MATTHEW AKA BABY SWAN'S 5TH GRADE GYM SHOW

Tomorrow night is finally almost here, only waited 5 years to FINALLY BE IN THE 5TH GRADE GYM SHOW Yeah! Yesterday he got off the bus humming into the house, and said guess what we did today? I said "what?" Nothing but rehearsal for the gym show !!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! but I am a little wheezy had to have my inhaler with the nurse, I don't think I can do the baseball game, (after me talking to him calmly that maybe tonight will better than the last game that every day every moment is different I would appreciate it if he tried) okay Mom I will:-) (He wound up making contact, catching balls and I think he said getting someone out)

This morning he said I will be riding a goat at the gym show tomorrow ...I asked "a real goat?" No mom a pretend one........I then asked what song will be playing when this happens and I believe this is what he said thought he said ESCAPE (in my head this week) but it was U2's 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HYTaY0eSLg

Where to begin, but I will always THANK GOD FOR MY MIRACLE

I need to do this, yet my brain heart and soul is like a volcano constantly erupting.  During my last post in 2012 it talks about loss and basic issues of relationship problems that we were going through, last summer my doctor said due to my right hand that I fell on in the summer of 2011, we needed to rule out HD (my mom's illness) before I could even consider filing for disability, the fact alone that I had to consider it was a hard one, that alone with marital issues and still loving and smiling and hugging my son when he gets off the bus each day, still balancing my family in PA driving into make that balance.  In December my face briefly started to feel funny around my mouth area when I talk.  The appt with the neurologist at Mass General was booking three months ahead and so with that knowledge stressful yet never ever believing it was HD,  The appt in January was basically with the neurologist, who saw signs and ordered the blood test right then, and we waited until March 19th for the results.  In January E admitted he had seen signs to the doctor yet only during an argument with me a year prior did this come out, but he was taking notes of my symptoms that he said were for the doctor.  As soon as we heard he believed I had it, and ordered the blood test, both of our worlds collided and we held hands so tight we hadn't held like that ever........the tightness of no, silently screaming, our son would be at risk if this was positive, our son who just in late 90's this same place said you aren't showing signs now live your life, don't be tested Live!  We at the time went through IVF this was a year before embryo testing was available, and at the time we were so full of love and life and dreams and our son or daughter would find the cure, and our child by then there will be a cure, I still don't regret My son, he is my blood in my veins and my heart beat reason for breathing every memory over the past twelve years is still in a big lump in my throat now......  We got the positive results back now three weeks ago, and I have still can not fathom this is real for me, the mom who loves her son so much for the life of dreams we created and love.   I still can't verbalize it to my family over the phone even, other than that first day, that 300 miles is killing me now but everyday with M is all I can think about.  My speech is slurred, I am 12 years into this already through the neurological part two years into the physical, which brings us back to the last post,  I have a small gait and my hand is horrible so one breath at a time...  For someone who loves her family so much I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone and share just to have other's use this maybe to know the reality, not for pity, but for continued love to those I loved and love my son the most and to just be there for him he is now at the preteen age and I just want my son's happiness health and a CURE........

Losses

Well, this year has been a bad one for us in many way's.  Matthew really learned loss this year, more than when he was 3 visiting Grandma P.  This year started New Year's weekend with the loss of his Uncle, his sweet cousin's Daddy, and he witnessed the pain in a family expressing emotion over the loss of that loved one. He saw his other cousins express themselves with poems and prayers and witnessed that expression. 

The next weekend, he witnessed me in pain over the loss of my Uncle J. who would be buried in PA, and he said I can't do another funeral mommy...it's too sad...I went myself to be with my father during the loss of his brother.

The following few months he witnessed loss in me again, of my Aunt L. in NJ, who was blessed to live to her 90's..and I couldn't make the trip due to him in school that week, but loss in me again he witnessed..

