Fantasy Friday - Another Fantasy Now A Reality

For years now I have dreaded Matthew playing in his own yard with little friends, because of how unsafe it is. Matthew is used to it being his own yard but Mommy is always a nervous wreck anyway due to us being on the lake and the yard not being fenced in or landscaped and safe to fall down on.

Today the twins came for a much missed out on play date. We were going to go to the beach across from us on the lake, but decided due to the weather we would have them come to play inside instead.

Well with a little hesitation at first by me, they went around back and played with Matthew's sand toys, next they were playing with his play set that Daddy is almost finished with. I brought out his kitchen set and table for his friends and with a little lunch in between, both kids and Mommy's had an awesome time!!!

I can't believe it has taken me this long to be able to sigh and sit down in my backyard on a chair and watch my son happily play with his friends. He was still my little wild Spiderman, but mostly he stayed within bounds and they all really played nice.

I can't wait to do it again.

Tomorrow Princess N is coming with her brother and we will be going to the zoo for a few hours, so Matthew is in his glory.

Three girls in 48 hours.

REMEMBER WHEN WEDNESDAY - RICK SPRINGFIELD

JUST THOUGHT I WOULD POST A LITTLE FUN MEMORY TODAY BEFORE HEADING OUT WITH MATTHEW.

HE GOT A BAD BOO BOO TODAY IN OUR DRIVEWAY SO I NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE MOMMY SMILE BEFORE HEADING OUT AND THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE IT!

K - I KNOW YOU ESPECIALLY WILL APPRECIATE IT!!

A few pics from Wonderful Franklin Park Zoo

I meant to post these the other day.

This so far is the best zoo in MA and RI, in my opinion.

We had a wonderful day spent as a family on Saturday and you never would know you were in Boston. In the zoo, not one Building or skyscraper could be seen.

Memories Are Made Of This

Last night I was thinking that we have been so busy having so much fun, that I don't have time to blog.

That was the whole point of my blog though - to create a memory for Matthew to reflect upon someday so I better get out of my funk and start writing again.

Another thing I have to do is get my camcorder fixed. There is something wrong with the volume control so when you are recording, you don't know if it is going to be a silent movie or if it is going to bring out the volume once recorded down.

This morning Matthew was jumping on my bed and I was listening to his little voice thinking I haven't recorded him in months due to my camcorder being broke. All the pictures and words by me won't mean a thing if we don't also have movies of him to show him later in life. That is one thing I really regret with my mom.

About 5 or 6 years ago, Eric and I took about 30 of my father's 8 mm's from the late 60's through 1980 and put them in order, then took background music of recordings done by my father and myself for most of the new movie and taped it into a VCR movie for my brothers, father and myself. I also used other music appropriate to the memories for the rest of the movie. It came out really beautiful. I have to have my hubby make them now into DVD's so we keep up with technology.

I'll never forget the first time watching them to the music. Due to them not having sound, the music made all the difference and with my father and myself singing in some parts, it made it so much more personalized.

Growing up with my mother's illness was extremely difficult for me and due to her illness and not being able to verbalize her love, what I witnessed in the movies gave me the feeling from her that I craved. When we put the music of my father and my recording to it, we didn't know how or what scenes were going with what song because I just used a CD that we had at the time and knew however it fit, it would be perfect.

The first films are my parents bridal shower, wedding and honeymoon and then we go to my first birthday. The first time I watched it, sitting on my couch, the music that started was my recording of me singing at my wedding "Wind Beneath My Wings" (that I sang to my mom that day). As soon as I started singing, my mother looking radiant and so fashionable at the time, reached down to me in my highchair and kissed me or stroked my arm and then gave me some cake. Watching her to me singing that song, is unbearable and since her passing last year, I haven't had the strength to watch it. The love she had was so clear and I knew now being a mom, that she considered me her lovebug as I do Matthew.

What I couldn't get in words from her in life due to her illness, I now have to music and I can witness it every time I watch the movie. That's why I am a fanatic with my blog, with my pictures and with my own memories of Matthew. I have to get that camcorder fixed because at least now in the movies I can talk to him and he will hear my voice.

And I will hear his.

Now I will post more about the memories we have been making tonight or tomorrow because again now I have spent too much time on here and we have another playdate today!! Yeah!!

