True Love - Pat Benatar

Pat Benatar - True Love

Pat Benatar - True Love
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Ok...Mommy is a mood today...a true love mood....and hey!!! Instead of a Manic Monday Mood. I couldn't figure out how to add it too my post, so I'll just leave it up for a week or so until my mood changes:-) Isn't she awesome?

Enjoy!

Lazy Sunday's

Today was one of those days where we just hung around the house. Matthew took his car for a little ride up the street with Daddy. I have been busy doing laundry that I've ignored for almost 3 days and finally I couldn't ignore it anymore.

Well, my brother J (from now on to be called Elvis-due to some fond memories Mommy has of him when we were little) was off a week, with my niece's first Holy Communion date. Thank God for me. Now Matthew and I will take the trek down there this week, for a whole week. We will leave either on Friday or Saturday at the latest. Matthew hasn't been down there since January, and it is not worth it for Mommy to lug both of us down there for just a weekend. I am hoping that we will get to see my other brother P (from now on to be called Zeppelin-just kidding - to be called Gorge!! - short for Gorgeous!!! Not pronounced Horhe or georgie It is a nickname I had for him when he was little) as well. He now lives just over an hour south of where my family is from and in June it will be one year since I've seen him. I can't handle that. I've always been the older sister, the one to keep the family tight. I arrange reunions and try to enforce the importance of family to them. Him moving is out of my control. He is all grown up now there is nothing I can do. It's life.

I never thought I would have a problem with it, since I moved to MA when he was just 11 years old. As the years have gone on, the older he has got, the more he would be with friends when I would come in anyway. But over the last few years, we grew even closer than we already were. When he told me over a year ago, that he was moving, I said "Go For IT!" He was following love and I know better than anyone that you have to follow your heart in life and at least he wasn't moving to another state, he would still only be an hour south. Little did I know that, that hour and life in general would keep us apart on both sides of the equation. I miss his hugs and his smile, his sense of humor is awesome. He would have such an awesome time right now seeing Matthew grow up and into his own sense of humor. That's why I post so much on my blog, so my brothers and father and friends and other family can see everyday into Matthew's world. That in today's day and age, we don't have to be far apart, we can just click on the Internet and there we are. Now if I can only get all of them to have a blog and let me view their pics, I'd really be happy.

So here's to this week!!! First Holy Communions and Family Reunions (fingers crossed). BTW: My brother Elvis means just as much to me, just wanted to stress right now about Gorge!! I have to call him when I am done posting to see if he is going to be able to get off work to go to L's Holy Communion.

More about Elvis later! hehe

Mommy's New Hair Cut - Her mother's daughter

Ok....so I'm now posting that I finally got my haircut. What's this world coming to? Little things make me happy.

Today I took the plunge, into my short hair cut again. I haven't had it this short since Matthew was a year old.

I was a little scared, because of my own insecurities about my mom's illness. My mom's illness in her later years, deprived her of being able to have a nice hairstyle (to say the least). Because of her disease, her movements and jerking of her muscles kept my father and anyone else that wanted to cut her hair, impossible. She would wake up every day with knots that were unbearable to control and so a really short hair cut was mandatory for her.

For the last 10 years or so, anyone that would see me would say "You look just like your mom". As long as I kept my hair long, in my mind that meant "when my mom was healthy" and I would be so proud because she was so beautiful. But then on bad hair days or days when I would just get out of the shower and look in the mirror, her image in her later years has started to catch up with me. They say after you have kids, something changes hormonally and you start looking like your mom. I'm not vain or shallow. If my mother hadn't had a horrendous disease that destroyed her inner and outer self, my hair and my looking like her would be the last thing on my mind.

For the last two years I've been debating cutting my hair all off again, just because with Matthew it is easier for me to get out the door. I've mentioned before that I don't have the time anymore to primp and curl or blowdry with product etc. But I didnt' want to give up my last few moments (it feels sometimes) of sexiness, of me - the me who I don't want to let go of. The me that is terrified of being at risk for that illness and what the future might hold for me, being Matthew's mom.

I finally got my hair cut today because I feel like you know what! Cut it all off! Eric is going to color it for me tomorrow night and hopefully that will spice it up a little to just add a little of me, to the look.

I am very happy that I got it cut. I did start to tear up when the girl started getting shorter and shorter and I kept looking in the mirror and my mother started appearing more and more in the reflection. Once she was done, it looked fresh and beautiful and I am going to now be proud to say You know what! I do look just like my mom and even her in her later years, but I am making her proud. After the amount of years she suffered, the least I could do is walk around with a smile with my haircut and say - Here I Am and I'm still living (with my mom in my heart) !!!

ok....one more for today

I wasn't going to post again, but I have too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The car in the pics was wonderfully lent to us by Matthew's Godmother. Matthew loves it and is really an awesome driver!!!!

He hit Mommy's car and the porch, but considering he is only 4, I'm very proud... Now if Mommy next time doesn't take the pictures through the window, they will come out better.

Fantasy Friday - ONE OF MOMMY'S FAVORITE MEMORIES

Well, today I was looking for a theme of how I was feeling...something, fancy that goes with Friday....oh yeah, Fantasy Friday....(silly I know).

I am always looking for pictures of where I am from in PA or pictures that represent part of what makes me complete as a person.

I've mentioned in the past that I had a rough time growing up with my mom's illness. Once I was old enough to get my license I started to really see that the beauty was more than just in the woods surrounding my neighborhood, that it was across on the other mountain - or down that road, up that big hill, over into the farms. It just kept expanding as I started getting more adventurous.

In one of those adventures, in the summertime, I found the place in the above picture. The part of PA I'm from is full of beauty like this with waterfalls, wonderful lush forests, gorges and swimming tubs.

The more that I would get stressed with my situation at home, ironically the more water was calming or would pull me. I would spend hours just deep in thought at this particular gorge. The picture doesn't do it justice. Picture being down there, on the rock closest to that and now close your eyes and feel the cold splash or the mist and water and listen to that roaring sound of the water. A few people closest to me were lucky enough to visit it with me, before the city had for safety's sake closed off the area. The dangerous height and irresponsibility of teenagers left it a dangerous mix. I did my own share of "escaping" while down there and even diving into it...although from a 5 foot cliff, not even near the height some kids dived from. Although I did read that they have made it safer in the summertime now. I have to get back to visit.

My fantasizing today isn't about my escaping then and the fact that I swam in it. I'm not bragging. I brag about Matthew. hehe

My fantasy today is in the beauty and sound of that gorge, that when I can't make it in again this weekend for my niece's Holy Communion due to weather and other issues including financial, this picture is a place I can escape to in my mind even for one minute.

That Thank God I at least have my fantasy to keep me going and for me it's more than a fantasy, it's called a MEMORY.

In the my late teens-early 20's, in the summer time, I sat in that gorge. If you look in the picture to where those two rocks come together, to where it starts the actual waterfall. I sat in that water rushing over the edge, like one big, calming, wonderful, healing, natural, scenic hug with the water hitting me like jets in a hot tub. This is only one of many of Mommy's scenic memories in life, that I like to remember now and then....it's good for the soul.

On a good note, Matthew and I will be going down next week sometime for a whole week. Mommy's mother day present to myself.

Matthew's Early Years From Mommy To Matthew (Part Two) Really Long - with some BEFORE AND AFTER pics of Mommy For effect!!

Click for Part One:

For Thanksgiving 2002, I made a sheet of brownies to bring to your Uncle's house. As usual, I wound up coming home with half of the sheet not eaten. I ate them all that night. A half a sheet of Brownies in one night! That was the first time I had chocolate with you in my belly and not the last. I had set off something inside me that made me want a cookie or a piece of cake or pie every day.