Last year around Labor Day, a flood hit the Susquehanna river in PA right where all of my family on both sides pretty much live.  Within the same blocks, I have both sides of my family next door neighbors to each other, or a few streets away, or two towns away but in proximity to this river and what it did, they were all hit.  Some worse than others.  My Aunt Sissy, who was my mom's last living sibling, her older sister and my alli in life, I have so many wonderful memories with her, regardless due to the flood for her safety, she was put in a nursing home and eventually passed away this summer.  Matthew loved her, and he again witnessed this pain again being far away, but this time the service was more a celebration of her life, so he joined me in that moment.  He is my little rock..and at the same time, we made memories.  Staying at Grandpa's house as usual, but went on day trips or visited his cousin's, my nieces.  We even fit in the drive-in's with my brother J, just because we only had a week, and I believe in letting him be 9.  I believe in making those memories, even mixed with sad ones..He learned about butterflies being a sign from a loved one that passed, he found one along a creek, among others that week, and to me he was learning life, good bad, and moments of smiling.

In August, Grandpa had a stroke.  He witnessed Mommy again having absolutely no trouble other than shaking from the shock of it, get in that car and head to PA.  His Dad took vacation time, during this last week of summer to stay with him, and he again witnessed this time over the phone, mommy going through loss, despair, trying sometimes to sound upbeat for that first week he was in the ICU, not knowing what is happening, not knowing what will happen, or the future, shaking still.. He adores his Grandpa, but this time, not knowing what is happening, we thought it best for him to stay here and be a child, doing things that he loves such as tubing, fishing, going to the beach.  My father is now paralyzed on his right side, and he is right handed, since that first week he has been in rehab, and he can walk with the help of therapists, but the rest has not come back.  My father is a very active father, man, Grandpa and all of this change, is something that is hard for me to deal with let alone my 9 year old son.  We pray everyday for him, we have pictures around the house showing memories of how many more memories we want with him. 

Labor Day weekend, Matthew and I had another huge loss, my sweet cousin Donnie.  He was in a hit and run accident in PA, while on a motorcycle, him and his girlfriend.  If there are soul mates for cousin's Donnie was it, he was more like my brother the past few years through Facebook we connected, on more than one level, including music and love of life, memories and wishing happiness for the other.  He was someone I could count on, and Matthew loved him.  We went with Donnie last summer to this place with waterfalls, and just a great summer adventure, he also took Matthew kayaking and was a great mentor to him.  Matthew would write on his wall telling him he rocked..

So all of these traumatic events, alone by themselves add up to one tough year for my son.  And we both have learned that the distance really hits the worst while loving those 300 miles away, especially at times of loss and need. 

There is alot more pain to this story, but I out of respect for my son, will not post about it...he has had a tough year...and all I have control over is loving him, and being there for him.  That will never change.

MOMMY YOU HAVE A WEBSITE ABOUT ME...

Well my now 4th grader, yesterday I said, "Remember my blog?"  He didn't...so I opened it up and showed him... and he thought me having a website all about him, was cool...........

So being that my biggest fan in my life, is okay with this told him that not only on facebook will I share with the world my love for him, but here...

He signed up for saxophone in music class this year.  He is so excited and thinks it is so cool to take the bus with his instrument.  He asked me the other day if I was ever in band, and I explained that when we were in elementry school there was no instruments, but in middle school I took flute and violin and in high school I was on the dance team that went out at half time with the band, so I couldn't do both. 

This morning, he woke me up for school, so excited that today was music day!! He went to the bus 10 minutes earlier, and would have went 30 minutes earlier if I let him...

Grandpa had a stroke a few weeks ago, so there has been alot of "stuff" going on lately for this little 9 year old to deal with and being far away, and watching his mom struggle with it all has been hard on him.

For now, we will take the good moments of music days!

Over TWO YEARS LATER

sigh...........

one thing I can say with affirmation is that I'M STILL BLESSED TO BE MATTHEWS MOM

I'm still Mama Swan because to me swan's love is forever...and for that I WILL ALWAYS BE BLESSED..

Saturday...okay got that right? LOL

Today I was able to sleep in til 10 am..and am so thankful, being I went out last night with some mom's to celebrate a really good friend's birthday. I left early. I'm always so tired. I feel like maybe if someone could let me sleep for a week, I will have caught up on all the sleep I missed over the past 8 years, since I got pregnant.