Remember When Wednesday - Only a few months late

A few months ago around our anniversary I wanted to post pics from our wedding day, but didn't have them available online.

Now thanks to my dad, I do.

Ironically one of my bridesmaids called me today too.

And totally unrelated but funny by Matthew these days:

• While cropping the above picture he said "Mommy now put the RED EYE IN"

• For the last week, when getting frustrated over getting himself dressed or pulling on his pants, he'll say "Mommy I can't do it!!!" My mother used to always say to me (I guess I used to say I can't too) "Your an AMERICAN you CAN DO IT".....Matthew yells back "I'M AN AMERINOT!!!!!"

Luckily The Hamburglar, Grimmace and The Gang weren't there!!

You can tell by Matthew's expression that his first impression of Ronald was one of a leery nature.

And he was hoping the rest of the gang would be there.

He did come around about an hour later, yelling at the top of his lungs "RONALD THE DONALD!!!!!!!!!!"

With 500 other kids..

Mommy's tired. Two playdates in one day and now another one tomorrow...phew!! This week is flying by!

Manic Monday with A Mission - Mission Complete

I've mentioned in the past that we have lots of little girls around that Matthew has been lucky to have as friends.

Mommy has been on a mission for the past few years to find him a little friend that is a boy in the neighborhood or one close enough that he sees more than once a month. We have had no luck through moms groups or clubs in finding a friend for him to play with where Mommy makes a connection too.

The little boy up the street from us that we have invited twice to play hasn't worked out. The mother didn't take me up on the offer to have him come and get together to play. It breaks my heart and brings up alot of my own self esteem insecurities and makes it really hard for me to keep trying.

Last night though, after my son having another wonderful weekend with Mommy & Daddy, I decided enough is enough. I told Matthew that today first thing really early, we could either take a walk around our block and make a personal invitation to play and put it in someone's mail box and hopefully that would get a reply, we could go to another local playground hoping again today is the day or we could go to our beach on our lake and hope that there might be some moms and kids his age there that live nearby. He opted for my third suggestion, so I was on a mission.

This morning, first thing I let him know that if we are going to the beach today, we needed new sand toys and that first we would go and get those and then come home and change and drive to the beach.

While out, we noticed signs for a carnival coming up and when I told Matthew about it, he mentioned that "maybe the new friends at the beach would want to go". I said, "That's a great idea!"

We went to the beach and there was one woman on the beach with one little boy in the water. He ran up to him and immediately started playing with him. The woman sitting was joined by another woman who wound up being the mother of both of them. An hour later, best buddies they've become and Matthew is yelling to the Mom on the beach "Do you want to go to the carnival?" She said "YES!" Mommy is very happy because they seem so nice and we have a few things in common which helps. They are very down to earth and we not only have plans now for the carnival, but McDonalds (Ronald is going to be there) and two more beach days planned. All in one week!! Yeah!!!!!!!!

Sorry...can't hold back my excitement. The mom is a few years older than me and she's looking for mom's in the area too to go to dinner with or get together with.

We are also expecting our long lost friends from RI tomorrow for another playdate at noon so Matthew is going to have a great week. And that means Mommy will have a great week. And if Mommy has a great week, Daddy has a great week...and the wheel just keeps turning and turning....

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BABE

Well, I might b* & Moan sometimes, but one thing I could never complain about is your being the best dad for my son. I always knew you would and now to see Matthew enjoying life with you going fishing and now eating steak, I am so happy for you.

You deserve every happiness and every loving moment. And now you can reflect on your blessings, while drinking coffee on your PATIO SET.

Happy Father's Day Babe..............I love you!

xoxox

FANTASY FRIDAY - BECOMING REALITY

Well I hope I don't jinx us, but today Fantasy is becoming REALITY!!!!

For the past few years since we moved back into our house, we have been making do with the above patio set. Eric has been holding out for a teak one but being on a single income, we have had to wait and pray and keep checking craigslist until now.

Teak is way more expensive than we can handle, so this is the only way we could do it. Tables alone sell for 1K and up not including chairs, umbrellas, stands and cushions.

I am happy to say that for Father's Day, Mommy found the set above with a table and 2 more chairs for a really wonderful deal. Of course, free or a little less would be better, but we'll take it considering the last time I found one at a deal was a year ago and we missed out on it. The quality of the set will hold out and will make the expense worth it. It is 3 years old and already a little silvered so it has that Cape Cod feel.

