This morning I was reading MommyNeedsCoffee. On May 5th she posted a very insightful blog asking for people to mention who the Mom's (as a verb) were in people's lives. It made me think about some important aspects of my life that I try not to remember.
The Hallmark aspect of Mother's Day. I love holidays and always am looking forward to any opportunity to buy a card for someone and in most recent days, have Matthew make them.
When my mother was suffering for so many years from her illness, I didn't always feel that way. There is nothing harder than reading through cards for mom's that go shopping, mom's that are always there in a physical state for their children, mom's that are always there in hard times, mom's that are there in good times. When your mother is lying in a degenerative, deteriorating state of mind and body, for years on end (the last 5-7 out of 25 years), finding those cards was nothing more than needing a phone call to a therapist to put it nicely. I couldn't not buy her a card, because she was still with us, in her physical state...for years it was grieving her of being gone, while she was still with us. The last few years I think I wound up giving her a simple one with flowers on the front with the most minimal message of Happy Mother's Day on the inside, just so she had something from me.
When I was younger I used to write lyrics for expression. One year for my mom's birthday or mother's day, I wrote her a poem/prose that said everything I wanted to say to her. We kept it on the wall of her nursing home room right between the pictures of Matthew, so that when she would lie down on her pillow and stare at that wall, it would be filled with love. Even though we don't know if she even understood the poem when I read it to her, knowing it was there for her was one way for me to ease my mind, like a part of me is there on that wall. Not 350 miles away. That if she just looked that way, and also at Matthew...I was with her.
Unfortunately, on our new computer I don't have my poem...I just realized this morning that the printed copy was placed in her casket with her, so I can't share it for now. I'm not giving up on finding the original on our old computer...don't think it is happening this weekend though.
I have also had the opportunity that due to my mother's state of illness, my father was my rock my whole life. He was both my mother and father and though it wasn't easy, his love and undying support of his children is still always constant. He lost everything financially and emotionally taking care of my mom. Due to the lack of support from the state at the time, he had to be sole caretaker. He didn't have the option to work; he had to always be there. I had moved away, my younger brothers were still there for him, but he always pushed us to move on with our lives. He encouraged us to be happy in our life choices and let us know that my mom wouldn't have wanted it any other way. My younger brother Elvis got married and lives a few towns away...my other brother Gorge just recently moved an hour south. While my father was struggling trying to take care of my mother, losing his home, moving into lower income housing, going from one aide to the next for day time care...we were moving on with our lives. My father couldn't depend on the states inability to provide aides that would take care of her full time. They also were so unfamiliar with her illness that they never stuck around long. They didn't have the training needed to deal with her disease, because it is such a rare disorder and at that time, even rarer. They also couldn't pay him for being the sole caretaker (that law has now changed. thank God). My father would take her for rides in the car so she could see the world, take her for ice cream and milk shakes, for hot dogs and buttermilk in NJ, for rides to MA up until it got too much and that was only if his car at the time could handle the trip.
I just wanted to briefly give a glimpse into why my father is my rock and is my "mom" as the verb and to say Thank You Dad!!! I don't know how I'd survive without you. I wouldn't be here. All your children wouldn't be here. We each face rough roads ahead of us and you did the best you could under the circumstances. You did all of it alone too with no outside support from other family members or anyone just coming in to give you a 5 minute break. You did it all with us all moving on with our lives and due to that I married Eric and now have a beautiful son, Matthew. You have 3 beautiful grand-children that Mommy would be (and is from up above) so proud of. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for having the strength, the courage, the determination, the un-selfishness in your heart, the sticking - to -it (so many other men would have left along time ago), the love. I thank you also from Mommy, because she would want me to. To let you know that your love and un-selfish acts is what got her the care she needed, and in the long run the nursing home and you did it all with no instruction manual, no society stepping in to offer support...you did it all by yourself and for so long. Allot of people say that you will be a saint when you get to heaven. I agree with them and love you so much. Happy Mother/Father's Day. Oh and Happy Birthday too...
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