Every morning before going to work I would have orange juice and Total Raisin Bran for the folic acid in addition to my prenatal vitamin. Around 10:00 am I would have a snack at work of a muffin and would be drinking 8 or sometimes more glasses of water everyday. I learned the hard way that if I drank after 5pm anymore water, I would be in the bathroom all night. That with my legs always being restless made getting a full night sleep impossible.

Sometimes at 10:00 am another girl who was also pregnant at work and I would order a breakfast from this place near work. Then we would order lunch for noon. Then we would have a snack at 2 or 3 that would usually be some kind of desert. I never thought about food in my whole life. Because I had always been skinny and never had to watch what I ate and never had anyone teach me proper nutrition, I made some wrong choices while I was pregnant.

Choices that I thought were good. I would bring in a can of Progresso Vegetable Soup thinking I was giving you vegetables and then in December was told later on by a recommended nutritionist through my doctor, that the sodium level in cans of soup was dangerous. Then I became so nervous of everything I ate, I was so worried about you. I had bought a monitor to listen to you in my belly. It always had this swooshing sound and I could never decipher any differences in the noises but on some days when you wouldn’t kick I would be so worried that something happened.

By the end of December, my doctor was becoming concerned about my weight and fluid buildup in my legs, they were always so swollen and uncomfortable, but they said they would just have to keep monitoring me every two weeks. One attribute to being pregnant with you was that I think you were getting as uncomfortable as I was, you would kick up a storm all of the time, I loved that feeling and listening to your heartbeat.

In January they had me take a non-stress test. They hooked all of these monitors to my belly and had me lie still for an hour. They left the room and I just listened to your heartbeat and watched that monitor and was nervous every time the line would go up or down not knowing what that meant. Finally they came back and said you were fine and to just keep watching what I was eating to keep my blood pressure down. By this time I had already cut down my hours at work to only 5 hours a day and would come home and just try and sleep. My legs were so uncomfortable and I always had to get up to go to the bathroom. I was getting so big and irritable that I took our bedroom door off of the hinges to make my trip to the bathroom a shorter one. We have a king size bed in a small room and just making it around the corner and to open the door, have it bang into the bed and then squeeze my now becoming fat body through it was more than I could bear. So once it was off, my trips were easier.

On February 2, 2003 your Godmother and Auntie K threw us a baby shower. It was beautiful and they had a beautiful cake with a blue rocking horse and teddy bears on it. I got so many wonderful and much needed gifts and thank God just in time (although little did we know). We thought we had until April 5, 2003. That was your due date. Your father hadn’t finished your nursery although he made an amazing and unbelievable attempt at it. He took the room apart down to the outside walls, put up insulation, new walls, sanded the hardwood floor, painted the floors and ceiling and then put in a light, a French door and new windows. But in February he was still at only putting in the insulation.

My 32nd week doctor visit was on Wednesday February 5Th at 1:00 p.m. Your father had gone to all of my appointments with me and was very concerned about my ankles and how swollen they were. He was very busy at work at that time and was considering skipping this one but at the last minute he decided to just meet me there. I would drive my own car instead of him coming home first to get me. I didn’t mind because I needed to go to a new store across from the doctor’s office after my appointment to buy everything I read in my book for my suitcase to pack for the day we would go to the hospital (nightgown, underwear, robe etc and your coming home outfit). I quickly had lunch before heading out the door.

When your father and I were called into the office, they were always so wonderful and friendly and never made you feel like there were any problems. So this time when the nurse had a look of concern about my ankles and then she took my blood pressure (which I think was 188 over something), it didn’t look like anymore concern than the previous visit and I weighed 211 lbs (I was 145 when I got pregnant). Until she said, “we are going to call the Hospital and have them all waiting for you. Your husband will drive you there. We don’t want you to drive. The emergency room will take you up to the maternity floor where they will do a non-stress test. They don’t have a NICU (which at the time I had no idea what that meant and later found out it meant a neonatal intensive care unit), so you will have to decided then if there is a problem you will need to chose a hospital that has a NICU and they will take you there by ambulance. We will forward that hospital with all documents they will need on your care.”

At that time, I thought there concern over me driving my car just 10 minutes up the road was overreacting. I mean I just drove there fine and I felt the same I had felt for the last month. That along with there sincerity and calmness made me not even consider that anything would be wrong. They just needed to tell me what to eat correctly and I would be fine with bed rest for two more months.

When we arrived at the Hospital, the emergency room had been faxed my information and quickly put me on a gurney and brought me up to the maternity floor. They hooked me up to the same monitors as before and this time continued monitoring my blood pressure. I was only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom just a few inches from the bed. After being there for several hours it was getting to be around 8 at night, I asked for some dinner but they told me I couldn’t sit up to eat and would have to wait. They also said that if I was to have the baby my belly needed to be empty. Finally, after complaining a lot the nurse gave me sprite in a small Dixie cup and some crackers but I wasn’t allowed to sit up at all.

We were told shortly after that we would need to choose a hospital then that would have a NICU and that I would be transported there by ambulance. That’s when it all finally hit me that this was serious, this wasn’t something I could go home and fix by myself, that they wanted me to have you now. Your cousin was born 4 months early at 1 lb and I knew that he was fine and had weathered the storm in his early life, so I felt that you had a 2 month advantage on him, that if we chose Brigham & Women’s in Boston that we lived near one of the best hospitals in the country for prenatal care, we were off to a right start.

The ambulance showed up at midnight and took me up the mass pike with the lights on, lying down in the back in a gurney with the most wonderful nurse Carrie who came for the ride with me to hold my hand. The nurses and EMT’s and doctors from the moment we first walked into the Dr's office to the Hospital to Brigham & Women’s until we took you home from the NICU, provided nothing but continuous support with caring and attentive unbelievable bedside manner.

When we got to Brigham & Womens we were checked into a floor where they would monitor me. It was on the labor and delivery floor. They monitored me and said I would be on a water diet only with just what was given to me intravenously for food until I went into labor. They monitored my blood pressure and gave me medicine for it, monitored my asthma and constantly gave me an inhaler. I was becoming very uncomfortable and so hungry. I couldn’t sleep because my legs were so swollen and even with them raised was not helping. I could hear women screaming from down the hall from delivering and was becoming so afraid of what was going to happen.

I hadn’t read this far ahead in my book of what to expect when you’re expecting….I didn’t even think to read ahead to the labor and delivery section yet. I was going out to buy my essentials for my suitcase and didn’t even own a nightgown to put on other that the hospital johnnies. Luckily your Godmother later provided me with a robe.

The doctors that monitored me were all interns. They told me that if I didn’t show signs of effacing by Friday I would have to chose a cesarean section so that the baby would not be harmed and my health would not be affected much longer. We called Grandpa in PA and told him it looked like we would be having a c-section on Friday evening. He wanted to come up but there was a blizzard being called for on Friday morning. When I realized the blizzard was on its way, I called his house where Uncle P answered the phone. I had just said the words “Can I talk to Daddy?” when a nurse came in the room and said “Would you like to see your father?” I felt like I was lost in a state of confusion. What do you mean? I’m on the phone with my brother now just asking for him, what do you mean do I want to see him? Then he walked through the door holding roses for me.

Your grandfather was speeding the night before to try and beat the snowstorm. He arrived in the middle of the night and couldn’t get into our vacant house and because he wanted to surprise me, he paid almost $100 for a hotel and then parking in the garage at the hospital.