I am so happy to finally have this happen. I've been really hoping we could start entertaining on our deck and now we have the seats for others to finally join us. It is a great father's day gift that I know Eric is going to have many years enjoying dinners overlooking the lake.

Tomorrow we are expecting our long lost friends from RI so it will be just in time and I can't think of anyone better to experience our set with and hopefully it will be the start of many, many more get togethers with friends old and new.

Night And Day - DAY ONE AGAIN IN BIG BOY BED

As my father would sing....night and day.....

Today is the total opposite of yesterday. Thank God. It started with Matthew sleeping the whole night again in his own room in his own Spiderman bed.

When he was about ten months old, before we did the addition, we started the habit of co-sleeping. It was and remained for four years my worst addiction of attached parenting.

It's funny because before he was born, I swore that my kid would never wind up in our bed like my nieces and nephews or friends kids. But then comes a little ten month child with a cold and a drafty old house with windows that were useless 100 feet from a lake, and my tune changed. All it took was once for me to bring him into our bed and I was addicted. The comfort and coziness of his little body, watching him sleep and just being that close to God's miracle, I gave up every night of my life (with a few exceptions) since then to be next to him. I figured that in most European countries and even in America until the early part of the last century, most families couldn't afford more than one bed and still find this acceptable.

The first time Matthew was in our bed, the crib was in my room right up against my bed and I did it for support of his head due to his breathing and a cold. After a week, I put him back in his crib. For his first birthday he woke up with his first (and only) ear infection and that put him back with us to where he never wanted any part of his crib after that. At 18 months when we moved out of our house into an apartment while doing construction on our house, it was just easier for us and him do to the hectiness of our life to keep him in our bed. When we moved back into our house in May 2005, I bought the cutest bed set for his now full size bed that Daddy got him and it would work for a week here and there. But all it would take would be one more cold, one more visit from Grandpa or his Uncle to give up his bed, and he would be back with us.

Each time it has gotten harder and harder on Mommy to let go. It doesn't help when he tells Daddy that he wants Mommy because she's warm and cuddly. I have been a wuss since day one. I watch the supernanny and wish she could come just for the night time to help me enforce him in his room. Ever since day one, when he would cry I have been a wuss. The first time they gave him a bath in the NICU he screamed and I wanted to punch the nurse in the face for making my baby cry. I have always been overly sensitive and this doesn't help when you are a new mom. The few times I did try the Ferber method, he would cry to get himself so sick in his belly and poop so I would then have to change his diaper (because I wouldn't let him sleep in it), he knew once Mommy picked him up again it was all over. I was tired and alone being the only one to deal with it, it became easier on me to just cuddle and except that little body wanting me instead of turn it away. I know now that it wasn't turning him away but would have made him a stronger little person.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but when he was born, I wasn't ready due to him surprising us 2 months early. In hindsight, I feel God put those nurses in the NICU for me to show me what to do once he got home. I wouldn't have had a clue! They really are a blessing. Every one of them warned me not to hold him so much, saying if you do it now, you'll be doing it later and then he'll be sleeping with you. I said, "That's ridiculous"...

I'm sorry Nurse Judy, Nurse Ellen and the others...hehe

So with a few sporadic moments here and there over the past four years, Matthew has probably slept by himself a total of one year. Counting NICU, Crib Days at home and the few months we've had success in his big boy bed over the past two years.

Tuesday night we tried again. Mommy falls asleep with him (next habit - I'm trying -One step at a time). He woke up about 3 am and came in our room. We don't have down the pick him back up part because we both are exhausted.

Last night though...Mommy fell asleep with him around 9:00 and he slept all the way til 7:11 am. in his own room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best part then was when he came in to my bed, kissed me on the lips, put his head on my pillow as I was saying "What a big boy!!!!" he looked into my eyes and said "YEP! (ALL MACHO) love you Mommy!!! What time are you coming down?" I said "I'll be right there.

sniff....snif.... Last night when I came to bed, he had fallen asleep in his room with my pillow. It is worn out and like a teddy bear to me and he loves it. I had to sleep with it. I stood in my doorway looking at his bedroom door and thinking should I just sneak in there with him under the covers to ensure he'll sleep the night? Should I just replace my pillow with another one quietly so he doesn't roll off of his full size bed? (it's on the floor but with him being used to us on either side of him, it's comforting for him)

For the few seconds looking at that door I had such a pang in my heart, like you can do this. Let him go. Think of earlier today. I need to let him grow up and this isn't helping anyone except for you because you crave him and his love.