Matthew and Eric went out to play in the snow today. Matthew received a really cool snowball maker as a birthday gift, that he had been dying to use. Thank you God that the cold weather doesn't bother Eric, the way it bothers me. I always feel it in my bones, and am always cold, no matter how bundled I get.

Tomorrow is Valentines day. When I married Papa Swan I told him, that due to us being married so close to this holiday, that my real valentine's day is our anniversary. I told Matthew the other night at dinner, that Mommy married my valentine and that is why my anniversary is more important than the day 4 days before. Although I also told him, that since he has been born, he is also my valentine and for him, the day is special. He was the most wonderful valentine's / anniversary present that first year. And continues to be, everything to me, that no holiday or card could ever come close to representing.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone that is celebrating it with ones that you love. Love in itself is definitely a reason for a celebration, and should last more than one day a year. Otherwise, it's kind of hypocritical, or doesn't feel as special, due to anyone can make a difference for one day in some one's life....it's all those days in between though that matter.

Today's Friday, yesterday wasn't Remember When Wednesday!! LOL

Okay, not only do I stay away for a long time, but when going to type my title today being Thankful Thursday, it hit me!! I am so off right now:-)

I am happy though this morning. Just got back from Shaws and nothing starts my day better than Matthew's voice, then Tastycake Butterscotch Krimpets at my local store. I know they have been up here in MA for awhile now, but to get my favorites so close, finally!! And to have it with my French Vanilla coffee, you know it's going to be a good day.

I had to run a few errands this morning, because today in school Matthew's first grade class will be singing to him Happy Birthday along with some Valentine partying at the same time.

It is also Pajama Day, little things make us so happy in this world. Matthew gets to wear his new pajamas from Aunt K with Anakin Skywalker, Yoda and Hans Solo on them. He is one happy little guy.

He is continuing to impress me every day and I could type til the end of the earth about all that he is amazing at, but trying to move forward and not so much catch up with the past year.

At this time though, he loves anything Lego's, and of course the Wii, he aces at every game he does and makes my playing of the old Nintendo or Atari, look really pathetic. I was good at them though at the time. When my father had his pizza place when I was 14, he would give out 6 free slices to anyone who could beat my score on the Donkey Kong game he had there.

Matthew though takes everything to a whole other level. He still looks at the world like a sponge!! Yesterday in school he came home with a paper with two faces made out of black construction paper, that were Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. I told him that when Mommy was a girl, our teacher put the projector on the wall, so we could trace out those faces. He said "Mommy they don't do that anymore, we just trace the face onto the paper"...that was back in the old days....

He loves math, and is getting better at reading, more so when he hasn't had a long day already. He was given a wonderful gift of Treasure Island and read it for his first official book (with my help) for a project we have with the town and the school. This week we read another wonderful book by our friend along with one from his library.

He has been acing his spelling tests every week, and it reminds me of how much I loved spelling and still love reading. The next book we will read next week while on school vacation, is close to my heart.

In the 4th grade, my teacher would read to us My Side Of The Mountain . I don't know if it is because I had the biggest crush on this teacher, as he read and would pop his bubblicious bubble gum over his mustache, but when he read this book, it has stayed with me my whole life.

In my early 20's, I got the paperback of this book and re-read it. A few years ago, I got the movie version so Matthew could get the love of this little boy, with his pet peregrine falcon, in this tree in the woods. He loved it. I have been so waiting for this moment when I can now, share with him my book and we will re-read it together.

Ironically due to us living on the lake, we have wonderful wildlife and birds all around us. About a month ago, Matthew came home from school. I have his desk set up right in what would be the dining room, against a window, for light and as I was leaning over him, I thought some kind of shadowy figures flew outside the window, huge ones and maybe was our blue heron. I inched my way, down my house which is all windows and peeked out and on one branch on my neighbors tree, there sat a little above us two Red Tailed Hawks . I motioned quietly for Matthew to come over, and called my neighbor hoping they had a camera. They eventually flew away, but the wing span was incredible.

