year from a neurological illness, that is the only thing along with singing that provided that escape. Thank You God for that escape or God knows where I would be now.

When I first moved to MA in 1990, Eric was my Prince Charming. He saw this little girl who was desperately trying to get out of her environment and we had an instant connection because he immediately took the role of someone who cared for me, loved me and wanted to protect me. My father was worried about me moving 350 miles away and Eric told him "I promise, I'll take good care of her and won't let anything happen to her". I was impressed with his concern for my father's feelings and for the way he loved being in that role. It wasn't a financial role because at the time, I had a 2K loan from a bank and that is how we started our relationship. We didn't learn how to save money until we were getting married and I worked and we put my money in the savings account and learned to live on his income and that is when he saw "Wow...look at we could do together when working toward our dreams".

That first year we were together being the young, unmarried and childless couple we were, we partied and he showed me every tourist spot in Boston, Cape Cod, NH, VT and Rhode Island. We must have went to 50 concerts that first year from small venues like The Orpheum to see Warren Zevon in Boston, The Paradise to see The Waterboys in Brighton to larger ones like Great Woods to see Eric Clapton, Robert Plant, Scorpions, Bonnie Raitt, U2 at the Boston Garden and later at the old Foxboro Stadium to see Pink Floyd's Division Bell Concert.

Our life was filled with dinners out on Friday nights, playing pool together where after 10 years I actually was getting good, going to karaoke with friends, going to Key West with friends and our best friend M's 40th birthday.

That was the life before Matthew. Eric calls it BM.

We don't miss it at all.

What I miss though is our friends who we have lost touch with, our family that we used to see 10 times or more a year. And I miss the part of our relationship where we had the "want" to do everything together, the passion of it. I miss the interests in both of our lives (that we loved before having a child) other than the house, bills and Matthew. Not necessarily the drinking part, but the part where we both loved to protect each other, put each other on that pedestal and that we could stay there for a while. I also miss the nights in Foxboro in our little apartment when he would come into our room to wake me up from sleeping, but this is a g rated blog, so I'll leave it at that.

No more watching romantic movies for me before bed...

Friday Recap

Well, this week definitely was better than last.

Matthew made it to school and is over his cold, for the most part. With the Red Sox winning the World Series to start the week off, we knew we were going to have a good week.

Halloween in the middle of the week to add to the excitement was like icing on the cake.

Today we got to finish off the yummy week with some warm and wonderful friends to play at our house.

Matthew and R have more than one thing in common. They are both boys and only 4 months apart and both are used to being the only "boy" in their household other than Daddy, so at times they have to be reminded (mostly Matthew today) that they both have to share.

R's little sister is heaven. She is the most cutest, quietest, sweetest little angel of a little girl. She is so little girl. She also loves to play with her brother though and get into dirt and play with sticks and rocks, but she does it in a dainty way.

It was nice for me to drag out Matthew's kitchen set again. I thought for sure that was going to be sold by now, but as soon as he heard that N was coming over, he immediately pulled out the buffet and made her soup.

We had a nice lunch while picking out toys we would like from Santa and Matthew explained how he wants to sell his baby toys to go to Disneyworld.

We wound up playing outside today. It was a little nippy. 50 degrees in the sun. I don't know about the shade near the water.

They really played OK though overall.

For the brief moments when they used teamwork and looked like the best of buddies, I just sighed and took pictures to make the moment last longer.

Thankful Thursday

Today is the first day of November. The first day of the month that celebrates being Thankful for your blessings. Every day of every year, I'm thankful but I thought it would be nice to make a special list on every Thursday during this month to really put them out there for the world to see.

My Top Ten What I'm Thankful For:

1. I'm Thankful for my health even though it seems to let me down at times. At this point in my life, I'm here for my son and that is my most prized blessing. (I just have to quit smoking) -maybe tomorrow I'll do a list for what I need to stop doing.
2. 
   
   I'm Thankful for God's blessing of my son. No other explanation needed, my blog speaks volumes of my love for him.
3. 
   
   I'm Thankful for Eric. Without him, my son wouldn't be here ( I would have given in after years of infertility to adoption and missed out on our most wonderful blessing), I wouldn't have the most beautiful house and possibly the financially challenging ability to be a stay at home mom. I wouldn't have 17 years of memories, some good and some bad but when we hold and look at our son, that love is the strength that keeps us going when times are tough.
4. 
   
   I'm Thankful for my mother and father. I know it sounds like I'm repeating myself, but without them, I wouldn't be here. Matthew wouldn't be here. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am, the person who cherishes family as life's most prized possession and to make the most out of every day, by enjoying our health while we have it and creating the memories for our son, while we are still on this earth.
5. 
   
   I'm Thankful for my brothers. I wouldn't be used to living with men, without them. haha... They gave me the strength I needed in my life by giving me love, hugs and humor, songs in my heart and soul with some tearful moments in between but a bond that will never be broken.
6. 
   
   I'm Thankful that God gave me one more November of being in my 30's..last one!! I'm really not looking forward to it, but hey! I'm enjoying my last November!


7. I'm Thankful for music. I know it sounds trite but it's not. It's in my soul. I need it in me to get through every day. The days I don't get to have those moments to feel my soul, everyone around me knows it.
8. 
   
   I'm Thankful for my blessing from God of my singing. I know I don't sing in church like I should or in a choir or a band, but I still know what a blessing I've been given and appreciate that part of me.
9. 
   
   I'm Thankful for God's beautiful world. I have been blessed to see Alaska, California, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Maryland, Florida, Ireland and Cancun. I wish I had time in my life to take Matthew on a road trip of the whole country to really see all of God's beautiful landscaping scenery of the mountains, lakes and everything in between.
10. 
    
    I'm Thankful for my time to blog, because God knows I need an outlet for my soul and this is it.

I will be leaving you today with one last picture of my little guy on Halloween night.

Thankful for Daddy who gave me my Spiderman: