Alright, I don't even know where to begin.
My little guy is so in need of a brother or a next door neighbor to play with on a constant daily basis.
He has this need to wrestle and want to be constantly be active, that I know is completely normal for a six year old boy. He is so all boy, that we just can't give him all that he needs everyday and for me, as his mom, it's draining. Emotionally.
There are two boys in his class that he is constantly looking up to and wanting to impress. They are twins and they have each other not only in class, but at home when they get off the bus. One of them, from the stories I get in bits and pieces from Matthew...seems a little bit bullish and someone that I try to tell Matthew that it is okay to just be himself and not look up to this boy, but just be himself and be the good kid that he is.
Yesterday morning before getting on the bus, literally as I'm helping him put on his coat, he said "Mrs. __ said I have never got a bad note, yet! But that for pushing someone I could!" I looked up horrified that he was mentioning it as we were walking out the door and told him, he better not push anyone and that he should always use his words.
He came off the bus yesterday and literally was doing the Irish Jig for his friends on the bus, like a show, as he headed in the house. I thought wow he is having a great day!
I opened up his backpack to see the day's work or artwork and it was filled to the rim, with Cat In The Hat that we hung on the window and other work on numbers, when I saw this little note from his teacher with his name on the top of the page.
I looked at the circled item mentioning that he had "Not kept his hands to himself" and then mentioning that we need to enforce these rules at home. At the bottom of the page, she mentioned in handwriting that he had kicked another child........
I wasn't even going to type it, blog it...It hurts me so much to know that my little miracle, is acting this way.
When I was reading the note out loud, he took it and out of frustration, tore it up into three pieces and crumpled it and then hid behind the couch. I asked his what happened. He mentioned another child wanted to play with someone..whatever... I told him that he is never to hit, push or kick anyone in school and due to that there would be no TV or computer games, Nintendo all day.
It was a long day.
When the day was almost done, he wanted me to play with him and I'm just so sad about this, that I just wanted to crawl inside of myself. He said then the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life, "Why did you have me if you didn't want me????"
Me...who has this blog, who gave birth, who prayed for him, who is so blessed by him, who is so in awe of him, who just thinks life wasn't life before he was on it...I didn't want him.
I can't type these words..it is killing me...I really wish I had my own mother right now, to help me to give me advice...
This morning, as he was getting on the bus after promising us this will never happen again, he kissed me and then said "Mom, any more only hugs when the bus is coming..you can kiss me before hand!"
Talk about my heart breaking.
I hope and pray that this is the last note we ever get. I know he is full of testosterone and that he is all boy and in class with twelve other boys and that these things happen.
I am blessed and thankful for him and couldn't imagine life without him!! Thank you God!
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