That night they gave me something to make me “out of it”, but still awake and then at 6:55 pm you were born. Your father was right next to me the whole time watching it all in amazement that I had no clue what was going on. They pulled you out of my belly and through glassy eyes I saw you screaming for not even a whole one second before you were out of my sight. You were just pulled over my head so quick. They had to monitor you very quickly and take care of you. Thank God your Dad had the camera and took the picture of that moment and a million moments after that.

Around 10:00 pm, I awoke in horrific pain because the morphine had worn off and full of anxiety like I just wanted to pull every monitor out of me. It was a very bad panic attack and I was alone in the room. I called your father on the cell phone and he was in a local bar telling the whole bar that you have entered the world at 4 lbs 5 oz 15” long!

He came back and by the time he returned the nurse had given me more morphine to ease the pain and anxiety. From that moment on, he called up to the NICU to check on you and go to visit with you because I still couldn’t move. They asked us what we chose for a middle name for you. We hadn’t yet, but your father’s bond with you was immediate and there was no better name then to take his, not to mention you being his identical twin, it was even more fitting. They moved up to the maternity floor the next day and finally gave me real food to eat after 4 days of no food. Later in that day, again the pain was excruciating. Your Uncle J from PA had driven up somehow missing the brunt of the blizzard. I couldn’t even talk to him because I was in so much pain. Grandpa and Uncle J stayed at our house that night and sang karaoke on my machine.

Finally after 19 hours, my blood pressure was finally ok enough to go see my baby. When we first showed up there I was so scared and excited. All of these little tiny babies hooked up to machines, tubes down there noses, big binkies that were bigger than their faces with blankets over there incubators and little stuffed animals inside. I didn’t even have a stuffed animal to give to you, later on I put your Winnie the Pooh pillow in there and Uncle J had bought you a teddy bear, your Godmother bought you a teddy bear, Daddy bought you a teddy bear and Auntie K brought you a medallion of the Blessed Mother that we pinned to your Winnie the Pooh pillow.

When I finally saw you….oh…wow….you took my breath away.

You just kind of peeked out at me, your eyes were like little slits through the incubator and you were all red, with a tiny diaper on you and little monitors on your belly and a tube in your nose. When you opened your eyes you were the spitting image of your Daddy, when he was a baby and now at 41 years old! He joked and told people “Hey it took me 41 years to be that bald and look like that!” When I held you, you were so fragile and so wonderful and so mine. The nurses showed me how to put you kangaroo style which was on my chest between my breasts, against my skin. You fit there like a glove and would just look at me or daddy like hi there, I’m here! Surprise! I didn’t want to wait anymore! And you guys are the ones that have loved me for so long, well now you don’t have to wait anymore, just long enough to get me out of this NICU. And that was when our first family picture was taken.

I would hold you and sing to you “I’ve got a crush on you” by Linda Rondstadt/Frank Sinatra. Partly because it was one of your Daddy’s favorite songs I used to sing, but also because for some strange reason between that and “You are my sunshine” my brain was mush from what I had just went through and I couldn’t remember any other words to any songs but “Crazy” by Patsy Cline. I had gotten so sick of that song over the years and one day in the NICU I decided to see if you liked it and you made a funny face at me like “Oh mom, not that song”. Your father witnessed it, he can tell you!

After the first time I saw you, they took me back to my room and taught me how to pump to give you milk. I hadn’t strictly planned on breastfeeding but when I saw you I felt so helpless like all of these months I took care of you or at least tried my best, and now what can I do? So I pumped and I did try to actually breastfeed you but we never had a chance because of not having the right opportunity to bond, without distractions for me and when I got you home the following month and we didn’t work, I just pumped for two more weeks. So I pumped a total of 6 weeks to give you the best start I could, but then life for me at home just got to crazy to handle with your Dad at work and no one locally to help me out so I decided it would be better to give you formula. The first day was so hard but then you didn’t seem to mind, you loved your baba no matter how you got it.

Well, now millions of bottles, diapers and songs later you are now 17 months old…and I love every minute of it, even though the stress has taken its toll on me, you are the best gift God could have ever given to me and we love you so much. Your father is coming home now after taking you out for Pizza and so I better get myself up from the computer to have lunch before you get home. I will continue this journey later when I get a chance. I am hoping to do this every day now. I love you.

You were in the NICU for 32 days because you were born early and they had to monitor your heart and make sure you were safe enough to breathe, swallow and suck before sending you home. They would tell us if you had a continuous 48 hours of what they called “no spells”, then you could home. In the meantime, Daddy and I would go in to see you every day. I would go in all day and Daddy would come after work. I would go home and pump overnight and then bring your milk in the morning, then sit and hold you all day or as much as they would let me. I felt so guilty not being able to take care of you or be there for you overnight, so when I was holding you I didn’t want to let you go. Some of the nurses would comment to me, you don’t want to do that because when you get home with him, he will expect this. I didn’t listen and now 17 months later, you are still in our bed, I lie down with you still for each nap until you are asleep and then sneak out of the room.

First I want to say that I thank God for all of those nurses because I had only read up to the 7th month of pregnancy in my book, I never got to read how to take care of you when you got home. I really underestimated all that it entailed. When you left the NICU on March 9, 2003, we bundled you up and drove you home while you slept through the whole journey. When we got home I was prepared with 8-12 4 to 6 oz bottles a day to feed you. I would hold you while I fed you and then sometimes put you right back in your little co-sleeper I had bought that pulled up along side of me in bed. This way I could just reach over to you in the middle of the night and fix your binky or your blanket that you were swaddled in or change your diaper. One night after I fed you I remember you crying so hard, I was so tired and I just picked you up from one shoulder put you on another shoulder went to look in the mirror at you and you were out. This was working perfectly until about 4 months old when you got colicky. Then the only time we could get you to sleep was rocking you, walking around the house, sometimes for over an hour. Sometimes when Daddy would hold you across his chest this way, you would fall asleep instantly with him. You got over this around 5 or 5 and ½ months. I would sing every song I knew and eventually the only song that would calm you was Patsy Clines “If you got leaving on your mind”. I would sing it loud and I think you were calmed by the tone of my voice singing the beautiful ballad. In between sleeping and pooping and eating, you would sit in your car seat on the kitchen table while I played Sesame Street music, or I would put you in your bouncy seat in your playpen and you would just smile at the sunbeams or your toys. At night, I would just watch you sleep sometimes. I would be able to sleep for an hour but you ate every four hours all night long around the clock so continuous sleep was out of the question. And your binky kept falling out of your mouth so a lot of times I would fall asleep while holding it in your mouth with my arm in your bed.

Our pediatrician had told me that because you were premature I couldn’t bring you to public places until June. No supermarket, no mall, not to visit Grandma P in the nursing home, no playground or public place where a little child could run up to you and get their germs on you. My whole life I had been dreaming of being that lady in the supermarket or the mall and wanted so bad to show you off but you were still fragile. We had no spring that year and it was raining every day until June when I could finally take you out, but then it was 100 degrees out the whole month of June.

You didn’t like riding in your back facing car seat because you would fall asleep but then every stop, and I mean every stop sign, light or traffic would wake you up and you would scream. I was a nervous wreck with my new beautiful baby and it was hard not being able to just see you. I wouldn’t drive you down to PA by myself because I was so worried about you and how long the normally 4.5 hour trip could take. We did it once in 9 hours with Daddy for Mother’s Day so I could show you off. When we finally turned your car seat around I was so happy, but that wasn’t until you were a year old.