Ironically, my love of My Side Of The Mountain, has this inner boy in me, this love of things that I feel when I see them especially with my son with me to witness them with me. It's like we are living, and experiencing the amazingness of this world together and it is one amazing journey.

I miss him huge now that he is in school all day. I am so looking forward to next week when he has winter vacation and we have chances to bond more, with more memories. We are so far going to this SEE science center we went to a few years ago, that we know now he will appreciate so much more with their incredible Lego display of the whole town of Manchester, NH.

Well, have to get off now, so I can get in that shower, and get to his school later.

The bestest Lazer Tag/Climbing/Sliding/token for game party ever!! Happy 7th Birthday Matthew!!

more pictures to come

Remember When Wednesday!! What's wrong with me??? Posting almost one year later

I am a horrible person, letting FB consume my life. I have been away so long, that it has almost been like a loss to me..afraid to even look at my old love because I have been unfaithful...and it's true. I have missed my blog so much.

Ironically a few weeks ago, my miracle's birthday was coming up and I googled searched the words Jedi cakes. I was hoping for a Mario cake this year, but still looking for images and ideas..and guess what popped up first on the search.

So Blessed To Be Matthew's Mom In MA pictures from last years Star Wars Party....It stopped me short and took my breath, and then I had to click on it...and that was it. I couldn't at the time let myself back in, because I had to stay focused on my mission of planning his party and have enough distractions, but it has been calling to me ever since.

Today on FB, I accidentally was looking up an old high school class near mine, looking for an old girlfriend of mine...when I saw an ex-boyfriend's name with a picture of his son...I clicked on it, due to how cute his little boy is now. His wife has a blog, and I let myself into her and his world, and felt so guilty for not sharing over the past year again about my own blessing.

I am hoping to get back into this again. Matthew asked me the other day if I had a diary. I told him, "Remember Mommy's blog honey, that is my diary, that is my heart and soul, my journal."

There is too much to catch up again, so for now, one day at a time again. My mother will be gone almost 4 years on the 25th of February and I will be heading home for her mass, to attend with my dad. I miss her more than humanly possible to ever put into words.

Remember When Wednesday - After You Do Your Things, Thank You God For My Miracle

Today I was going to go back and reflect on past memories for my Wednesday theme, but realized there have been some funny moments by my little guy lately that Mama Swan has been slacking on sharing about.

We have this routine at night before bed. Due to Matthew still sleeping with us (I know horrible mom that I am), still co-sleeping, anyway we have this routine.

Matthew will get dressed for bed, brush his teeth and then we or I will read him a story. Whenever it is time for Papa Swam do depart, whether after the story or before if he is busy, Matthew has for the past two years said "Daddy, After You Do Your Things, You Sleep With Me?"

Of which Daddy says "Yes and I love you" and kisses him and leaves the room.

Every night since his birth, I have said out loud to Him "Thank You God For My Miracle." Over the past year, Matthew has replied "Thank You God For My Miracle" and tells me he loves me and kisses me goodnight.

About a month ago, I had a girls night out with my friend Twins Mom. Matthew was on the couch, and yelled to me as I was heading out the door "After You Do Your Things You Sleep With Me?" Of which I dropped to the floor kissing and hugging him for his sweetness, and then he said "Thank You God For My Miracle, I love you Mommy."

Talk about dropping me to my knees. Yeah, I'm in love.

Horoscopes, reflecting, friends and the joy they bring no matter how you keep in touch

That other website I belong to, the one I've become distracted by and addicted to the past oh..six months, has been a blessing in more ways than one.

For the past few years, I have blogged and hoped I would make connections in addition to my own spiritual therapy of sharing, really hoped more for someone to say, "me too."

The other site, has kept me in touch with my relatives and even one of my father's brother's, my cousins that usually I only see once a year and the time flies by and you wish it was longer.

It has also made my already formed friendships stronger and more of a consistent basis, which is what you need in life, to keep a sense of humor, a sense that you are not alone and a sense of well being in more than just sharing about Matthew, in sharing about you, as the human being you are who needs social involvement to stay human.

