Well, Matthew was up all night with vomiting and going to the bathroom... Daddy (thankfully for Mommy) took most of the shifts and he even changed the sheets and re-made the bed, all after getting a fire going in our basement to help heat this big house.
Anytime I'm sick or Matthews sick at night (which hasn't happened since he was an infant), it reminds me of those days when he came home from the NICU. Those days, those months, those long hours that I never in my mind was ever prepared for. And if anyone could have told me, I know it wouldn't have stopped me for praying for my baby.
Sleep deprivation is something that no one should have to go through. Neither parent, nor child. In hindsight, I wish we had hired a nurse to come home with me and stay and help me just to get past the first month or so. Because he had spent the first 32 days of his life with nurses in the NICU, mommy just had to bring in the breast milk and hold him all day (which they yelled at me for). When he came home, boy was I in for a big splash of water thrown on me.
As you can tell by the pics he was and still is my love and my life so when I talk about the bad times I always feel guilty, like who am I to complain, he is here after so many years of not being here, yet I have to share or there goes my whole starting a blog thing to be honest with everyone and get it all off my chest.
Confession #1: I had no idea what I what getting into having a child with no one around for physical support. I had pre-clampsia, a c-section, a mother in a nursing home 350 miles away, two dogs-one ailing and both w/kennel cough, small house -we were on the 8th year of planning our addition (which we beautifully thankfully and graciously now have), neighbors that worked, baby home in the winter time and then told not to leave the house with him til June because he was a preemie. I had him due to IVF and fertility drugs so I know that after having a baby with hormones and all just trying to get back to normal and with no support and months of sleep deprivation due to all night feedings and colic, it was bound to have a lasting effect on me.
Confession#2: 4 years later, I am still catching up on my sleep, still suffer from depression after years of infertility and the other outside stressors mentioned above and I still struggle everyday with normal fears and challenges. I feel like a weakling sometimes. And others like now with my blogging and what I am doing to have my son have this lasting tribute from his mother to him, I feel like a surge of energy is running in me and it is so good for my soul and my mental state. I have been home alone with him for 4 years and I feel that this is my first step back into some skills for mommy? some sort of hobby? but definitely with the end result being - a better mom for him.
OK....now I am taking time off today from the PC to devote to my angel's belly so I will check back in later.
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