Thank God for family. Because of various reasons, Matthew's Aunt was nice enough to let us have his party at her house in Boston. This way my little guy could be with his cousins and have more than just mommy and daddy to sing him Happy Birthday:-)
We wound up surprising him by having him fall asleep in the car on the drive in "to Grandma and Grandpa's" he thought. When he woke up 5 minutes before my sister-in-laws house, Mommy had run into I-Party and had my hatch filled with balloons...and I thought I was good, but the bugger, looked around and said like in a dreamstate...are these my surprise Mommy? My husband dropped me off with all the decorations and cake while he went to pick up my in-laws and when they came back Matthew was in his glory!
It was a nice, loud few hours and he slept the whole way home. Whew! Now Mommy can finally relax for a day or two before thinking of our anniversary in a few days:-)
Next weekend I will be heading down to visit with my family. My mom passed away one year ago on Feb. 25th.....With all that is going on, it will be nice to just stop and embrace one moment at a time. With Matthew's birthday to our anniversary to the anniversary of my mom's passing...it's hard to catch my breath. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm planning something else and then I know on the 350 mile drive I can finally just breathe a sigh of ok...now this.
I know it will be hard for me but at the same time, there is no way I could miss it. For too many years my mother suffered from a long terminal illness, where I felt guilt of not being there. The last few days of her life, I was there until the end, her last breath. The first month was the toughest with every week getting worse with the memories of what I witnessed, but once we got passed that one month mark, my father and I felt like ok....now we can start healing. Without going into detail, she had suffered for 25 + years and so she is finally in peace and without pain. She is in God's joy of Heaven with her family and is now an angel always with me. And now she sees my son every moment and kisses him at night, whereas in life she couldn't.
I know this drive is going to be one of the toughest ones I ever made, and I've made some really tough ones. The distance between my family and where we live now is and always has been the biggest problem with my choice a million years ago, to move up here and as my mom deteriorated over the years, it only got worse as each year passed. The drive used to be one of excitement to get to either direction - either the excitement of coming back to my husband after a vist there or the excitement of the drive down to be with my family/hold my mom's hand or eventually share in my son's life with her.
It has been like one long vacational state of mind that takes alot of adjustment (and I'm not talking like a vacation of beaches and sunsets). It's like 17 years worth of turning the lights on and off in my heart, my mind and my physical state. I love so many people or things about both places that I just have always struggled with reality of it.
When I would visit my mom in the later years of her life, it was like ok..turn off your self of who you are now, drive down, visit with her in a nursing home, feel those guilt and horrid feelings of what kind of daughter would not be there for her and then in a few days, turn around and come back to living my dreams with my husband. And each time I would come home to him and now my family of him and my son, it's like there is no way in the world I would trade my son's life or destroy his family due to my geographical problems. When I say I am blessed to be my son's mom, it is because I feel that way every day and there is no way I would do anything to destroy that miracle from God, by desolving his family. All I'm trying to say about all of this, is juggling your emotions for 17 years for every event in your life no matter, what state it takes place in, is trying on anyone.
I can not understand other women that put everything material and otherwise before their children. I'm talking about women like Anna Nicole for instance. I would have never left my 5 month old baby in Nassau to go stay at a Hard Rock Casino Hotel in Florida! My heart aches for that now baby without a mom and for her that her life had to tragically end no matter how terrible her life might have been. I don't think I would hire a nanny even if I could. You are the mom and you are given that role for a reason. If you work due to financial stressors that's different, but to have a nanny in charge of your child for reasons other than your other "issues in life" are more important is a shame.
Maybe it has been because I had no choice since Matthew was born and that we have used a family member babysitter literally 2-3 times in his life, that is making me harder and more determined to say Hey! Yeah I would like some help sometimes but it's not that I'm complaining, it's because I'm human and I'm a woman (two wonderful combinations:-)
I wish I could get away for some Mommy time that had absolutely nothing to do with anything else except me being pampered or enjoying a weekend with my best girl friend, but it ain't happening.
But if we could both win the lottery (that I never play), we could both buy a plane and everything would be alot easier, at least in the hug department. By the way this same best friend that I never get to Tropical beaches with is going to be 40 in 20 days!!!! But who is counting????? Don't worry my little friend, I'm not going to tell the world who you are:-) LOL Maybe show them a pic? I'm just KIDDING!!!!! LOL
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