My Carebear refuses to join this site, yet has always remained in my heart and soul. She has always emailed me or called me, right around the time when I was thinking of her - but because I am an idiot with the phone, I've not been there for her the way she needs me to be.

I'm a horrible example sometimes of a friend. I know what I need in a relationship, yet when it comes time for me to splitting up myself between everyone that wants a piece of me, and that I also need a piece of...there is nothing left over...and it's not fair and it also doesn't make her any less of a friend in my heart.

My horoscope on that site, has been dead on since I joined. Today though, I think it is off a day.

It says: Conversations have a particularly emotional, intimate, or nostalgic tone. Sharing memories and reminiscences, or discussing a very personal topic is likely now. You may have a significant communication (email, phone call, or personal discussion with someone who was once very important to you or with whom you have a long history. This is a good time to reflect, review, and get a perspective on emotional matters or things of the past.

So, with that said, yesterday Carebear sent me an email while I was getting re-acquainted with my blog and said "Guess who I ran into" and in the next 24 hours connected me with another wonderful childhood friend and both shared the most beautiful photo's and updates on their lives.

It isn't important how we keep in touch, because the memories in our hearts are what hold us together...but sharing and keeping up is essential to letting us all know that yeah..we do care, we do still hold that bond that we formed so many years ago.

I love them!

Bad Mama Swan Blogger..bad..bad..bad..

I can not believe it has been another almost two months since my last post..

Most of it has been due to no news is good news..and typical busy everyday life more keeping up with my friends and family on a daily basis, instead of the world in my mind....

Yet, something keeps pulling me back...Mother's day, my pain in my shoulder calcified fragment in my bursa of my right rotator cuff has kept me from here the past week...As Papa Swan is saying "Mama Swan hurt her wing."

Now that I have somewhat limited movement again...I feel like what if I couldn't type or share my thoughts of my son with the world...nothing is more painful to me, then not being able to express myself.

So, with that said, I am going to get back to sharing on a more weekly basis again..for my sake, for my memories of what I hope someday my almost first grader will understand why Mama would type on the computer every day!

I am still in awe...and this week will be my second chance to volunteer in his kindergarten class to see him in his element with teachers and friends and their well oiled machine of a class room schedule that is really wonderful to witness.

Later this week, for special person's day, Papa Swan will be the guest of honor and will get to witness Matthew in gym class.

Then the weekend is already Memorial Weekend, which to me is unfathomable. Where did the past two months go?

Bruins, Maple Sugar Trip and Spring Robin, Oh My...

Last night, Papa Swan was wonderfully given two tickets to see the Boston Bruins play against the Los Angelas Kings. The seats were awesome and Matthew got his first taste of Professional Ice Hockey right up and close, only a few rows behind the Bruins players.

I am hoping to post some pictures later of their father/son moment.

This morning we were all excited. Not only is today the First Day Of Spring, which in my mind should be a National Holiday, but it was also Matthew's Maple Sugaring Season field trip.

He will learn how the tree function changes through the seasons and observe tools used from Native American to Colonial to Modern Day and then get to taste the different tastes between the sap and the syrup.

We started the day, with a visit while waiting for the school bus, from the biggest fattest Robin on a tree branch near where we were standing. It was the only one around..and it landed near us, chirping away. I asked Mrs. (assumed pregnant already due to the size of the belly) Robin, where did you go for the winter? We were so happy to see that robin!

And so far, it is the only one around, from other friends - we are the only one's...hmmm. Sign of spring, I think so!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

My Leprechaun was looking forward to a good day at school today, wondering if the leprechaun from last year in preschool would again visit his school and leave some gold glitter footprints around.

Last night, Eric taped Matthew playing his acoustic guitar along with Metallica's Whiskey In The Jar and Enter Sandman. It was the Irish guitar playing performance of a lifetime. I am hoping one of these days to share some moments from the video..baby steps...one thing at a time.

Enjoy your day and don't drink too much green beer!