It wasn’t until you were 7 months that I got a stroller that was easy to maneuver you up our steep driveway. Your Grandma K came down for a weekend and we went to Babies R Us and bought it. Your Uncle J had bought me a wonderful Grand Cherokee Jeep stroller that I had registered for but it was more for a toddler not an infant and so hard to maneuver and too big to just grab when you needed somewhere quick to go. Now I use that Jeep stroller all of the time because you are heavy enough that the weight of you makes the use of the stroller a lot easier not to mention it has cup holders for mama’s coffee and your sippy cup and a lot of storage underneath.

For the fourth of July 2003 we went to the beach to show you the ocean for the first time. We took that red stroller and four wheeled it over the dunes and across the sand to the beach. Unfortunately though we weren’t able to stay long because a bad storm was coming and they closed the beach early.

We took you to PA in August 2003 for my family reunion and again I got a chance to show off my chunky little bundle of joy. You were such a porker and really made up for being premature. Everyone, including the pediatrician still says you would never know you were a preemie because of how healthy and how immediate you caught up to where you should be. I never have watched your milestones by your adjusted age (the due date of 4/5/03), I have always watched them by your actual birth date and everything is always right on schedule.

Well, except for rolling and playing on your belly, you wanted no part of being on your tummy to play. You are a holiday baby. I waited until Christmas Eve 2003 for you to finally start crawling. On Thanksgiving 2003 was the first day you said mama. The week of Easter 2004 you started walking.

All of these moments in your life, we captured in pictures. We had 3000 digital pictures stored in your file on our computer before your first birthday. That sounds like an exaggeration but it’s the honest truth. I have only taken 1 percent of the pictures and made real pictures out of them for an album for you because your Daddy would go broke. His camera takes 252 pictures per card and we would just snap, snap, snap and still do constantly. For the first year of your life, I would send an email out to everyone I knew and send your monthly pictures.

I know you are my son, but regardless and everyone agrees with me “You were and are the most beautiful baby I ever laid eyes on”. Every face you make, pose you make is priceless. Even when you sleep you still capture my heart when I look at you and I sigh every time knowing you are mine. Like a sigh of relief. Whew! He is still here! Thank you God! For months in your co-sleeper or eventually bassinette and crib next to me I would look at you at night and say “Thank you God for another day with our miracle”.

OK.. now I have taken a 6 month hiatus on your journal…not intentionally. Since my last entry in July 2004, we went to PA to visit Grandma and Grandpa P before we started on the addition. Unfortunately though, you got sick. So sick that Mommy had to have you admitted to a hospital for bronchilitis. You were in the hospital three days and then when we came home, 3 days later we had to pack all of our stuff and go back down to PA for two more weeks because we would be moving into an apartment while the addition was being started on our house. We would live with Grandpa until the apartment was available mid August 2004. Then I didn’t have a computer to journal in until December and that was Christmas time! So here it is January 8, 2005….and lets see if I can make up for lost time.

January 8, 2005 (today is Your Great Grandmother G’s birthday and Elvis Presley’s):

I was hoping you would be sleeping in your car toddler bed this week. I moved into our room, but right now you just enjoy washing it! You little boy! It came as instinct or from the few times you saw Daddy wash the truck! Hehe

We still are in awe of every new day with you and every new amazing thing you say, do or discover. You repeat back a lot of words to us…you say some sentences like I NEED MY BABA (at midnight) or I SEE A FRENCH FRY (in your basket of play food) or WHAT DO YOU MEAN? (if you hear mommy say it to Daddy on the phone) You love playing with us right now. Role playing or cooking in your kitchen Santa brought you, when Mommy is making you lunch. You love to play with your little baby and swaddle him in your blankie. You love Buzz Lightyear and Woody from Toy Story, Jay Jay the Jet Plane and building with Daddy on your Little Tikes construction set Uncle J got you for Christmas. You still love peekaboo and scaring us and you have the most beautiful belly laugh when you giggle. You do that same laugh at night when Daddy is kissing you on the neck and tickling your cheek with his face. You love having Mommy cuddle with you at night and you say Bye Bye or Night Night to Daddy when he kisses the room and leaves us to go to sleep at night.

You are starting to realize there is a world out there other than Mommy and you might just like it. It is fun and exciting and an adventure all it’s own. Yesterday Mommy left you for the first time with a babysitter who had a 20 month old son and a 3 year old son. You had a blast and only asked for me once. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, packing you a photo album the night before in case you needed to see me or Daddy to be comforted but you had so much fun doing things we never did together, like Play Doh and Crayons or a trampoline! I wasn’t sad that you didn’t miss me, just so happy that you got to play with your friends instead of boring Mommy all of the time.

Earlier tonight we had on a classic rock video channel to have you dance for us and The Doors were singing “Hello, I love you.” And you were going, “HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO”. It was your first time really singing with a song that you never even heard before. We loved it.

Yesterday we had our first playdate here and you had so much fun and hated to see your little friends go. Mommy is busy these days trying to establish a babysitting network for the MOMS club I belong too as well as daily or tri-weekly playdates for you. Tomorrow a mom is coming with her little girl. Next week we are going to play with a little boy. We are busy, busy, busy. I am really tired, but keeping up the strength because of how much I love you and your Daddy sent me a nice email today telling me he thinks I’m a wonderful mom! YEAH! That was enough of a push of support to get me through at least another 6 months. We are enjoying you so much right now.

Due to our move back into our house and the stress of that and just life in general, I didn't keep up my journal until this past January when I discovered I could start a blog... Now were moving forward!! LOL

Some funnies from Matthew

Before I forget, I have been meaning to add some funny stuff coming out of my little guy these days.

• This morning, when he woke up he told Eric that Noggin (children's network for those without kids) said he didn't have to go to work today. Eric informed him that unfortunately, Noggin wasn't his boss.
• He has been mentioning his friends these days. They might be friends mommy might have been in a playgroup with when he was 2 or 3, but for some reason he is now talking about them and remembering their names. Today he said, Mom my friend David lives in NORTH DAKOTA!!! And has long hair like you (meaning me)!! haha First off, we only have a couple states on the map down and I wasn't aware until today that North Dakota was one of them. I thought he was going to say his friend David who lives in the next town, not across the country! I said, "Oh honey, that's wonderful and long hair like Mommy too!! Cool!!"
• Every morning when he wakes up, I ask him what he dreamed about. Last week, he said he didn't dream. I said, "Oh well, sometimes that happens" He said "MY DREAMS FLOATED WAY UP TO THE SKY AND ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON!!"
• The other day driving into Boston, he again started yelling at all the rockets in the sky (airplanes with white clouds behind them). This time though, he told Mommy to DRIVE FASTER SO WE CAN WIN THE RACE AND BEAT THEM!!!
• At night when Eric comes home from work, one of Matthew's favorite things in the whole world, is to have him "Nibble his ears". Last night he just kept yelling "DADDY NIBBLE ME, NIBBLE ME!!!!!" Eric had taken him up the street and they ran into a neighbor with her baby. She was mentioning what her baby was eating these days. Matthew piped up and told her "DADDY NIBBLES ON MY EARS"

Remember When Wednesdays- Matthew's REALLY early days...Part One (Part two tomorrow)

The picture above isn't Matthew. Unfortunately, I don't have a scanner or I would have his on here. Someday...

Today I thought I would go back, way back...... I have a journal that I did when Matthew was only 17 months old... I thought that I would start to put my thoughts and moments from that time out there today.

This is obviously under exaggerated for family and friends sake, but it is still a really good draft of the real moment in time for Matthew to have someday.