I was strong and got my pillow, put on the news and was asleep by 11 pm. I woke up at 4 am every 5 minutes until 7 waiting for him and hoping he wasn't smothering under the blankets in his room.

Today has been one wonderful day of play for him. We have been playing with his cars, watching "Cars" and just being goofy. It's the least I could do after yesterday, last night, the past week. He needs Mommy to just get down with him and ignore the fact that he then took every pillow and blanket in my house and piled it down on my floor in my living room for a big play yard while watching movies of him as a baby.

Here's to holding on to that baby and welcoming the big boy in him and God Give me the strength to make the right decisions for him and being emotionally strong enough to get through each day.

Remember When Wednesday - When you were little enough for me to protect

Today I was torn about what to blog about. Matthew and I have had some busy last couple of weeks. My head has been spinning with all of the wonderful things we've done, wonderful things he says...wonderful memories and moments that I haven't had time to share.

But today took a different turn when the weather changed our plans this morning. We had plans with a meetup group that we are a part of to go to a park in Rhode Island. This park is only 1/2 hour to 45 minutes away.

When I mentioned to Matthew yesterday that we were going to this park and that we were meeting some moms there, with their children and that it is in Rhode Island, he was up for it. This morning though, he asked me if we were taking a plane. We have never taken a plane with him anywhere yet, so I thought this was funny. I think he is like mommy and still in jet lag frame of mind from our trip to PA and just thought he wasn't up for another long drive so he was hoping we would fly.

The weather today was around 58 degrees for June and drizzly. I had us out the door anyway figuring this park was by a local mall we go to and if it didn't work out, I had a return to do and we could go on some of the rides you put quarters in at this mall.

I talked to one mom on the phone on the way down and she wasn't going, so I told Matthew that we might meet her and her kids at another park on a nicer day. He was happy after I explained we were still going to the mall.

When we got to the parking garage, I gave him a step by step description of what we were going to do to avoid headaches later. I let him know we were returning an item, going to visit the dogs in the pet store and then the rides, but then we would leave to go home for lunch because it was still closer to breakfast time. In the past we have lunch there, but I just bought alot of groceries yesterday at home and we are trying to cut down on fast food. He was very understanding and assured me he would behave and be good.

And he was. He had a few little episodes in JCPenney running a few racks away and hiding under them, but it was mild for him so I let him because I could always hear or see him. I still tell him I don't like it especially when he says it is Hide & Seek and then takes off...but still mild enough for me to control by letting him know we were leaving that area and going to another floor.

When we got to the pet store, he was his usual excited wonderful self of not looking at any one dog longer than the other or for me to even read their breeds, and moving on to the hamsters, cocktails, ferrets etc at the speed of light.

Once we left that store, he wanted to go across the hall to another store that he had once been with Daddy. He was so excited that he forgot he already did this once before with me. Showing me incense, fog machines, candles running a few racks ahead of me. Every 10 seconds I am always yelling Matthew and his head will pop up from the next spot he is at. I did that in JCPenney as well. Next thing you know, I call his name...and he doesn't answer.

Remembering this now 9 hours later, it was like I was frozen in time, with my heart around my ankles. I called his name each time getting louder and more panicky and each time he didn't answer. What must have only been less than a minute but felt like eternity, he poked his head out from around the corner of another store and yelled to me "Come on Mommy!"

I walked out of that store and pulled him aside, got down eye to eye trying to remember Supernanny, and said in a calm voice "Do you know how much you just scared Mommy?" He put his hands over my mouth and then said "Mommy I see Mickey mouse-Disneyworld (Disney store)" I took his hands off of my mouth and said we are leaving now.

For the past 9 hours I have been going over and over in my mind how maybe because I am pmsing that I am over-reacting..but I'm not. After walking a very long distance back down the hallway and up the stairs and out to the car, the whole while with a very strong, emotionally upset 4 year old, throwing himself up against me and yelling he didn't want to leave. Every few steps. It was a long walk back. (he pulled this once before on me at this mall but not for the same reasons)

When he was about three years old, he did the exact same thing to me at a mall in a food court in PA where I had to carry him out kicking, screaming and yelling at me for not letting him then on the ride he had escaped to. I was hoping then I got the message across, but I knew he was too young.