We So Can't Wait For Spring to Officially Come Next WEEK!!- Matthew's LONGEST BASEBALL GAME EVER!

Matthew has had a cough since Monday. Over the weekend, the temperatures were warmer, so then typical New England weather the next day it will be freezing!

We are so ready for this long winter to be done, for more reasons than one.

It has been tough being housebound and the moment the sun comes out and the temperatures rise, the music gets turned up and you can just feel the change in the air, in the house...it's like we all breathe a sigh of relief...............aaahhhhhhhhh we made it! We survived again!

Then it gets cold again the next day, and Mama Swan can barely type and move her body due to her limbs being frozen all the time.

I am sick of wearing sweats and sweaters!! I wish the warm weather lasted a lot longer.

I know this sounds like a complaining blog..but really it's not. I'm just waiting for my fingers to warm up so I can blog more.

On a warmer note, one sign of spring is baseball season. The other day, I got an email from another mom, wanting me to register Matthew for the longest game ever. It is a 36 hour game that is being played in our town and to register him for free, it created the most awesome fundraising and proud mommy moment for me. It created a page with Matthew's picture, and his name was scattered throughout the page. I am copying some of it to protect our identity but still with sharing this awesome moment for my little T-Ball player:

TOP FUND-RAISING INCENTIVE PRIZE LUNCH WITH CURT SCHILLING Each player who raises $250 will be invited to a pizza lunch featuring Red Sox great, CURT SCHILLING. Curt will sign autographs, share stories and pose for pictures with the kids. The TOP 32 overall fund-raisers will get to sit at CURT'S table during lunch!


On the weekend of June 6 and 7 all 800 ____Massachusetts youth baseball and softball players including Matthew will attempt to set the WORLD RECORD for the longest baseball game ever played, 36 hours!

The event will take place in ____, Massachusetts at the __Complex.

Every player from each team will participate in the event.

The Longest Baseball Game will begin at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday June 6 and end 36 hours later, at 8:00 p.m. on Sunday, June 7.

The current world record for the Longest Baseball Game is 32 hours 29 minutes 25 seconds set October 13-14, 2007 in St. Louis, Mo.

In order for this event to be a success we need your help.

Please consider contributing towards Matthew's personal fund-raising goal. We're offering great incentive prizes for Matthew including a great top fund-raising prize to be announced soon!

Our goal is to raise $100,000 to distribute to charities that include the local DARE program, and March of Dimes. The entire game will be broadcast on the Internet at___.

The exact time of Matthew's game will be posted on the home page soon so you can listen to Matthew help set a WORLD RECORD!

Thank you for your support!

NOW, HOW COOL IS THAT!! AND SUCH AN AWESOME FUNDRAISING IDEA!!

Make that Three Teeth in One Week and some green leaves for Mama Swan

Knock on Wood, the incident the other day possibly was a one time deal. His teacher assured me that there was no need for us to meet and talk about it..so fingers crossed.

The other night, Matthew yelled, "MY OTHER TOOTH FELL OUT!!!!"

That makes three teeth right next to each other on the top! I'm having a heart attack picturing him toothless very soon.

He had fallen, running up my hardwood stairs earlier in the day and banged his chin very hard. I'm thinking that combined with Papa Swan noticing he hadn't stopped wiggling the tooth for the past couple of days, might have done the trick.

I don't know if this is normal. Three teeth in one week???? I have to make him a dentist appointment.

The weekend provided some warm weather, so yesterday he was outside with Papa Swan playing in the yard.

I was upstairs doing laundry I had been avoiding all week, along with some spring fever to get me to organize some old toys, old clothes..etc..

Matthew yells to me from downstairs "MOM!! I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU!!! BUT I CAN'T BRING IT UPSTAIRS BECAUSE I HAVE MUD ALL OVER MY BOOTS!!

I come downstairs to meet him halfway through the house, with his muddy boots, but I get over it quick when he hands me about 20 small sticks all tight together in his hands...and then says "See there is some green leaves in there too!"