To my Matthew

My love, my life, my son, my heart, my soul…

It sounds like I am starting a poem and I could because you give my life so much happiness.

But this is not a poem. I’ll do a poem later. Right now this is a journal, for you of my life before you, with you and always with you.

Today is Sunday July 18, 2004. Your father needs me to watch you for a minute while he goes to the bathroom. I need this time though to let you know how much I love you so I will be right back.

Ok…it’s been over an hour but I’m back now.

I don’t know how to start this though. I have wanted to do a journal for you since July 29, 2002. The day I found I was pregnant with you. I was so excited and yelled so loud to our neighbor RJ that there was a pink line on our pregnancy test and I never had a solid pink line before and I knew I was pregnant and couldn't stop screaming and I called everyone in my address book to let them know. Daddy and I wanted and prayed for you for 7 years. We tried so hard and just kept holding on because somewhere in the depths of our souls and our hearts we knew you were up there on a cloud looking down at us deciding if you wanted to join our family or not. You are an angel. It sounds like such a small word, but the impact of you being such an angel and a miracle is greater than anything else in the universe. There is no bigger or better love than the love we have for you.

That’s one reason why I am finally now after you turning 17 months starting this journal for you. I want you to always have my thoughts, dreams and love to know and never doubt or question. Things in life will come your way to try and put roadblocks up or walls for you to knock down. I want you to always have these letters from this journal to get you through the tough times in life. Sometimes life takes from us the ones we love in more ways than one and sometimes you need those people more than you could ever imagine. This is my way of giving what I know I can give to you, while I can still give it to you. There might come a time when I might not be able to give these words to you but I will have done this journal and that will help in your life.

You are only 17 months and your life is a long one ahead of you, I hope and pray. I want to be there for every milestone and every challenge, for what will bring you happiness, success, love and what will make you sad, scared and overwhelmed, for every emotion in your life, I pray I will be there for you in mind, body and spirit, happy and healthy for you. But if I’m not, please always keep this journal and treasure it as your most prized possession. You might get mad at me and want to tear it up out of frustration, please don’t. Because when the frustration calms down for just awhile, you will want to reach out to me and this will be my only way to give you a hug.

Right now we have a few favorite songs. “You are my sunshine” is one that I have sung to you since the day you were born. You were two months early and you were in the NICU for 32 days. They wouldn’t let me even hold or see you for 19 hours after you were born because I had severe preclampsia/high blood pressure during pregnancy. I wasn’t allowed to sit up and be wheeled up two floors in the elevator to where you were until my blood pressure came down. The first moment I laid eyes on you, “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you’ll never know dear, how much mommy loves you, please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Your father and I tried to put our pregnancy in God’s hands because I was brought up a strict catholic. We had been told by fertility specialists that if we went through invetro insemination we would most likely become pregnant. I had much anxiety over this and many times tried to convince your father of giving up the fight and to adopt a baby. I knew I would love any baby after so many years of trying. But your father didn’t want to give up on you. He felt you in his heart and would tell me that he wanted our baby, with his eyes and my height, just not my nose and once he reminded me that an adopted baby would not inherit the vocal/musical talent that runs in my family I knew that I had to get past my anxieties and get onto invetro. Another big hurdle for me though, was that I am pro-life. With IVF, you have the risk of having multiple pregnancies and we had to decide upfront how many to destroy if this got to be a health risk for me. I was torn between how I would know if the one I chose would wind up surviving and what if I destroyed the healthy baby and had one with an illness or had health problems. I didn’t want to be making the decision, but one day I prayed really harder than others and I realized that if God didn’t want these scientists to be helping people have a child, and he didn’t want me to have a baby this way, that along with our natural way and an attempted IUI in 1998 we would fail. Our insurance company would only cover so many tries and I felt if God’s plan was us not to have our own child, then we would find out by our 6th insemination.

We decided to only be inseminated with two embryos per insemination. My first IVF was on Mother’s Day 2002 and what was called a natural cycle without any fertility medicine. I was inseminated with two embryos and your father made me a very sweet card on the computer that read “To the mother of our embryos”. We found out two weeks later that the pregnancy failed. The mother’s day before I had been sitting on our little side porch and we had a lilac tree that had a bird’s nest with a mama bird feeding her babies. I remember praying to God that even birds can have a mother’s day and their babies, why not me? So when I was inseminated the following year I felt God was with me…but he had other plans.

Around the end of June we started our next cycle and this time we used hormone medicine and fertility shots that your father had to give me every night for 10 weeks at the same time in the butt. They were painful but worth the end result. If we were out we would bring our shot and park on the side of the road so he could give the shot to me in the back of his truck. Luckily he had tinted windows.

On July 15, 2002 I was again inseminated with two embryo’s and during the two week wait to take the pregnancy test each night that he gave me the shot the anxiety over him giving it and it really hurting was starting to take a toll on me. The day before I found out I was pregnant with you, I cried so hard and told him not to do it, that I felt that it had worked, that I was pregnant and didn’t need one more shot.

The next day I took the home pregnancy test and yelled through the rooftops and it was the following day on July 30, 2002 that the blood test confirmed that you were in there and that only one embryo survived. I never even gave that other embryo a moment to cry over…all I kept hearing was that I was pregnant over and over again in my head and how happy I was. I have never been so happy in my life, but then I started to get nervous. I was pregnant, how do I make sure that nothing happens to you and that you survive. For years all I read was information and support groups on getting pregnant, then all of a sudden (well maybe not to all of a sudden) you were there and I had a whole lot more to learn about while you were in there to keep you in there, to keep you healthy and alive.

Everyone was very supportive and a few people went out of there way to make my journey easy. A woman at my work gave me my first book (which a few days ago you just tore some of the pages out) called “A Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy”. I was very touched by it. I had one friend visit me in the hospital, PB but then two months later moved to Maine.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, your Godmother was there for me. She would call and say if we found out we were having a boy, clothes from your cousins would be handed down. She took wonderful care of their clothes and she had a crib, car seats, toys, nursing bras, bottles and bottle rack, onsies, cloth diapers etc. and a book called “What to expect the first year?”, not to mention throwing me a baby shower. She would call me every week and ask how I was feeling, listen to my worries or anxieties and just be there as a friend for me. We had always been friends, but had never had the opportunity to get close enough. I thought this was finally happening and it felt so right when I chose her to be your Godmother, because she is what got you through your journey to life by being there for me. She continues to be there for you to this day, in more ways than just providing clothes. I feel bad that it is not as easy for me to just pick you up, put you in the car and drive you to Boston to see her more.

Your father went with me on every doctor’s appointment and ultrasound. On October 4, 2002 we found out that you were a boy. I will be honest with you. I grew up with two brothers and felt that living with your Dad for all of those years that I wouldn’t mind having a girl around. I had picked out the name Matthew for a boy when I was in 8th grade, but really believed I was having a Kristina Rose. The day of that ultrasound, we were in the waiting room and a woman was called to the office by the nurse and her name was Kristina. I had told your father it was a sign. He just laughed. It didn’t matter to him or me either way what you were, we knew how much we would love you, but I know he was hoping for a boy and had wanted one to go fishing with for years now. When the ultrasound technician (who was very rude) told us it was a boy, I said how do you know? She showed us the scrotum. I still have all of the pictures. Hehe.. Your heartbeat was 167 bpm….supposedly another sign you were a boy.

