Today I was torn about what to blog about. Matthew and I have had some busy last couple of weeks. My head has been spinning with all of the wonderful things we've done, wonderful things he says...wonderful memories and moments that I haven't had time to share.
But today took a different turn when the weather changed our plans this morning. We had plans with a meetup group that we are a part of to go to a park in Rhode Island. This park is only 1/2 hour to 45 minutes away.
When I mentioned to Matthew yesterday that we were going to this park and that we were meeting some moms there, with their children and that it is in Rhode Island, he was up for it. This morning though, he asked me if we were taking a plane. We have never taken a plane with him anywhere yet, so I thought this was funny. I think he is like mommy and still in jet lag frame of mind from our trip to PA and just thought he wasn't up for another long drive so he was hoping we would fly.
The weather today was around 58 degrees for June and drizzly. I had us out the door anyway figuring this park was by a local mall we go to and if it didn't work out, I had a return to do and we could go on some of the rides you put quarters in at this mall.
I talked to one mom on the phone on the way down and she wasn't going, so I told Matthew that we might meet her and her kids at another park on a nicer day. He was happy after I explained we were still going to the mall.
When we got to the parking garage, I gave him a step by step description of what we were going to do to avoid headaches later. I let him know we were returning an item, going to visit the dogs in the pet store and then the rides, but then we would leave to go home for lunch because it was still closer to breakfast time. In the past we have lunch there, but I just bought alot of groceries yesterday at home and we are trying to cut down on fast food. He was very understanding and assured me he would behave and be good.
And he was. He had a few little episodes in JCPenney running a few racks away and hiding under them, but it was mild for him so I let him because I could always hear or see him. I still tell him I don't like it especially when he says it is Hide & Seek and then takes off...but still mild enough for me to control by letting him know we were leaving that area and going to another floor.
When we got to the pet store, he was his usual excited wonderful self of not looking at any one dog longer than the other or for me to even read their breeds, and moving on to the hamsters, cocktails, ferrets etc at the speed of light.
Once we left that store, he wanted to go across the hall to another store that he had once been with Daddy. He was so excited that he forgot he already did this once before with me. Showing me incense, fog machines, candles running a few racks ahead of me. Every 10 seconds I am always yelling Matthew and his head will pop up from the next spot he is at. I did that in JCPenney as well. Next thing you know, I call his name...and he doesn't answer.
Remembering this now 9 hours later, it was like I was frozen in time, with my heart around my ankles. I called his name each time getting louder and more panicky and each time he didn't answer. What must have only been less than a minute but felt like eternity, he poked his head out from around the corner of another store and yelled to me "Come on Mommy!"
I walked out of that store and pulled him aside, got down eye to eye trying to remember Supernanny, and said in a calm voice "Do you know how much you just scared Mommy?" He put his hands over my mouth and then said "Mommy I see Mickey mouse-Disneyworld (Disney store)" I took his hands off of my mouth and said we are leaving now.
For the past 9 hours I have been going over and over in my mind how maybe because I am pmsing that I am over-reacting..but I'm not. After walking a very long distance back down the hallway and up the stairs and out to the car, the whole while with a very strong, emotionally upset 4 year old, throwing himself up against me and yelling he didn't want to leave. Every few steps. It was a long walk back. (he pulled this once before on me at this mall but not for the same reasons)
When he was about three years old, he did the exact same thing to me at a mall in a food court in PA where I had to carry him out kicking, screaming and yelling at me for not letting him then on the ride he had escaped to. I was hoping then I got the message across, but I knew he was too young.
He cried today the whole way home and finally in our town, calmed down enough to ask me to take him to the library. I let him know we were now still going home for lunch. Every once in a while there would be a whimper in the back seat. I don't know how I drove. I wanted to pull over and just scream and cry myself, but knew someone had to drive us home. When I knew he was calmed down enough to talk to him, I reminded him of all of those bad guys and bad ladies out there. I asked him if he knew any of the people we saw in the mall. He said "yes". He didn't.
When we got home, I talked to him again and let him know how much Mommy was afraid and how much Daddy and I would be heartbroken and lost without him. It really sucks that there are such bad people in this world. (I didn't use the word sucks with him - but still let him know how horrible it could be)
He then confused said to me "Mom, remember when I get lost I find a lady and tell her my name." I said "Honey, this is different, these are strangers, if you get lost from Mommy in a mall or anywhere else, you find a police man (not that I ever see them when you need them) or a lady that works in a store behind the counter and tell her your name and that you have lost your Mommy". It is so confusing for him and so scary. My husband agrees with me that I did the right thing, but thinks I should have thrown him over my shoulder to bring him out of the mall. The problem is my son is going on 45 lbs and wiggles and squirms just off of my hips. I tried and couldn't get more than a few inches, let alone how far I had to go.
A few hours later, Matthew was sitting at my table and out of the blue, nice and sweetly and softly said "Mommy, I sorry for leaving that store" (yeah...breakthrough) He then said to me I just wanted to see Mickey. I told him I know and that next time now he knows that he needs to stay in the store with me and tell me instead of running out without me.
I think I aged 20 years today. I pray for those moms and dads who have not been so lucky.
1 comment:
I had to leave a store with my girls once. It was unusual beacuse my husband is the one who generally lowers the boom. No, I said with finality, we're leaving. He said he could hold her, but I refused. We drove home with our daughter begging to be a girl. I sat silently sobbing, I hated every milisecond of the experience, but she learned. She reflects on that trip home whenever we plan a trip to a store, sharing how she won't be bad and make th trip end. It is in these moments of doubt, shame and sadness that we experience glimmers of why this is such a hard journey. Good for you for setting aside your natural instinct to simply hug and kiss and weep. You did the right thing, the hard thing in this case. My insides shook as I imagined your terror. So glad you have your sweet little boy safe with you.
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