Last night I was thinking that we have been so busy having so much fun, that I don't have time to blog.
That was the whole point of my blog though - to create a memory for Matthew to reflect upon someday so I better get out of my funk and start writing again.
Another thing I have to do is get my camcorder fixed. There is something wrong with the volume control so when you are recording, you don't know if it is going to be a silent movie or if it is going to bring out the volume once recorded down.
This morning Matthew was jumping on my bed and I was listening to his little voice thinking I haven't recorded him in months due to my camcorder being broke. All the pictures and words by me won't mean a thing if we don't also have movies of him to show him later in life. That is one thing I really regret with my mom.
About 5 or 6 years ago, Eric and I took about 30 of my father's 8 mm's from the late 60's through 1980 and put them in order, then took background music of recordings done by my father and myself for most of the new movie and taped it into a VCR movie for my brothers, father and myself. I also used other music appropriate to the memories for the rest of the movie. It came out really beautiful. I have to have my hubby make them now into DVD's so we keep up with technology.
I'll never forget the first time watching them to the music. Due to them not having sound, the music made all the difference and with my father and myself singing in some parts, it made it so much more personalized.
Growing up with my mother's illness was extremely difficult for me and due to her illness and not being able to verbalize her love, what I witnessed in the movies gave me the feeling from her that I craved. When we put the music of my father and my recording to it, we didn't know how or what scenes were going with what song because I just used a CD that we had at the time and knew however it fit, it would be perfect.
The first films are my parents bridal shower, wedding and honeymoon and then we go to my first birthday. The first time I watched it, sitting on my couch, the music that started was my recording of me singing at my wedding "Wind Beneath My Wings" (that I sang to my mom that day). As soon as I started singing, my mother looking radiant and so fashionable at the time, reached down to me in my highchair and kissed me or stroked my arm and then gave me some cake. Watching her to me singing that song, is unbearable and since her passing last year, I haven't had the strength to watch it. The love she had was so clear and I knew now being a mom, that she considered me her lovebug as I do Matthew.
What I couldn't get in words from her in life due to her illness, I now have to music and I can witness it every time I watch the movie. That's why I am a fanatic with my blog, with my pictures and with my own memories of Matthew. I have to get that camcorder fixed because at least now in the movies I can talk to him and he will hear my voice.
And I will hear his.
Now I will post more about the memories we have been making tonight or tomorrow because again now I have spent too much time on here and we have another playdate today!! Yeah!!
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