When I left that appointment I went to Babies’ R’ Us to finally buy something for “our” baby knowing what you were. When I walked through the doors, everything pink was jumping out at me. I was disappointed to find out that they boys department isn’t as embellished or as large as the girls department was. I bought you two little blue shirts and bibs. One said “Mommy’s little boy” the other said “Daddy’s little boy”. I also bought you a little Winnie the pooh musical pillow that played Winnie the pooh and would put it next to my belly every day and let you hear me sing it to you.

So far I wasn’t experiencing any problems with my pregnancy, no morning sickness, just extremely tired all of the time, more than normal and out of breath. I had quit smoking the day I found I was pregnant with you. I had previous bouts of asthma that were coming back during my pregnancy. I never had to use an inhaler during the pregnancy but felt very winded all of the time. I would get nauseous from the smell of something or looking at a trash bag, but not to the point of throwing up. The only time I ever threw up anything was at home. I didn’t like the smell of something in the bathroom one day, and grabbed your father’s dirty t-shirt to put over my nose. Unfortunately, I grabbed the part near the armpit and it sent me running to the kitchen sink. Food didn’t make me sick in fact I just wanted to eat all of the time. I had always been skinny and now this was my time to just eat for you and for me. I mostly ate healthy (or at least I thought), but would indulge once in awhile.

I don't want this post to be the length of my whole page, so I will save more for tomorrow.

Bike Riding and Lifelong Friendships

This morning my friend TwinsMom called and asked if we wanted to come over to play and to bring Matthew's bike. Unfortunately, Daddy left his helmet in his truck that he took to work, so we brought along Matthew's tricycle instead.

He had the best time sharing his tricycle with the twins and pushing them along (it has one of those long handles in the back). It was so cute to see him having so much fun in their drive way. Another first for Mommy. His first bike ride with his little friends. We had never gone over there before to bike ride. We love going over there to play though, so it is always fun.

I was thinking later how he is almost 5 and that is the age I was when I met my friend CareBear. It's hard to believe that I was his size when we met.

My father built a new home for us in 1973. We moved in and one day I was riding my little bike with a basket and streamers on the handlebars, when I rode up to this big tree on the corner of the street. There was this little girl on this bike and it had her name in stickers on it. We have been friends ever since. She lived a few houses up from me and she has been like a sister to me my whole life. Her parents were always so loving and wonderful to me and when we moved when I was 16 from the area, they threw me the best surprise party with all of the kids in the neighborhood (not to mention a boy I had a 3 year crush on).

It's something how something like riding a bike, can make life long friendships and how the childhood friends you make are the ones that stand by you throughout your whole life. They may not be around the corner, they might not even talk to you for a few months, but if we pick up the phone and actually get the opportunity, it is like we are still under that tree on our bikes. That bond we created is forever there and can't be broken. It only happens with real friends though. I had other friends from my childhood that didn't leave a lasting impression on my heart. Carebear and I had our moments, but her heart was always pure and her parents were the same way. They even came all the way to Boston for my wedding. That is something that touches you. I still give her a hard time because they missed the wedding with traffic, but I'll never forget after the long day of the photographer telling me to smile, walking into this room where we had our reception, and there she was with a smile, tears in her eyes and a hug. So proud to share my day and I was so proud and happy to have her there.

I wish that we saw each other more, but she started to realize over the last few years my dilemma when I would visit PA when my mom was in the nursing home and how difficult splitting up my time down there was for me. She and K share the same trait in that regard. K always understood and never judged me when she knew I couldn't "fit" her in for lack of a better word. It really isn't an appropriate word though. Fit sounds like a shoe you are trying to squeeze your big feet into. Pieces of my heart and soul were not able to be nurtured when I couldn't keep my heart in one piece. Like someone constantly taking out parts of your heart and soul and putting them back together, here and there after awhile they become worn out and tattered, from years worth of neglect to my heart/my soul/my friendships. Does that sound right?

CareBear over the last year has been struggling with something that I don't think she wants me to talk about. So out of respect for her and her struggles I won't. I just want her to know that she is my heart and soul and that I am always with her in my heart and in my mind. One of these days, these two friends are going to have to make time for a little bike ride just the two of us around Lake S.... Or even just under that tree...

Love you CareBear.

Beetles and Bugs and Insects....OH MY!!!

Well, it's officially 80 degrees and sunny today! The little things that make me happy. Although the yellow jackets in my garage are monstrous and they scare the heck out of me.

I wish there was a way to have warm weather without bees, wasps and other horned and nasty stinging insects.

We have lived on our lake for 12 years and for some reason the last few years the insects, bugs and beetle life have become so huge to me, that I think there is something in the lake water. I have run from some bugs that literally freeze me in my tracks. I'm not that much of a wimp. I will kill something if I have the advantage. I don't know what I'm dealing with and I have a son to protect from whatever bites by whichever bug feels like biting. (say that 3 times fast)

I have been getting library books for us on bugs so Matthew and Mommy can see what I need to know about, but it is impossible to know all of them. The bees are easy for me and I am so afraid of them. I was stung when I was younger, by many.

One year we were swimming in one of my best friend's from childhood (will call her CareBear) pool. I was lounging in the pool on a float and a bee landed right on my big toe. We always would scream and make loud noises so when I started screaming that this bee was on my toe, CareBear's mom, literally just blocked out the sound. Until I think I finally said, Hey!! This isn't playing around this time!! So, she came and put mud on it and that was that. I got a few more from running around the neighborhood barefoot because I liked to do that.

More recently I was stung, last fall when I ran home after dropping Matthew off at preschool. I came home and went into my garage and there was a hive right over the door, that literally attacked me and I almost had to rip off my long sleeve shirt right in my front yard, to get them all out of my shirt. I wound up having a couple of stings on my wrist and arms.

I don't want to be afraid of them, for Matthew's sake to not put that fear in him, but until we can figure out about all of the bugs/beetles etc on the lake, I have no choice. Not to mention the mosquitoes. Last year in MA, they had to stop all night time sports games and practice's due to a little boy who died from encephalitis or the West Nile Virus. It scares the life out of me, that we live on a lake and that in itself just adds to the danger with mosquitoes.

Well Daddy took the day off today so we can get some things done together around the house. Enjoy the weather!!

Untangling The Webs & Matthews discoveries - From Mommy To Matthew

OK....I've really been missing my blogging! It really is an avenue to clear the mind and unfortunately, my mind has been a cobbled web for years that needs alot of untangling.

Yesterday for the first day in over 20 days, we had seasonable temps and sunny skies!! Yeah!! It's something how being out in the warm sunshine and blogging for me, go hand in hand. We had the whole afternoon to play with Matthew and rake some leaves in the process. It was so cool watch him again discovering things.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of smiling while I watch his reaction and can probably post about just that subject for the rest of his life. And I might just do that, because this is something I want him to have from Mommy when he gets older. Due to my being "at risk" for my mom's illness (subject for another day), I want him to have these moments from me, these pictures with my thoughts, these loving wonderful times that only I as his mom, can share with him. To let him know how much I loved him and never have any doubt about his mom's love and good intentions for his life to be the best it can be and to know what I was all about inside and out. What made me - me. Stories only I can pass down about my childhood, our family musical trait or memories of his grandmother. I would have loved to have something like this from my mom, but she didn't know the disease she faced until I had already moved to MA and was 22 years old and by then her mental state and physical state wouldn't let her type out her thoughts even if she had a computer. So for my son, I am doing this on behalf of his grandmother and his mom. Only I can pass down my heritage to my son, tell him the stories of how he is a great-grandson of a coal miner and teach him to be just as proud of that fact as he is about his father's heritage. It's easier now for that to come natural because we live in that state, with his relatives in Boston and his everyday life is molding MA into him. I am the only one who can teach him to be just as proud of the other side of his roots.