He cried today the whole way home and finally in our town, calmed down enough to ask me to take him to the library. I let him know we were now still going home for lunch. Every once in a while there would be a whimper in the back seat. I don't know how I drove. I wanted to pull over and just scream and cry myself, but knew someone had to drive us home. When I knew he was calmed down enough to talk to him, I reminded him of all of those bad guys and bad ladies out there. I asked him if he knew any of the people we saw in the mall. He said "yes". He didn't.

When we got home, I talked to him again and let him know how much Mommy was afraid and how much Daddy and I would be heartbroken and lost without him. It really sucks that there are such bad people in this world. (I didn't use the word sucks with him - but still let him know how horrible it could be)

He then confused said to me "Mom, remember when I get lost I find a lady and tell her my name." I said "Honey, this is different, these are strangers, if you get lost from Mommy in a mall or anywhere else, you find a police man (not that I ever see them when you need them) or a lady that works in a store behind the counter and tell her your name and that you have lost your Mommy". It is so confusing for him and so scary. My husband agrees with me that I did the right thing, but thinks I should have thrown him over my shoulder to bring him out of the mall. The problem is my son is going on 45 lbs and wiggles and squirms just off of my hips. I tried and couldn't get more than a few inches, let alone how far I had to go.

A few hours later, Matthew was sitting at my table and out of the blue, nice and sweetly and softly said "Mommy, I sorry for leaving that store" (yeah...breakthrough) He then said to me I just wanted to see Mickey. I told him I know and that next time now he knows that he needs to stay in the store with me and tell me instead of running out without me.

I think I aged 20 years today. I pray for those moms and dads who have not been so lucky.

Manic Two Weeks instead of Manic Monday?

But they have been awesome. Sorry to all 2 of you out there that missed me.

Last Tuesday around 4 pm, we as a family started to our trek to PA. Daddy slept at Grandpa's house with us but then headed down to King Of Prussia and later Edison, NJ with work. He returned to us on Saturday night after some fun filled crazy days for Mommy and Matthew.

I will blog more later. Today is my unwinding jet lag feeling day of cleaning my house, unpacking etc. etc.

I am posting some pics here that tell a little story behind my little man and our family trip. I don't know what was wrong with my camera this trip. A lot of pics I took look like I was drunk. Ironically, Matthew's pics came out better then mine. scary i know...

Enjoy!

PS...funny thing these days by Matthew: When he gets mad at Eric or myself he calls us(yelling) YOU DOODLE DONALD DUCK!!!!

Fantasy Friday - I wish Life Would always be this simple

This morning my lovebug is in an ever lovin buggy mood. I love mornings like this where all he does is tell us how much he loves us, gives us unbelievable amount of kisses and hugs and is so silly (almost goofy silly). He gets a kick out of himself when he's being silly now. It is the most precious thing to watch. He has a belly laugh when he tries to laugh at himself being silly. You can't help but smile being around him when he is this way.

If you look at the picture he is cutting up paper into little pieces. The first time I gave him scissors he loved them. He could just cut paper into tiny pieces for hours. I'm tempted to spend a whole day that way, but I don't have it in me. As long as he is doing something craft related, he is happy.

The piece of paper he cut, he asked me for a piece of tape. He looked in our junk drawer and I heard him yell "DUCK TAPE". (Daddy's little boy) I said "No Honey, use regular scotch tape." He said "Mommy, help me wrap up this present." I said, "Present? Ok." (I thought it was just a little wad of scrunched up paper) After I helped put the tape around this little piece of paper, he said "Now OPEN YOUR PRESENT MOMMY!!" Princess N is coming tonight for the weekend, so I thought him being in the typical mood a man would be in when he hasn't seen the love of his life in a month, that he was making the present for her (because he would). I opened the little piece of paper and wrapped inside this little green piece was mysteriously hidden from me, a ORANGE CRAYON!!! I told him that I ALWAYS WANTED AN ORANGE CRAYON.

He hugged and kissed me and then made me a beautiful card with a whale on it, a submarine and some sea otters and other fish using a blue marker.

Now he is sitting next to me tapping his feet and singing and climbing on my kitchen counters and we have errands to run...so catch ya later.