The pile is still on my counter and I plan on keeping those green leaves forever in my treasure chest...of little things he gives me.

Snow today..but who cares..more green leaves right around the corner.

Tough Day for Mama Swan

Alright, I don't even know where to begin.

My little guy is so in need of a brother or a next door neighbor to play with on a constant daily basis.

He has this need to wrestle and want to be constantly be active, that I know is completely normal for a six year old boy. He is so all boy, that we just can't give him all that he needs everyday and for me, as his mom, it's draining. Emotionally.

There are two boys in his class that he is constantly looking up to and wanting to impress. They are twins and they have each other not only in class, but at home when they get off the bus. One of them, from the stories I get in bits and pieces from Matthew...seems a little bit bullish and someone that I try to tell Matthew that it is okay to just be himself and not look up to this boy, but just be himself and be the good kid that he is.

Yesterday morning before getting on the bus, literally as I'm helping him put on his coat, he said "Mrs. __ said I have never got a bad note, yet! But that for pushing someone I could!" I looked up horrified that he was mentioning it as we were walking out the door and told him, he better not push anyone and that he should always use his words.

He came off the bus yesterday and literally was doing the Irish Jig for his friends on the bus, like a show, as he headed in the house. I thought wow he is having a great day!

I opened up his backpack to see the day's work or artwork and it was filled to the rim, with Cat In The Hat that we hung on the window and other work on numbers, when I saw this little note from his teacher with his name on the top of the page.

I looked at the circled item mentioning that he had "Not kept his hands to himself" and then mentioning that we need to enforce these rules at home. At the bottom of the page, she mentioned in handwriting that he had kicked another child........

I wasn't even going to type it, blog it...It hurts me so much to know that my little miracle, is acting this way.

When I was reading the note out loud, he took it and out of frustration, tore it up into three pieces and crumpled it and then hid behind the couch. I asked his what happened. He mentioned another child wanted to play with someone..whatever... I told him that he is never to hit, push or kick anyone in school and due to that there would be no TV or computer games, Nintendo all day.

It was a long day.

When the day was almost done, he wanted me to play with him and I'm just so sad about this, that I just wanted to crawl inside of myself. He said then the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life, "Why did you have me if you didn't want me????"

Me...who has this blog, who gave birth, who prayed for him, who is so blessed by him, who is so in awe of him, who just thinks life wasn't life before he was on it...I didn't want him.

I can't type these words..it is killing me...I really wish I had my own mother right now, to help me to give me advice...

This morning, as he was getting on the bus after promising us this will never happen again, he kissed me and then said "Mom, any more only hugs when the bus is coming..you can kiss me before hand!"

Talk about my heart breaking.

I hope and pray that this is the last note we ever get. I know he is full of testosterone and that he is all boy and in class with twelve other boys and that these things happen.

I am blessed and thankful for him and couldn't imagine life without him!! Thank you God!

Mama Swan's Night Out - The Great Escape and Matthew's Two Top Front Teeth

On Satuday night, I had a much needed and planned night out with some old and new friends. About a month ago, I found a sign at a local club for a Journey Tribute Band.

They are called The Great Escape.

What a fitting title.

I had planned to see them, we got tickets for a few mom friends to get out and what an ESCAPE it was.

The pub where they were playing was a little tight quarters, but so worth it. I had a few too many Smithwicks that four days later, I'm still feeling.

On the way out the door to go out with my friends, Matthew yells "I LOST MY TOOTH!!" We look at him, as blood is covering his mouth from his front tooth that came out.

I only have one picture now of the one tooth, before my ESCAPE was done, when I came home Papa Swan said "The one next to it came out too!"

Now everything he does in so precious with his little toothless grin. He can be so bold and with that grin...we are just dying with love and a little laughter on the inside. I can't believe my little guy who just turned six has now lost four teeth. The ones on the bottom he lost last summer after a light saber incident. They are now coming in.

Everytime I look at his picture from last year on my desktop, I just sigh at the little baby teeth in his smile that are now gone.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT KELLIE

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Month in pictures - Matthew's STAR WARS MOVIE PARTY