I plan on praying to God every day for that strength, to keep doing just that and praying that he will turn out to be the most well rounded -well traveled, well loved and never ever have any question of why his mom and dad prayed for our miracle someday. That we wanted to give him the best life and the best of both of us.

Yesterday Matthew discovered the bark on the trees. He loves peeling and picking at things and he has discovered bark before, but yesterday he stood at this one tree for a half hour, peeling it and picking it. He screamed at finding the green underneath the bark and finding little bugs and yelling to Daddy to come here!!!! He loves looking under every rock and screaming at new bugs he finds.

Also, typical boy just like his Daddy he loves rocks. Although Eric doesn't love the amount we have in our yard. Eric started throwing little rocks into the lake and soon Matthew wanted to be doing that with his dad...and they had the best time. Matthew really has a good arm. I sat on the steps to my deck and watched him throw those rocks. In my mind I heard my Mom yelling to my brother J to stop throwing them. My brother used to love throwing them as well, but I actually remember my mom trying to keep him from hitting the cars in the road. At least Matthew has the lake and won't throw them at cars...for now anyway.

Well, today is going to be another first time day for him. We are taking him as a family to go fly a kite and enjoying day #2 of the nice warm sunshine this time with a little fun it it for us as a family.

Thanks Hubby for the Tech Support!

I just wanted to post and say Thank You to my husband for putting the beautiful picture above in the title for me.

I found it today on Blogskins and it said everything I wanted to say, in one pic. You have to check out that site! Cool stuff, if I had the time to really learn it all. I wanted to go directly there again to thank Jenn and let her know how much I appreciate it, but my computer is slow right now. So tomorrow I will.

Unfortunately, the skin part I couldn't figure out, but my husband the tech guy was able to at least use the beautiful picture.

Well, happy and sad for Sanjaya tonight. No one wants to see him feel bad, but this being a singing competition, it was bound to happen. And hey! He still had 38 million votes! That's a lot of people.... So maybe something will happen with him entertainment wise anyway.

Remember When Wednesdays - In Memory of Mom & Sandy & Victims of Virgina Tech - warning might be painful to read.

Today I have wasted about 2 hours trying to learn about adding new templates and blog skins and one was awesome but when I tried to do it, it came out beautiful but it took out everything but my blogs?

I need more help in this department, so that project will have to wait for another day.

I might not get to post much because my sweet niece is coming for a few days and we are looking forward to her visit. But who knows I might surprise you.

Last night I was thinking about my mom, again. And for some strange reason, it will hit me really hard in my chest when I think of the fact that "she hasn't visited me since she passed". I know that sounds strange, but you are always hearing stories of that happening in dreams. And I 'm a little hurt that she hasn't dropped by in the last 14 months since she passed. Due to the amount of years that my mom had no voice and her illness really depreciating her communication for the last almost 10 years, I was looking forward to seeing her healthy state come and talk to me or show me herself.

Whenever I start thinking this way, I also think of all the people she had to catch up with and then some that I haven't thought of one day will overwhelm me with their thoughts and I'll wonder if she has talked to them or given them a hug.

Last night for some reason, I remembered my childhood friend Sandy. She lived a few doors down from me and was a year older but we played together for years. She was a little bit of a toughy and I was a little wimpy stringy thing, but she never gave me a hard time. When she was a senior in high school, she got pregnant and got married right away to a guy whose family owned a bike shop. One day a few years later, the place caught on fire and they found her holding her baby boy. They had gotten trapped in a bedroom and the back door in that room was blocked in by bicycles. They died of smoke inhalation together.

I remember going to the viewing and almost collapsing at the sight of her holding her baby in the casket. They were buried holding each other. Her mom cried and held me and said "You played with my Sandy". Her grief was unbearable and I'm sure it must still be unbearable. We lost touch when I moved up here 17 years ago.

Every once in awhile Sandy's presence is around me. I remember her and I always will pray for her and here family. I hope my mom and her have hugged by now.

That was my first glimpse as an adult of a child loss by a parent, and a grandchild loss by a grandparent.

My prayers are also with those families affected this week by that horrific tragedy in Virginia. Luckily I've been busy with Matthew so I don't keep the TV on and watch it as much. The children though, were all going somewhere in life. And as parents they had so much too be proud of. God Bless you all.

American Idol & Mommy's Early Singing Dreams

Ok...I wasn't going to post today because I didn't have the time, BUT......

Did anyone see Sanjaya tonight on American Idol??!?!?!?!?!?!?

I hate to be a horrible judge of someone, but really!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's time for him to go....that bandanna, the hair and the horrible rendition of Bonnie Raitt's song (who I love). Simon had it so right!!! BAD KARAOKE VERSION....

And after tonight, Jordin Sparks is my hero, singing my all time favorite song by my favorite country singer Martina McBride!!!

Now Melinda is in a close second.

And on a funny note: Matthew wasn't asleep yet, and he said "Mommy, Why do you like American Idol so much?" I said, "Because Mommy is living vicariously through them honey." He said "Why don't you go on the show?!?!?!" I said, "Honey, Mommy is too old, they won't let me on there."

I wish that it was on just a few years earlier and that the age limit wasn't a problem. My voice has suffered over the last few years with my neglect of not being able to practice for hours a day like I used to. My diaphragm isn't the same.

I need alot of work now!! I used to be able to sing Broken Wing by Martina McBride that Jordin sang tonight. Now It sounds like I'm killing some birds when I attempt it...It's funny, because I have always related so much with Martina's lyrics. They are so real to me and my life and she has always moved me. One day I'd love to see her in concert.

When I was in my late teens, early 20's, I had the chances to make my dream a reality and push myself at that time. However, growing up in PA, I was very naive and innocent and afraid of becoming famous. I wanted it, but at the same time I feared it more. I also feared more what the lifestyle of fame possibly could do to someone so young.

I was around 20 when I was in a recording studio with a guy who mentioned he worked with Barry Manilow and knew all the great recording style musicians. He loved my voice, but then he made this horrible pass at myself and my friend, a Really gross one. I ran out of there so fast. That fear of some men and what some girls must have went to for the promised future of fame stayed with me for a long time making me very untrusting of people who said they could make me famous.

That was the last time I had been in a recording studio until I married my husband and his brother had built an awesome one in his house. Unfortunately, he has now moved out of state.

Ironically, I was also naive to think that women who had babies and families couldn't do both, and at the time I wanted to be a stay at home mom more than anything in the world. More than a career at a college, I just couldn't wait to be a mom. And maybe later I would sing.
Little did I know that you could do both, and that years of waiting to get married and infertility would cause me to get a later start on my life's career path of being that stay at home mom.

I'll never forget my shock when I saw a pregnant Martina McBride singing in Washington DC for some Inauguration. I was wide opened mouth look at her, pregnant ready to pop and it's not hurting her diaphragm:-)

It's taking me awhile to grow out of my naivete, but hey I'm a slow learner sometimes.

Mom (Grandma) and Me going to church 1969

Mom (Grandma) and Me going to church 1969
Originally uploaded by Matthewsmom.

I have been wanting to post this picture of my mom and me, for the last few months. It has taken awhile to finally get it on my computer.

It just shows how much my mom loved dressing us up in matching clothes. Everyone tells me how meticulous I was and how she always had me dressed so beautiful.

Mom (Grandma) and Me going to church 1969

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN'S MONTH - PURPLE HAT

This was passed onto me today by my cousin in PA and I thought it was appropriate to share with my Erma Bombeck friends and moms and women in general:

PURPLE HATS

In honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer, here is an "angel" sent to watch over you.

