As my father would sing....night and day.....
Today is the total opposite of yesterday. Thank God. It started with Matthew sleeping the whole night again in his own room in his own Spiderman bed.
When he was about ten months old, before we did the addition, we started the habit of co-sleeping. It was and remained for four years my worst addiction of attached parenting.
It's funny because before he was born, I swore that my kid would never wind up in our bed like my nieces and nephews or friends kids. But then comes a little ten month child with a cold and a drafty old house with windows that were useless 100 feet from a lake, and my tune changed. All it took was once for me to bring him into our bed and I was addicted. The comfort and coziness of his little body, watching him sleep and just being that close to God's miracle, I gave up every night of my life (with a few exceptions) since then to be next to him. I figured that in most European countries and even in America until the early part of the last century, most families couldn't afford more than one bed and still find this acceptable.
The first time Matthew was in our bed, the crib was in my room right up against my bed and I did it for support of his head due to his breathing and a cold. After a week, I put him back in his crib. For his first birthday he woke up with his first (and only) ear infection and that put him back with us to where he never wanted any part of his crib after that. At 18 months when we moved out of our house into an apartment while doing construction on our house, it was just easier for us and him do to the hectiness of our life to keep him in our bed. When we moved back into our house in May 2005, I bought the cutest bed set for his now full size bed that Daddy got him and it would work for a week here and there. But all it would take would be one more cold, one more visit from Grandpa or his Uncle to give up his bed, and he would be back with us.
Each time it has gotten harder and harder on Mommy to let go. It doesn't help when he tells Daddy that he wants Mommy because she's warm and cuddly. I have been a wuss since day one. I watch the supernanny and wish she could come just for the night time to help me enforce him in his room. Ever since day one, when he would cry I have been a wuss. The first time they gave him a bath in the NICU he screamed and I wanted to punch the nurse in the face for making my baby cry. I have always been overly sensitive and this doesn't help when you are a new mom. The few times I did try the Ferber method, he would cry to get himself so sick in his belly and poop so I would then have to change his diaper (because I wouldn't let him sleep in it), he knew once Mommy picked him up again it was all over. I was tired and alone being the only one to deal with it, it became easier on me to just cuddle and except that little body wanting me instead of turn it away. I know now that it wasn't turning him away but would have made him a stronger little person.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but when he was born, I wasn't ready due to him surprising us 2 months early. In hindsight, I feel God put those nurses in the NICU for me to show me what to do once he got home. I wouldn't have had a clue! They really are a blessing. Every one of them warned me not to hold him so much, saying if you do it now, you'll be doing it later and then he'll be sleeping with you. I said, "That's ridiculous"...
I'm sorry Nurse Judy, Nurse Ellen and the others...hehe
So with a few sporadic moments here and there over the past four years, Matthew has probably slept by himself a total of one year. Counting NICU, Crib Days at home and the few months we've had success in his big boy bed over the past two years.
Tuesday night we tried again. Mommy falls asleep with him (next habit - I'm trying -One step at a time). He woke up about 3 am and came in our room. We don't have down the pick him back up part because we both are exhausted.
Last night though...Mommy fell asleep with him around 9:00 and he slept all the way til 7:11 am. in his own room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best part then was when he came in to my bed, kissed me on the lips, put his head on my pillow as I was saying "What a big boy!!!!" he looked into my eyes and said "YEP! (ALL MACHO) love you Mommy!!! What time are you coming down?" I said "I'll be right there.
sniff....snif.... Last night when I came to bed, he had fallen asleep in his room with my pillow. It is worn out and like a teddy bear to me and he loves it. I had to sleep with it. I stood in my doorway looking at his bedroom door and thinking should I just sneak in there with him under the covers to ensure he'll sleep the night? Should I just replace my pillow with another one quietly so he doesn't roll off of his full size bed? (it's on the floor but with him being used to us on either side of him, it's comforting for him)
For the few seconds looking at that door I had such a pang in my heart, like you can do this. Let him go. Think of earlier today. I need to let him grow up and this isn't helping anyone except for you because you crave him and his love.
I was strong and got my pillow, put on the news and was asleep by 11 pm. I woke up at 4 am every 5 minutes until 7 waiting for him and hoping he wasn't smothering under the blankets in his room.
Today has been one wonderful day of play for him. We have been playing with his cars, watching "Cars" and just being goofy. It's the least I could do after yesterday, last night, the past week. He needs Mommy to just get down with him and ignore the fact that he then took every pillow and blanket in my house and piled it down on my floor in my living room for a big play yard while watching movies of him as a baby.
Here's to holding on to that baby and welcoming the big boy in him and God Give me the strength to make the right decisions for him and being emotionally strong enough to get through each day.
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