Pass this on to five women that you want watched over. If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

by Erma Bombeck

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I would have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it... live it and never give it back.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, we should cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.

If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.

Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.

If you do, something good will happen -- you will boost another woman's self esteem.

When God Shuts A Door...He always Opens A Window

Today as the rain is falling down, non-stop it just makes me feel like taking a deep breath..

I don't know how many other people feel this way. I have had a bad sinus cold the last few days and Eric finally came home last night from NJ. I know that I'm blessed with Matthew. I know that there are children whose father's who go overseas or have jobs out of town for months at a time. I don't know how they do it and most times with more than one child. Who am I to say that I'm tired or sick?

There was a family last night on CNN, where they showed a preview for an interview on this coming Monday. That have 7 children and Daddy is the sole provider, and he is going over for another tour of duty in Iraq.

First off I know you can't choose love and who your heart belongs with, but I don't think I would have had the guts to be a military wife. Just because I don't like the idea of moving from state to state every couple of years. But now being wiser and older, I also know that those woman are some of the most courageous out there. It takes more that just strength to follow your husband and say honey, I'll love you wherever you go. It takes so much more strength to add children to that equation and then be there sole caretaker while the father is away. It takes alot of prayers, alot of guidance, alot of community support etc. I really do tip my hat to those mom's. And for those Dad's I tip my hat and say a prayer that you do come home for your children.

I don't know if you ever heard the saying "When God Closes or Shuts a Door, He Always Opens A Window". It is another one of those cliche's that when you really are in the thick of it, you don't want to hear...it's like just one more bunch of words, that really by themselves don't help me much.

But with action, those words are powerful. By not being afraid to say those words when someone needs to hear them. And then by doing more than that, by actively giving them a hug, or talking to them like they are human, like you - that don't want just words, they want action. They want someone to step in and take the wheel and drive for a little while. (as I'm typing that I'm thinking of Carrie Underwood's song Jesus Take The Wheel )...it's so true.

On a good note, God Opened my window this week. Showed me that if you open your eyes the people you are trying to find, might be right around the corner, instead of out there in the world wide web. Thank you God for opening my windows and letting the sun in again.

Just to bring some humor to this blog, I have to add some beautiful things Matthew said in the last few days or I wouldn't feel like I am completing my day. It's really getting addictive.

• Friday morning when I woke up with my sinus' so bad, I asked Matthew for a tissue for my nose. He happened to be standing by one of the three new boxes that I bought the day before. He took out one and handed it to me. I said, "Honey, Mommy's nose is bigger than yours. Can I have another one?" He said "OK....BUT .....ONLY .....ONE.....MORE!!!!! THESE ARE FOR ME!!" (again there was 118 more tissues in the box)

• Before I got up out of bed, I was playing with his curls and said "Honey, you really need a haircut"....He said " I know but Daddy and Everybody says I don't need one". I said "Whose Everybody?" (since he is with me all day) He said the name of a little girl that was in his brief moment in preschool in September (that he hasn't mentioned her name in at least 5 months) and then he said "Sandy". I said "The Dog down the street?" He said "Yes! SHE SAID...Ruff! You don't need a haircut! And I said Ruff I do!!!

And my favorite:

• I came downstairs and he was across the living room from me. I said, "Hey, Come hear so I can put your socks on so we can get rid of our colds". He always gives me a hard time and due to my not being able to talk with my throat feeling like razors were inside, I said "Do you love me?" He said "NO"....being the wimp of a mom I was this week, I couldn't help but tear up at his announcement. I kept it under control but he saw the tears. He RAN ACROSS THE ROOM TO ME, LUNGING AT ME AND HUGGING ME. I said, "See, it made mommy sad when you said that..you hurt my feelings, I would never say that to you because it would hurt your feelings"...he sat back on the couch.....and then said...

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (now I hadn't said April Fools since April 1st and only had said it once then)

Such a sweetie racking his brains on how he could get out of this one!! And he did!!!!! LOL

Short but sweet

Well, I found out the reason I've been so tired. I woke up this morning with what my little guy has had now the last few days. I felt like I was down a tunnel. All congested, sinus pain around my nose, ears hurting, throat sore.

Every time I feel that way, I am reminded of the day of my mom's funeral when I perforated my eardrum...and with Eric being away it really scared me. All of the panic comes back, what if something was to happen to me with just Matthew here? etc.. The other night, I almost fell down my stairs again too. I wasn't doing anything more than walking, with Matthew in front of me, and I slipped and stopped myself with all of my might by grabbing the stair with my hand. My heart was pounding as I started thinking about what my son would do if Mommy was knocked unconscious, God Forbid. Eric and I were discussing it and we really need to teach him the numbers 911 on the phone. He knows to call 911 from watching Danger Rangers, but I think I need to actually show him. Or at least put it on speed dial and teach him the number to hit.

And God Willing, he will never have to use it.

Tonight while eating dinner, I was telling him how sorry I was that he was sick all week and that Mommy was out of it again too and that I wished I was a better Mommy to him sometimes. He said to me again "Mommy, take a deep breath and you are a better Mommy"....I'm not lying, this is my insightful, sometimes old beyond his years angel. Thank you God for getting me through another day and for letting him be apart of it.

Every night I Thank God for my miracle, tonight I just feel like telling the whole world, Thank God for my miracle.

Boys Will Be Boys & Still be Mommy's Cuddlebum SIMULTANEOUSLY

Well, this week I'm slacking in the blog department. I'm just so tired. Matthew had another fever on Tuesday and now another cold, that again Mommy now has, so with Eric out of town, I'm tired. And now the weather today isn't helping any.

I was lying with Matthew on my bed earlier and I couldn't understand why my bones were aching so bad, and then I heard the rain and remembered oh yeah, it's raining. It happens whenever it rains and sometimes it starts a day earlier to give me an advanced weather report within my body.

I said to Matthew "Mommy's bones are achy!!!" He said "Mine are achy too Mommy". Like an old man, instead of a 4 year old.

He is so funny. Last night as I was trying to get him to sleep, he said "Sing me a hullaby Mommy". Now, since the day he came home from the NICU I could never get him to like my singing him lullaby's, at least not while he was screaming or had colic. He didn't want any part of my singing. I was so disappointed considering I had been dreaming about singing to my own child some day, and now he didn't like my singing. The only thing at those times, were Daddy's arms holding him in a football hold and swaying him back and forth. He preferred Daddy's rocking to mine.

Regarding my singing to him, there were rare times, when he was content to let me get through a whole song. Last night he let me sing him a whole lullaby!!! And HE FELL ASLEEP TO IT!!!! yeah!!!

Well, I am really disappointed that I missed my Remember When Wednesday. I was so proud of myself that I was sticking to my theme and reaching into the depths of my soul to get it all off my chest. I'll make it up next week.

In the meantime, I uploaded some more pics today on Flickr. I thought as I was going through some of them, that my little boy is such a little boy!!! ALL BOY!

I am going to leave you all with a BOYS WILL BE BOYS chuckle. The pictures above show a story of a little angel, who just couldn't help being a little boy and get into a little trouble. And if you notice, he is wearing his jail stripe pajamas.

Since we moved back into our addition in May 2005 I had displayed a nice Raggedy Ann Collection that I never had room for before. I don't have a large collection, but some nice dolls that I love and were gifts to me. One day in November 2006, I came down from doing laundry and this is what I found. The Raggedy Ann dolls have since been hiding in my closet, out of his reach and unfortunately out of my Mommy's view.